How many tantrums does your six year old have a day

amother

Ginger

Tue, Jan 03 2017, 9:02 pm

My six year old has some issues. Anxiety. Sensory. Impulsive. Any time I try to discipline him I expect a tantrum or meltdown. I am a pretty patient person and on the loose end of discipline and if I would follow my gut I would get about 5 tantrums every day. I am very lost because I don't want him to grow up to be a wild animal. I don't want to walk around on egg shells. But I don't want to push him past his capabilities. How many tantrums is ok for a child at this age?

bigsis144

Tue, Jan 03 2017, 9:14 pm

My son is seven and it's the same. Wish I had advice. Sad

Queen6

Tue, Jan 03 2017, 9:49 pm

sari Yaraslowitz. Behavior Management. Are your Hands Full?
Buy her book or go speak to her personally. She will save you.

miami85

Tue, Jan 03 2017, 9:59 pm

From experience dealing with a similar issue with 2 children, my first line is "go to the bathroom"--then we can talk. Most times it helps calm them down enough to be more rational. After that the triage is make #2, hungry, tired.

bigsis144

Tue, Jan 03 2017, 11:12 pm

Queen6 wrote:

sari Yaraslowitz. Behavior Management. Are your Hands Full?
Buy her book or go speak to her personally. She will save you.

The book is minimum $50 both on Amazon and her personal website. I wish I could give it a chance, as she claims to have a very step-by-step method, but I've read so many other books (How To Talk so Kids will Listen etc., 1-2-3 Magic, The Nurtured Heart, Raising Your Kids Without Raising Your Voice, The Explosive Child) and I'm failing. Totally failing. It's breaking me.

smother29

Tue, Jan 03 2017, 11:49 pm

I was able to reduce tantrums in my 8 year old by at least half with "time out". No tantrums, crying or whining allowed in the family space. I always explain to him clearly that he can't have what he is asking for or whatever the issue is and if he starts to tantrum I allow it for a few minutes and then tell him if he continues he will have to go to his room. I give him one or two more warnings (he is ASD after all) and then I march him to his room and shut the door.

He already knows the drill now so he goes pretty easily and then comes out once he's calmed down.

It has reduced tantrums a lot and shortened the one's he does have.

amother

Wheat

Wed, Jan 04 2017, 2:09 am

I had to scale back my definition of "discipline" in a big way due to similar circumstances. Hard to explain details but for at least a year I basically couldn't use consequences in the way I was used to thinking. Instead I aimed more for de-escalation and problem-solving.

I also think having this child in OT and SEIT (in school. ASD pendency case allowed us to have SEIT past preschool. Not sure what to do with an older child, and if your issues are mainly at home then it's not really relevant) made a very big difference. We are blessed with really good therapists. I think I probably could have made some progress on my own but we can all use help...

amother

Ginger

Wed, Jan 04 2017, 7:56 am

Queen6 wrote:

sari Yaraslowitz. Behavior Management. Are your Hands Full?
Buy her book or go speak to her personally. She will save you.

Don't recommend for any child that is not typical. I know a few ppl who tried it and it damaged their relationship. These kids need a flexible parent.

saw50st8

Wed, Jan 04 2017, 7:56 am

bigsis144 wrote:

I'm a big fan of The Explosive Child but I found implementing it very hard. I joined a FB group of experienced "Plan B'ers" that has really made me much more effective at it.

The other thing I would recommend is changing your child's diet (removing gluten and airy and food dyes does AMAZING things for a lot of kids).

amother

Wine

Wed, Jan 04 2017, 9:10 am

Sounds like me when I was little (don't worry, I outgrew my tantrums and turned out okay, your son can too). There's not right answer here. The key is really to make sure your child's issues (sensory, anxiety, impulsivity) are being dealt with first, because there isn't anything you can do about tantrums in a child lie this, and time outs for tantrums will just make it worse, because the child is too overwhelmed to self-regulate.

The most important thing is consistency - if you were to let's say decide that he shouldn't be having more than 3 tantrums a day, so one day you discipline for act x, but the next day you don't discipline for the same act, that will make his tantrums worse. Whatever your rules are should stick, even if you think he's having too many meltdowns, because if you aren't consistent, then his tantrums are working and he knows it. Also, a lack of consistency will cause the child to be more insecure because he doesn't know what to expect from you or what you expect from him, and this will mkae the meltdowns worse too. As hard as it is, the best thing is ignore the tantrums and let him get out his frustrations, and when the child is calm, teach him ways to calm down. There is no magic number of tantrums a day that is right, the only thing that's right is that they decrease over time because he starts learning how manage.

