Rewards | Imamother

mha3484

Mon, Jan 09 2017, 5:13 pm

My child is 6. Some privileges are staying awake for the shabbos meal when his toddler brother goes to bed, a hot drink with me in the morning before school, watching selected videos on my phone or playing a game on the tablet.

amother

Mauve

Tue, Jan 10 2017, 2:46 pm

amother wrote:

Can you explain what you mean by privileges? For what?

I'm compiling a list of privileges for a reward system that I'm devising. Some examples:

Choosing the Shabbos snack this week
Choosing the dinner menu
Extra Mummy time

I'd like some variety so would love to hear more ideas.

mha3484

Tue, Jan 10 2017, 2:53 pm

DS gets to choose a certain amount of nosh that is pre determined and not contingent on behavior. Shabbos is shabbos. Before we shop he knows he gets to choose something salty and something from the candy aisle. It has done wonders for preventing begging and whining. On shabbos if he is showing good behavior he gets to stay awake as long as he likes otherwise I try to keep rewards out of it. I am uncomfortable with mixing the two for some reason that I cant totally articulate.

tichellady

Tue, Jan 10 2017, 3:44 pm

I don't think extra mommy time should be a reward but maybe that's just me. I'm trying to think of what my parents gave us rewards and the truth is they didn't do very much punishing or rewarding, which overall worked for us. We had a schedule by which we each had a certain number of nights when we get to choose what was for dinner, but it wasn't so much a reward as a system. We each got allowance regardless of our behavior. When it was your birthday you got to choose a special dinner for everyone or a restaurant dinner with mom and dad. We went out for ice cream to celebrate good grades (but everyone got the ice cream not just the student who did well)

amother

Mauve

Tue, Jan 10 2017, 6:04 pm

mha3484 wrote:

The examples I gave were completely random actually. Our kids get Shabbos snack regardless, but we get the same snacks for everyone. When you have one kid that child chooses anyway, but when you have many it's a bonus if someone gets to choose something more special.

amother

Mauve

Tue, Jan 10 2017, 6:07 pm

tichellady wrote:

I agree with you, my kids actually get more than enough mommy time, so that wouldn't be a reward. As I said in my earlier post, these were random examples to get the ball rolling and not something we actually do. Our kids do get to choose dinner on their birthday, and get to go out for ice cream randomly as well.

The point of these extra privileges is intended more as a game type of thing.

I appreciate everyone's suggestions.

5*Mom

Wed, Jan 11 2017, 7:31 am

amother wrote:

I've changed the title for clarification purposes.

I liked your first title. Our kids get age- and maturity/responsibility-related privileges that their younger sibs don't get. For example, baking, going to the makolet by themselves for the odd grocery item, riding the bus by themselves, using the elevator or playing in front of our building without an adult, going for a Friday night walk with friends, etc. But we don't do rewards. I find they are counterproductive both in the short- and long-term.

saw50st8

Wed, Jan 11 2017, 7:38 am

We have a points system where the kids can do chores or their responsibilities and earn points. Here are some of the things they get to pick from:

Computer Time
TV Time
Movie at Home
Movie at the Theaters
Going out alone to eat with a parent (that's super exciting!)
Going out for ice cream
Various treats (ice cream and whatnot)
Sleepover at their grandmother on a school night
Various activities (bowling, ice-skating, bounce places etc)

What do they want?

All of the items above are basically unavailable if you don't have points (except for friday afternoons after showering and getting ready for shabbos, they can all watch TV while we finish getting ready).

studying_torah

Wed, Jan 11 2017, 7:50 am

My problem is that my kids are so over rewarded in school that nothing I do at home makes an impact, and without huge rewards at home they don't listen. They're good kids but the school system has spoiled them.
My kids get rewards for being on time, for goodness sake.

amother

Mauve

Wed, Jan 11 2017, 8:09 am

studying_torah wrote:

The problem of constant rewards is a genuine one. Aviva Schwab discusses it at length in her STEP program. Thanks saw50st8 for introducing it to me a while back.
For more information on the STEP program see http://www.tiredofyelling.com/home. I don't actually stick to her program completely, but I love her approach.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions.

amother

Gold

Wed, Jan 11 2017, 8:33 am

We are doing a system now with money. We have five specific behavior goals, some are harder than others. The very hard ones get a quarter, easy ones get a penny, and in between get nickles and dimes. After he makes a significant amount, we are going to the dollar store and he is going to buy his brother a toy (encourage empathy which is hard for him). He will get a duplicate of the toy (to avoid jealousy), but he has to choose the toy with his brother in mind. Already, he is hoping to find a stuffed dog because his brother loves dogs. This was a system created by his therapist.

We also have a star chart for saying "I'm happy with what I have" when given something.

When kids clean up, I say "YAY ___!" And that is enough of a reward for the kids to clean up.

In general I have a problem with too many reward systems because the kid becomes external motivated instead of internally. Whenever possible, I prefer conversations which convince the kid that doing the behavior is for their own good.

I do not believe in punishments. I believe in correcting behavior (discussion), keeping kids safe (holding hands if he is hitting), and making a plan for the future. I have never in my life had any sucess with time outs or taking away privileges. It just makes my kids think I am mean and can't help them get to the root of it.