How much do you spend on a yahrtzeit?

amother

Cyan

Tue, Jan 17 2017, 1:46 pm

Asking purely out of curiosity (somewhat relevant but will not be basing my decision on responses necessarily).

DH's family is always collecting money every year (and I mean a lot of money) to sponsor various things in honor of their mother's yahrtzeit.

We reallllllly don't have the money but I have been going along with it (and probably still will) and am wondering what is typical? Does everyone do this? Is there something lacking in me that I don't think I would (spend money I don't have for a parent's yahrtzeit, may I not be in that position for a long time)? I know I definitely would not want my children to do that in my memory/zchus (unless of course, they had the money for it).

Whaddaya think?

greenfire

Tue, Jan 17 2017, 2:03 pm

I think the person is already dead ... it's self-aggrandizement to do something so lavish as collecting monies you don't have

say kaddish ... make a l'chaim mit a bissul mezonos - go visit the kever - he can also finish a seder of sorts in their honour for an aliya

amother

Turquoise

Tue, Jan 17 2017, 2:08 pm

Collecting money for a yahtzeit, as in asking for tzedaka? You can do a lot for a person's neshama without asking others for tzedaka- davening, tehillim, learn Torah. If you're making a small kiddush in shul- all you need is a little cake and drinks- it shouldn't be that expensive. But why ask people for tzedaka when there are so many living people who can use the physical money? Are you clear when you collect- do you tell others that it's for a yahrtzeit?

amother

Khaki

Tue, Jan 17 2017, 2:14 pm

I can't say why ppl do that but we don't.
First yartzeit for my parent husband made a siyum and I made a meal for the minyan.
I grew up with my father brining rugelach and juice for after davening on the morning of the yartzeit.

amother

Lavender

Tue, Jan 17 2017, 2:28 pm

My husbands mother was niftar at a young age. They definitely do not do yearly things. One or two things over the years.

amother

Cyan

Tue, Jan 17 2017, 2:41 pm

amother wrote:

They collect money from the siblings to sponsor xyz in honor of their mother's yahrtzeit, they don't ask other people for tzedaka. Sorry for the confusion!

Iymnok

Tue, Jan 17 2017, 2:42 pm

Dh completes a mesechta or something. I make a cake for these yum in Shul and we make sure to have 24hr candles on hand. He fasts the day of.

amother

Rose

Tue, Jan 17 2017, 3:31 pm

My husband will sponsor the printing of a weekly brochure or something in honor of a yartzeit. Or pay towards publishing a sefer. Are these the type of things they are collecting money for?

I think it's appropriate to give extra tzedaka in honor of a yartzeit, how much and for what is for each family's discretion.

amother

Olive

Tue, Jan 17 2017, 5:08 pm

We don't sponsor anything besides some cake and schnapps in shul for my father's yahrzeit. Whoever can makes a siyum. Some of my siblings may give extra tzedakah, I don't know. I take on a personal kaballah every year, I'm careful with something that I have a hard time with starting about a week before and I continue for as long as I can hold out.

ra_mom

Tue, Jan 17 2017, 5:22 pm

We have large family yartzeit seudas in memory of our grandparents. Everyone makes one or two dishes and the entire meal gets covered that way.
Whenever the nifar's children have sponsored things leillui nishmash, they all sat down together to decide how much each person would chip in. One person didn't just decide on their own and then announce how much each person owes for something they didn't agree to. That wouldn't be fair.