Found empty package in son's laundry.

penguin

Tue, Dec 20 2016, 4:13 pm

But Chani, do we get to hear how "the Talk" went? Purely in the interest of knowing what to do if we should be in that situation, of course...

(It's like a serial that suddenly stopped... not meaning, of course, to make your plight into entertainment, but when you feel involved & care what happens to someone, you can lie awake at night wondering... )Just glad he's grown up well, and loads of nachas from everyone, of course!

sourstix

Tue, Dec 20 2016, 5:34 pm

I almost couldn't breath when I read your post. And then I thought to myself. If you wanted to share more you would have already. It's really no ones business how " the talk" went. She's telling us he's doing well. Any one else that has such a problem has to figure that up for themselves how to come across their child. Every child is unique and every situation is unique. There is nothing comparable to someone else's situation. The fact that you were willing to get help no matter what is the key.

Chanie it's brave of you to post under your name. Such personal hardships. May you continue to have nachas. We have the most nachas from the children that give us the bigger challenges. When they come through it's unimaginable pride and joy.

chani8

Wed, Dec 21 2016, 12:11 am

I dont mind being asked how the talk went.

By the time I worked out all my internal issues of shock, being triggered, and worrying for my son's soul, I didn't need to have too much of a talk.

Certainly I was not going to embarrass my son by confronting him with the used condom.

When one has a talk with teens, at least with teens like mine, speak in as few words as possible. It went something like this:

"I'm worried about her age. Her parents could report you to the police."

His response, "Her parents really like me. Don't worry."

"I think it's sad that she's being s-xually active at such a young age, when probably all she wants is love not s-x."

My son looked at me, and was probably thinking, 'Are you sure about that?' He said nothing.

I am clear today that these were two young survivors trying to take control of their s-xuality. Over time I learned that the girl was the one with experience and a reputation. My son is a sensitive type and actually fell in love with this girl and they had about a year long romance. He was not using and abusing her minus the love. This was a case of two kids 'in love' choosing to have s-x together, however unhealthy they were at the time.

Had I took a tone of confrontation and even hinted that my son was taking advantage of this 14 year old girl, I would've been way wrong and hurt my son deeply, and probably permanently damaged our relationship.

I recall thinking, 'If I am not on my son's side, then who will be?'

I chose to judge my son favorably and see his point of view and see the good in the situation...I once spoke with another mother of a molested-by-males son, whose son also had a girlfriend, and we both burst out simultaneously, "Thank G-d he's with a girl!"

As for the religious halachic issues, am I going to accuse and judge? Or be on my child's side.

I turned it over to Hashem and said, "You gave my son his nisayons. If he goes against halacha, it's because of what You let happen to him." I'm trusting that G-d has a plan and will judge my son favorably, too.

kjb

Wed, Dec 21 2016, 3:48 am

Op - I haven't read all the posts so maybe someone has already said this. If he wasn't from a religious family (and admitting the fact that he's rather young and even most non religious parents worry when their children first become zexually active in their mid teens) your son would be acting like a responsible and considerate young man. He uses a condom, he cares about his girlfriend's emotional health, and the wildest thing they do together is go to the cafe for a pastry. And given his past it may actually be reassuring to him to find he can have a loving, consensual zexual relationship with a female. He is certainly not breaking the law. So I think you should stop panicking and confine your worries to the religious ones. There may or may not be much you can do about that, depending on how committed your son is himself to being frum. If he was molested in a haredi environment, then he may well have some mixed feelings about religion, particularly with regard to zex.

I think you should certainly have a conversation about all this with your DS - families should always be able to talk about major emotional and religious issues. But when you do, whatever else you say, make sure to compliment him on his responsible and caring attitude and to be respectful about his loving feelings for this girl. Young love is a hugely powerful emotion.

And by the way, a fourteen year old girl is NOT usually a very high risk when it comes to catching STDs. I know you think this girl is over zexualised, but really - even in your worst nightmares - how many partners do you thing she can have had?

kjb

Wed, Dec 21 2016, 4:21 am

Sorry, OP, reading my last post I realise it comes across as rather unsympathetic and bossy. Of course you're worried, That's natural. And of course you can't actually approve of your son having pre-marital relations. But the vital thing is not to let your concerns lead you to awfulize the situation in a way that will alienate him. There's a lot about the way he's conducted himself that you can be proud of and that speaks to the good values you've helped instil in him. And please, please get rid of any idea that he could possibly be considered a molestor - how painful that could be for him in the circumstances. Good luck. And I think you'll be alright. Because your son sounds like a thoughtful and caring young man.

watergirl

Wed, Dec 21 2016, 4:52 am

kjb wrote:

Step 1 - read all the posts. Step 2 - loom at the dates. You would have learned that this is an old thread that someone revived, and OP has graciously provided an inspiring update.

penguin

Thu, Dec 22 2016, 9:40 pm

I just have to say that we all learn so much from each other here. So while we are all faced with different challenges, sometimes in a moment when we're about to lose it we can find the strength to think - how would that woman whom I admire so much handle this? And we may be thinking of a real life friend or mentor or teacher, or it might be Chani or Fox or Marina or Magenta Yenta or OOT Bubby or Pink Fridge or Mama Bear or Greenfire or so many of our wise friends (not meaning to skip anyone whose name I didn't list!)

(Although I am not brave enough to post anything about my kids under my own SN, due to too much personal info, I have benefited from airing some of my parenting challenges here too!)