Preferred style of marriage

wondergirl

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 12:16 am

amother wrote:

Is no one here so overwhelmed with responsibilities at the moment that they are almost considering #1?

Lucky, I guess life has been relatively easy for those posters who can't even comprehend why anyone would be leaning towards #1.

Sure, its nice if you are pampered, indulged, and taken care of most of the time (okay, maybe all of the time) so long as you still have the right to self-autonomy and the ability to make your own decisions. But do you really want to be controlled by someone else entirely? Do you want someone to decide for you if you can drive, what you can wear, where you can shop, who you can or cant hang out with, if you can or cant work, etc? Because they have such laws in certain countries like Saudi Arabia where women are treated like property and are controlled this way to the point where they can get killed or penalized for violating these rules. Is that really what you are interested in?

saw50st8

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 7:44 am

amother wrote:

Sequoia, my job is NOT FLEXIBLE WHICH IS WHY I'm so stressed, so your generalization may be incorrect.

Regarding op's poll, I wonder if option 1 means that everything is provided for her but she can't make any decisions such that she can't spend money or go out without permission etc such that even though she has "everything" she is still like a prisoner???

Well, as crazy as this sounds, usually I'd say choice 2 if there were only those 2 choices but now I'm working in a demeaning stressful job where they at critical of me and inflexible etc but I can't leave because we need to pay the bills, so even though I can make my own decisions and my dh is "chilled" and not controlling etc. I feel like every moment I'm forced to spend my Tim finishing my project for work so I still feel like a prisoner even though I'm "allowed" to make my own decisions""

So at this point in my life, I would choose option 1 where I wouldn't have to work even if I give up my freedom to not be allowed to make my own decisions because as I explained, I have no freedom anyway so I may as well have no freedom and not have to be criticized in work and stressed about my work performance etc..

OP, I can totally empathize with you. I tell my husband all the time that he signed a contract to take care of me, so the finances should be his problem not mine. I'm only sort of joking :-) (although I haven't quit my job, so I guess I take responsibility!)

In some ways, it sounds nice to be a kept woman. I remember the 9 month stint I did as a SAHM. It was wonderful and relaxing and I was able to actually accomplish things! But I don't think Option 1 is really what you are looking for. I think you want option 2 with the financial benefits of option 1.

heidi

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 12:16 pm

I am guessing that most of you are from the younger generation.
I have several friends who are "kept" in a very very nice style. They take care of the kids, housekeeper takes care of the house and they have hubby's supper ready when he comes home.
Only one of the husbands I know of in this arrangement is a really self centered jerk who expects full attention to be paid to him at all times.
The majority are loving and devoted husbands and fathers who take a back seat with the house and child care bcz. they feel they are doing their share by making the money.
This worked for my parents always and for me and DH for several years.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 3:54 pm

sequoia wrote:

Exactly, Saw, option 2 with financial benefits of options 1. I know clever women married to henpecked husbands who have just that. Their husbands work, share in childcare and housework equally, and the wives make all the decisions while doing nothing.

Works for me. Where do I sign up? LOL

pause

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 9:35 pm

sequoia wrote:

Which wife wants to make all the decisions??? That in itself is more responsibility than I'm willing to take on, regardless of physical work.

gittelchana

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 9:35 pm

I find the first one to be unrealistic. Therefore, I feel that this isn't a sincere question, so I voted #1 because, why not...

All sarcasm aside, I won't be from those who point out a problem without offering a solution so here is what I would write as option #1, which I think would get more support than the 6% it currently has.

Option #1 - One in which I am responsible for the house keeping and childcare and all decisions that pertain to that. Where I defer to his decision with regards to all other matters. Where I treat him as the captain of our ship who is also responsible to make it all happen. Where I am fully provided with a house and all its necessities.

I think that if your husband brings in all the money, he should get to decide how it's spent. I can't understand the mindset that expects to have a say in something you aren't responsible for. It stinks of entitlement.

By the same token, if I as a wife am responsible for keeping the house clean, he doesn't get a say in how that's done. He can't tell me how to fold this, how to vacuum that or in what time-frame I ought to do things.

Bottom line, decision making should belong to the one who's responsible to make it happen. Whatever the "it" happens to be. If it's a shared responsibility - I personally believe in the traditional marriage and therefore defer to his judgment. (I'm not saying that everyone needs to have a traditional marriage, I am saying that there needs to be a balance between privilege and responsibility)

mommy3b2c

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 10:22 pm

gittelchana wrote:

So if my husband makes the money, I can't decide to spend on something without his permission?

Water Stones

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 10:54 pm

Mothers wrote:

Which style of marriage would you prefer?

1- in which you have no authority and/or rights of decision making, but in which you also have no responsibility to take care of yourself and all your (financial) needs are taken care of

or

2- in which you have equal rights in decisions, but also full responsibility to take care of yourself and equal responsibility to contribute (financially) to the marriage/family

If these were the only choices in real life, I choose to be not married. I would be single and devoted my life to opphanages or something else that make Hashem happy with my life choice.