bullying | Imamother

amother

Honeydew

Fri, Dec 23 2016, 12:13 pm

what do I do if my almost 2 yr old dd is a bully? it only started once she started in a new daycare at the beginning of the year and it usually doesnt happen at home (that could be because its only her and a 6 month old, though). she bites scratches, steals toys away from other kids etc. the morahs are trying to disipline her by putting her in time out but obviously it does not seem to be working. is there anything I can do at home or have to morahs try there? I want to cry when all I hear from the morahs everyday is that ur daughter bit 3 times today, and scratched another kid etc instead of hearing all the cute things she says and does... please help me get this to stop!!

amother

Puce

Fri, Dec 23 2016, 12:20 pm

OMG your daughter is not a bully! She's not even 2! Who the heck is giving you these ridiculous labels??!

To some degree her behavior is normal toddler behavior. But my gut is telling me that its the daycare, the caregivers, or the way they run their group. Why don't you go down there one day and observe her there? It might give you some insight.

Or find a smaller group to care for her with less children.

If she's not biting at home, and there are toddlers who bite babies! then I'd say you should look VERY carefully into the daycare and just exactly how they discipline.

Are they respectful of her feelings when they stop her or do they show a lot of annoyance and frustration? Do they make her feel safe? Is there enough predictability and structure in the day so she feels that she has a handle on her environment? Are there enough toys to go around?

amother

Honeydew

Fri, Dec 23 2016, 12:27 pm

amother wrote:

thanks for responding! this is obviously my oldest kid and I have no idea how to deal with this or what to do first. it is actually a good idea to go observe- I think I will do that.
I would pull out of this daycare in a second but lakewood is so insane- there are no playgroups or babysitters in my area that go past 230. I work until 4...

amother

Coffee

Fri, Dec 23 2016, 1:16 pm

I agree something is going on in this playgroup.
Perhaps she's not getting enough attention.
I don't think it's all your daughters fault.
Just be prepared that if you make an appointment to observe the class, the Morah will shower her with attention because you are there.
Perhaps come at random times throughout the week to see what's going on.
It's tough when you need to work, but please don't leave her there because it goes till 4, but she's really miserable.

amother

Lemon

Fri, Dec 23 2016, 1:30 pm

amother wrote:

Have they tried positive redirection and applauding good behavior? Sounds like she's getting lots of attention for hurting kids, which probably makes her do it more.

FranticFrummie

Sat, Dec 24 2016, 1:51 pm

I agree with dropping in unannounced. I've done this with DD's classes in elementary school. Several of the teachers have given me the stink eye, but I just ignore them, sit in the back, and blend into the wallpaper. It's amazing what you'll see when they forget that you're there.

Morahs do pick favorites, and the other kids are aware of it. Look for patterns of behavior and interaction, both with the kids, and the morahs. You'll see pretty quick what's going on, as long as you stay still and quiet.

If observing is not allowed, that is a huge RED FLAG, and you need to either insist, or find the money for a babysitter ASAP.

Biting is not the end of the world, it's perfectly age appropriate. My sister and I used each other as chew toys, and I can say that neither of us use it to solve conflicts anymore. Very Happy

The problem is in how it is handled by the adults in charge.

amother

Ginger

Sat, Dec 24 2016, 2:29 pm

My daughter went through a phase where she grabbed toys, food, etc from the other kids, and was often making them cry. She is really the most gentle child in general (and had previously not had any aggressive behavior at all), and it seemed strange, but appeared to be part of her acclimation to being in a new group of kids. She was around 2. Her ganenet also thought it was unusual for her (she'd had her the year before with a different group of kids), but it had to be dealt with, so the ganenet suggested that we give our daughter a special treat (a bag of bamba, aka a food treat) to bring to gan, and then our daughter would give it out to all the kids (obviously, we prepped her for this first). I was a little skeptical, but she's my first kid, and this women had 6 kids and was a ganenet for many years, so I trusted her when she told me this has worked for many kids before, because they see that giving is great and gets them positive attention from the ganenet and makes the kids like her more. I was still skeptical that this would work in a child so young, but after a week or two of giving out special treats to all the other kids, all her aggressive behavior completely stopped and never came back.

The teachers will have to work with you on this one, but if they can facilitate this, it would make a big difference. They may have to be skilled in this though, I don't know if our ganenet was the reason this worked or not (because she was amazing!).

5*Mom

Sat, Dec 24 2016, 2:53 pm

When a baby this age behaves aggressively in only one environment it's usually because something feels unsafe in that environment. My guess is that either there are too many kids for her to be comfortable in this daycare or she is not yet ready for gan, a distinct possibility at this young age. The teachers don't sound very impressive either, because time out is not effective and actually counterproductive for a baby, so they are likely making the problem worse.

The first thing I would do is take a few days off and keep her home with you to regain her equilibrium and break the cycle. Give her lots of positive attention and cuddle time with you. If you do decide to send her back, pop in unannounced or better yet, listen in where you can't be seen by your dd or the teachers to find out what it's really like in gan, how the kids play with each other and how the teachers interact with the kids.

It's really hard to teach a baby not to bite, hurt or grab toys and even more difficult in a group setting. If it persists in this environment, I would strongly advise that you find another arrangement that is warmer and where your dd feels safe and comfortable. Being labeled as the class bully at 2 yrs old does not bode well for her future and that would be a terrible shame, especially when it's probably a function of the environment. Don't let it go on for too long or the behavior will continue to reinforce itself and become her default mode.

daveningwife

Sat, Dec 24 2016, 3:20 pm

I agree with you op! Time out does not help anything and is likely making the problem worse. With being an assistant in playgroups for a while before married I got to see how things were done. For me it was really who I was working with that made all the difference. There's a Morah who has 'it' and sometimes a morah is new and inexperienced and doesn't have it. It's up to you how to deal with it, maybe there's another playgroup in Lakewood, sorry that it stinks that you feel trapped!!

Either way, your child is not a bully. Does she use her words at home? There's this great way of teaching kids how to self regulate when they're upset called conscious discipline, I really recommend looking it up if you can. It'll teach her to use her words and hopefully not her bite.

Warning: everything takes time!

Good luck!

amother

Mustard

Sat, Dec 24 2016, 8:15 pm

I ran a toddler group for 2 year olds (just turned two). I also had my 18 mth old in the group. My never aggressive 18 month old turned into a pinching/hitting/aggressive little monster because she felt threatened by the bigger children. I asked a relative to watch her. It took 4 MONTHS of no playgroup, of just being home with me, for her non-aggression to calm down. I taught her how to be nice with her hands by using a neighbor's dog. Your child feels threatened. This is a way of protecting herself. How many kids are in the group? How many morahs? How old are the other kids? Maybe your child is not ready to be in a group. Maybe she is craving a more 1:1 attention.

nana18

Sun, Dec 25 2016, 12:23 am

Your child is 2 years old and needs to be trained how to behave with other kids. This takes time and patience. 2 year old children do not have social skills yet. The teacher should try to "shadow" your child as much as possible to show him the right way to interact before he bites. It will not always be preventable and please do not blame the teachers. He needs lots of positive rewards at the same time as well. For example if he just grabbed away a toy from another kid say:"oh! David was using tgat, let's give it back to him and ask him for a turn". Follow through and make sure he gets his turn... have him share it with another friend and make a big deal how nicely he shared.
Time out is necessary when he is putting the others at risk and or needs some time to settle down. He should not be going to time out every day! Good luck