Holding down the fort at home independently

amother

Peach

Sat, Jan 07 2017, 10:56 am

Looking for chizuk.
I have a part time job and Im home with the kids all day- several little ones. Im genuinely thrilled with what my husband is doing all day. The children are all home by 1:30pm so its a long afternoon and my husband walks in when everything is basically wrapped up for the night- homework, baths, supper, bedtime, etc. Of course, as a mother/ homemaker, our jobs are never done so the laundry, lunches, clean-up, etc is always waiting for attention. I have very minimal cleaning help and life here in Israel is very physical BH (stairs, strollers, no elevator, buses, no car with several young children). I do feel bad that my kids don't see my husband during the week but if there was one thing I could change it would be me not feeling totally depleted, physically and mentally when my husband walks in. Of course, I don't want to bombard him with the things that I may need/ want help with. Its hard feeling totally on my own in all aspects of homemaking and childrearing. I love my life and have tremendous gratitude for everything but I don't want to feel resentful of being on my own. I am looking for some words of wisdom from those who are also in a similar situation.

Teomima

Sat, Jan 07 2017, 11:12 am

amother wrote:

The children are all home by 1:30pm so its a long afternoon...if there was one thing I could change it would be me not feeling totally depleted, physically and mentally...Its hard feeling totally on my own in all aspects of homemaking and childrearing.

Why not spend some of those afternoon hours with another mom? Take your kids to each other's homes/the zoo/the gymboree, something. I know it doesn't help when trying to get housework done, but I find it incredibly gratifying to spend time with other moms. The kids play together which gives you some breathing room. You get to spend quality time with another adult, rather than waiting all day for your husband's attention. And you have someone who can fully identify, more than your dh, with what your life is like.

5mom

Sat, Jan 07 2017, 11:14 am

Time changes everything. The kids will be less physically needy, you'll be more experienced and more efficient at running a household, and chances are you'll be able to afford more of the goods and services that make life easier. For now, give yourself a pat on the back. You're doing an amazing job.

amother

Ginger

Sat, Jan 07 2017, 7:10 pm

In my opinion, if you don't want to start feeling resentful, then start asking more from your husband. Before you start feeling resentful.

Don't bombard him when he walks through the door. But in a calm moment, sit down with him and see what set job he can take off your shoulders. Maybe folding laundry, maybe dishes, maybe help in the morning. It's his home too and martyrhood only goes so far.

amother

Natural

Sun, Jan 08 2017, 5:21 am

This is exactly my life. In the winter it's harder because the kids can't go out and play and let their energy out
I try to remind myself that in a year they will be older and it will be much easier.
No advice, just sympathy

Last edited by amother on Mon, Feb 12 2018, 9:40 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Gray

Sun, Jan 08 2017, 5:40 am

To OP and everyone else who leads a similar lifestyle:

How do you relate to your husband when he comes home?
I can't imagine doing so much myself and then feeling loving, grateful, etc. when my husband comes home.
How do you manage to do it all and not feel resentful?

amother

Aqua

Sun, Jan 08 2017, 6:00 am

I dont live in EY but I can relate to doing everything on my own.
its not easy thats for sure.

to the amother who asked how we relate to our DHs when they come home?
something ive learned over the years is to really to focus on the good, sounds lofty, but the second I start thinking thoughts 'hes never home, I do everything myself, im a single parent' the more I resent him and the more I am constantly in a bad mood.
so I really work very hard on myself to focus on the good- my dh has a job, bh we are healthy, I can work part time, my kids are happy, we have a nice apt, the small things.

in the past, when my dh would walk through the door I would give him a list of things to do and I realized how much that its stressed him out and realized when I walk through the door, no one is barking commands at me lol.
so when he walks in , as hard as it is for me to keep my mouth shut, I dont ask him to do anything. he does his own thing for a bit - checks the mail, tries to relax, and then majority of the time (hes getting better at it ) he asks how he can help, which is the best 4 words a wife can hear. LOL

and op- please, please get yourself some help, either a chessed girl, a mothers helper, just so that you have a break.

amother

Gray

Sun, Jan 08 2017, 6:09 am

But do you actually believe it, or are you just saying it to yourself so you won't bark at him when he comes home?

As a woman who supports the family (100% of income) and does 75%+ of the childcare, I don't want to be resentful but it creeps into everyday interactions.