How to teach almost grown daughter a lesson

naomi2

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 12:05 pm

it's a little late to give a punishment when you didnt discuss consequences in advance.
I would give her a short lecture about what you expect from her and why.
then you and her, together, come up with appropriate consequences if she doesn't comply.
then you can enforce it.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 12:20 pm

DD knows that if she's not at the dinner table on time, she has to fix her own meal. She's 13! If she's glued to her computer and can't be bothered when the food is being served, then she can have cold leftovers, or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I don't see why this wouldn't work with your DD.

Back in the days before cell phones, if I was 15 minutes past curfew, I'd be greeted at the door by my hysterical mom. "I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD IN A DITCH!" Oh, if I only had a dime for every time I've heard that one. Rolling Eyes

What finally got me, was when I was a half hour late. I came home to find police cars in the driveway, and my mom was filling out a missing persons report! shock

(Dramatic, much?) I made sure to be home on time after that. I thought my dad was going to kill me.

amother

Emerald

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 8:17 pm

I'm not condoning her behavior. Your request is extremely reasonable and she should listen to it. But I'm not that much older than her and I remember being her age and wanting to be independent, not having to check in with my parents. Also, even if I didn't mind checking in with my parents, sometimes I just didn't want the pressure of having to be home by a certain time just because I had told my parents I would be home by that time. Like, I wanted to be flexible and just leave wherever it was whenever I felt ready.
But, I think that even if she isn't committing to being home by a certain time she should at least be answering phone calls and texts!
And I agree that if she's old enough to have her own schedule and run her own life then she can take care of supper for herself as well.

amother

Saddlebrown

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 8:53 pm

I think you are also being overbearing. She is seventeen and needs some space.
Being half an hour or an hour late after school is reasonable. We are not talking about going at night and not answering calls till 3 am.
My dd that age is often too distracted or busy to announce every half hour delay in the afternoon. I dont set out any plate for her or any of her siblings until they are actually in the house and ready to eat.
If she comes home at five instead of four just let her know she can warm up the food in the pot.

kakky

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 9:21 pm

Been there.
my DD (now 20) finally got the message and 99% of the time lets me know
There were plenty of hours of worry/panic about where she was. (We live in Israel, in a yeshuv and I obviously always suspect the worst).

Kugglegirl

Tue, Jan 17 2017, 6:03 am

My teens younger & older are like this. Not answering the phone, forgetting to charge it, etc. It makes me crazy some times.

Sometimes I call thier friend who does answer her phone when I need to reach them.

I think natural consequences are appropriate-- Like you putting away all the dinner & not waiting up for her, locking the door so that she has to knock or call you to get you to open the lock.

You could text her that you are going to bed and the door will be locked.

When they go out, I remind them that I want them to respond to my texts & ask them if they have their phone, is it charged. Eventually they will be more with it, I assume.

I am not in EY, but there are enough dangers here, I could surely be worrying too. I try not to & I think it is part of parenting older kids.

essie14

Tue, Jan 17 2017, 6:17 am

amother wrote:

You clearly do not live in Israel. Our reality here is very different than in the US.
All Israeli children I know (mine included) check in regularly with their parents. Unfortunately our reality requires this.

33055

Tue, Jan 17 2017, 7:50 am

I would ground her until she agrees to comply. I also clearly do not live in EY, but the fact she is causing you such anxiety is wrong. Fixing her own dinner is not a big deal. Being denied her independence is a BIG consequence.

If she agrees, then let her know next time will result in a certain amount of time she is only allowed to school and back with no going out Shabbos.

amother

Saddlebrown

Tue, Jan 17 2017, 8:14 am

essie14 wrote:

My dear, I actually do live in Israel, and all my children have been born and raised here. Several are already adults.
I am more Israeli than most posters here living in Israel.
I live in a city, not a yeshuv, if that makes a difference. The teens my kids hang out with come and go very freely and actually do not check in regularly at all. Certainly not to announce a half hour delay returning from school! They are often at my place for an hour or two before their parents call to inquire where they are.

amother

Lime

Tue, Jan 17 2017, 8:15 am

Squishy wrote:

lol! the kid is 17!

amother

Saddlebrown

Tue, Jan 17 2017, 8:18 am

Squishy wrote:

How can you ground a 17 year old? I have never heard of that being done in Israel and I cannot imagine such a scenario.
If she is like many Israeli 17 yr olds, grounding her will only be a call for battle. What will you do if she goes out anyway?
How can you ground a kid who will be living away from home, in the army or national service, in 6 months?

amother

Periwinkle

Tue, Jan 17 2017, 8:21 am

I would probably be honest and explain to her how worried I felt... that I was worried she had been in an accident/worse etc. really lay it on - make her feel that you're doing it from a place of caring.

33055

Tue, Jan 17 2017, 9:38 am

amother wrote:

Different realities - sorry my advise isn't applicable. If I told my teens they are hurting me and causing anxiety, that would be enough to get them to modify their behavior.If I told them they are grounded, they would grumble and state their case, but they wouldn't go out.

When I used to tell my children to do something before I count to 3, I always wondered what would be the consequence if they didn't listen. Very Happy