On the assumption that your child is getting therapies for his other issues, I recommend the following. When your child is calm, explain the concept of a cool-down. First, tell your son clearly what the rules are (super important for kids like this to have it spelled out clearly). Explain that if he doesn't follow a rule, he will get one warning to stop and then if he doesn't stop by the time you count to ten (kids need a transition period to adjust behavior, especially children with impulsivity and anxiety. You can even make it 1 minute and set a timer if that works better), they get an immediate 'cool down'. Explain that the cool down is not a punishment, but a time period to calm down / re-adjust - try to set a designated area, but the key is that the kid has to be away from other people in a specific area (try the same one each time, but be flexible if it has to be somewhere else. sometimes, it's even easier to move everyone else and leave your kid screaming where he is), but they can play or read or walk in circles or do whatever they want as long as they stay in the area and can't interact with anyone. They can come out whenever they have calmed down - you'll have to determine this at first, but ask for their input and eventually they learn to self-regulate and tell you when they're calm enough to come out. But this doesn't work on all kids, or for all meltdowns. If you'll use this, explain how it works first and that it's not a punishment. Next time there's a tantrum, tell your child it's time to cool down and ask he wants to go to the pre-destined place and that he can do whatever he wants there (it's good to keep books/toys/ etc there); if he doesn't respond, tell him he can cool down where he is and you'll all just be in the next room. Also, this works better if it's used on all your kids (if you have more than just this one), as it becomes the norm in the house.

I've used this successfully with a slightly older boy (maybe he was 8 or 9 when we started, definitely not younger than 7) and it worked great. Within 2 months, he would take himself to cool down when he had a meltdown because he felt better doing that and he could calm himself down within 10 minutes or less with no intervention from us at all. It may not work for all kids, but it's worth trying. The question is also whether you think your son is too young for it, but I can't answer that. For reference, it works for my 3 year old daughter also (when she's too upset, she now asks to be left alone so she can calm down), but she also doesn't have as many issues, just a bit of sensory stuff and that's it. I don't believe it would work on every 3 year old, but she also grew up in an environment where dealing with kids this way is the norm.

I also really hope that your son is receiving therapies to learn coping skills for sensory sensitivity (occupational therapy), anxiety (child psychologist), and impulisvity (many professionals can help with this), and tantrums/meltdowns can be helped by learning tools and skills to self-regulate emotionally (I highly recommend a child psychologist again).

amother

Khaki

Wed, Jan 04 2017, 10:32 am

Great Books:

The explosive child
Zones of Regulation

mha3484

Wed, Jan 04 2017, 11:06 am

I am a huge fan of the explosive child. I also have a DS who is 6 with likely ADHD. He is super impulsive and immature. I have found that treating the ADHD through therapy and meds has done wonders to reduce the tantrums. At the end of the day he is 6 hes very young. I try to tell myself that so I dont feel like the worst parent ever anyway.

Queen6

Wed, Jan 04 2017, 11:53 am

The book is worth the $50. As for the poster said it ruined the relationship with some children.... If you do it correctly and add in times of love and quality time it will balance out. She is tops. She will help you gain authority, respect, and peace and quiet in your home. Go for it.

amother

Khaki

Wed, Jan 04 2017, 1:06 pm

The explosive child was excellent in that it helped me understand what triggered my son and why some situations were so difficult, even if I implemented nothing, it gave me an understanding and made so much sense.

I realize this is less than tantruming (and easier then my son who would become out of control), but my 5 year old was crying A LOT, it wasn't tantrum, but she didn't have control of herself or her emotions and a few times a day was another melt down that would last forever.

We decided to work on controlling her emotions, we decided that when she starts to have a melt down we will count, the first time it was long, but I find every time it gets better and easier. I just start counting with her and after a few weeks I have definitely seen a difference.

amother

Cerise

Wed, Jan 04 2017, 1:37 pm

I loved the explosive child, it helped a lot, even when he was as young as 3 (now he is 6). Our situation also involved trauma, so it is not purely internal. Therapy has helped, but we still deal with a lot of tantrums (prob at least 4 big ones a day). One line that has helped is "we always have three choices: behave, discussion, or punishment. What would you like to do?" Almost always he chooses discussion, and we move into the exposive child method, saing things like "so you really want to ___ because of ___. Why is it so important to you? Oh, I didn't realize that. Hm. Well, it is important to me that you ___ because ____. What solution can you think of that we could both get what we need?" Sometimes he can come up with a solution--sharing, waiting, turns, etc, and often he needs assistance. Treating him with respect--talking to him like I would an adult that I was having an issue with is the key to him cooperating.
We also have regular relaxing times. Before the environment gets too wild or overstimulating, I bring to his attention, "wow, it is getting very wild in here. I am just reminding you that when our bodies feel like this, it is very easy to get angry or get boo boos. Would you like to read a book on the couch to calm down a bit?" It doesn't always work, but sometimes it helps.
I also helps to give some sort of control to the kid--"can you think of a clean up game for all the kids to play?"
We do a lot of fun and games--like he will "ride his motorcycle" with bags of laundry to deliver to the correct bedrooms, we will do bulldozer rides to places he doesn't want to go.
If there is something specific which is scaring him, making him nervous, or sensory-discomfort we deal with it differently, finding a solution to ease the feeling.
The trick is to be calm and patient enough yourself in the moment to "be the adult" and think of these creative solutions and not do the knee jerk power struggle that is bound to fail. (and even if it works for today, it won't when he is bigger and stronger, so you need to get the internal motivation working!)
Hatzlacha...it takes a lot of inner strengh, day after day...