how not to offend people - can't invite everyone

amother

Cerise

Wed, Jan 11 2017, 5:32 pm

Bar mitzvah coming up. Wrote a list of people who we would really like to invite. It's over 200 people. Now we are already committed by Shul to sponsor a big kiddish there. So we can invite to that. But we wanted to have a family brunch on the Sunday. The thing is we can only do something in the house for about 60 people. Which is more offensive when talking to people who don't make the 60 list - say we are just having a small thing, or try to hide it? Also - how do you chose between

1. Friends/family who come in from OOT
2. People who invited us/DS to their simcha
3. Family we don't see much but they live locally

(this is likely to be disagreement btwn me and DH).

Any ideas?

Seas

Wed, Jan 11 2017, 5:37 pm

First of all mazel tov!

We made bm last year and made the decision to keep it very small - something like 35 couples. We only invited parents, siblings, rebbes, and first cousins who've made bm already and invited us. Plus a few very close friends, husband's boss, and my employees.

We told anyone else that we're keeping it very small, no offence meant. And I don't think anyone was offended.

Wed, Jan 11 2017, 5:44 pm

We had a similar situation, but for a bat mitzvah, so people are not so surprised if the guest list is shorter.

Kiddush was for shul. This included everyone who lives locally and adult reciprocal invitations. Open to all (and not so many shuls in our neighborhood so pretty much everyone would be there anyway) but we sent invitations to people we wanted to invite "officially."

Brunch was for out-of-town friends and family (no local family).

Kids' party was for the kids (including reciprocal invitations).

Don't hide anything. If it comes up, just say that you are keeping it small.

Mazal too, and I hope this helps!

challahchallah

Wed, Jan 11 2017, 5:44 pm

I think the ranked order of who you invite is:
1. Friends/family who come in from OOT (because when people travel long distances, you should try to see them as much as possible when they're in town)
2. Family we don't see much but they live locally (because family is family)
3. People who invited us/DS to their simcha (because it's nice, but not mandatory, to reciprocate invitations if possible)

If it comes up naturally, I think you should be up front with people that you are having a small get together, but unfortunately you just didn't have the space to invite everyone you wanted to. People understand the realities of these events, and when you hide things feelings can get hurt very quickly. On the other hand, there's no need to proactively alert someone that you're having a party that they're not invited to.

ange

Wed, Jan 11 2017, 5:45 pm

It's easier when it's all or nothing. For my son, we only invited immediate family and his friends for a low key melave malka in our shul basement. I didn't even invite my one or two closest friends because then you run into the issue of those who don't make the cut etc. People seemed to get it. We did have a small kiddush so were able to mark the occasion with our friends too. If anyone got insulted that was their problem Smile

I do what works for me and my financial goals.

Mazel tov!

Raisin

Wed, Jan 11 2017, 5:53 pm

I would invite oot family plus close local family to the brunch. (siblings, parents etc) If you have space invite more distant relatives as well. Possibly the bar mitzva boys classmates but I don't know how many he has. If this is more then 60 people you can make it very long but suggest people only need to drop by for a short time. Eg you are invited to stop by any time from 10am until 2pm for brunch. (I know someone who was not invited to her relative OOT family event - even though they were the only local family! She was very hurt)

No need to invite non relations just because you were invited to their simcha. People understand if it is just a family thing.

amother

Cerise

Wed, Jan 11 2017, 6:01 pm

Thanks for all of the replies. Thanks especially for slightly easing my guilt about the "not reciprocating" thing.

I had thought of the idea of the "drop in between 10-2" idea, but have never seen it done, and was also concerned that everyone would turn up at 11.30. Has anyone actually ever done this?

essie14

Thu, Jan 12 2017, 3:54 am

amother wrote:

How is that different than an engagement party?
I have been to many "drop in" bar/bat mitzvahs as well as Simchat Bat parties.
You can serve a light buffet meal or just make it a dessert reception. People come when it's convenient for them and if you want to have speeches you just get up and start that part of the party when you feel you have a nice sized crowd.
I just went to a dessert reception bar mitzvah - the dinner part was only for family and they did the speeches, then everyone else was invited for dessert buffet, just to say mazal tov.

5mom

Thu, Jan 12 2017, 4:00 am

Mazel tov!

You know what they say - the people who matter don't care and the people who care don't matter.

I agree that out of town guests and family take priority. It's also easier to explain, if you have to. But you don't have to. You're making a kiddush, and that should be enough to let people know you wanted them.

amother

Linen

Thu, Jan 12 2017, 6:21 am

If you keep it JUST family. I include friends that travel from OOT as family, because to travel you have to be really close.
I don't think people are offended if you invite only family to a home party.
If it was in different venue, that may be a different story. At home, people understand space is tight.
What I wouldn't do is invite SOME shul friends and OTHERS not.
I would also invite Rebbeim, and my son's friends.