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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
10 yr old ds has hard time coping



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amother
Lilac


 

Post Tue, Jan 17 2017, 3:57 pm
When others are not following the rules in a game correctly. His Rebbie called up and said he notices this. I have known for years that my ds has issues with other ppl not following rules. It really bothers him. Rebbie said he walked away from the game. I thought that was an improvement over arguing. But ds was still so upset. Also when he has a question, it burns him up until he is answered. I'm not sure what I should do to help him. How do you teach a kid to "let it go?"
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 17 2017, 4:08 pm
DD was exactly like that, until just recently. She's 13 now, and just seemed to grow out of it. She's more mature, more likely to see gray areas, and more accepting of things that are not what she expected. Overall, she's much less rigid than she used to be.

She still has a strong sense of justice and fair play, which makes her a great advocate for disabled and minority students in her school. She speaks up and "uses her privilege" when she sees anyone getting picked on. Try to look at your son's attitude as a strength, and help him channel that in a constructive way.

As for needing all the answers NOW, she's still like that. She's bright, analytical, and not afraid to question authority. That can make her challenging, but she will never be brainwashed! I give her as many answers as I can, but I'm not afraid to say "I don't know. Let's look it up together."

If you absolutely cannot answer right away, tell him when you can spare the time, and then follow up. The follow up is absolutely important, because if you don't, he'll nag you even more for immediate answers. Even if he's forgotten about the question, ask him if he wants to look it up with you. The fact that YOU remembered, will make him feel valued and heard. This will help relieve a lot of anxiety.

Research is a great bonding activity, and with the help of Google, it can take only a minute or two out of your day. Time well spent, IMHO. (When he is old enough for you to trust him with the computer, you can encourage him to research things on his own.)
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amother
Gray


 

Post Tue, Jan 17 2017, 9:23 pm
So interesting! My son is 13.5 and has just this year started being able to differentiate the gray areas and when to fight back on an issue.

All my kids struggle to let it go as you say OP. I think I'm also rigid and inflexible in certain ways, so I kind of understand it. not that its easy.

I think breaking it down when you are calm to discuss with the them and help assess the situation is helpful because it becomes smaller pieces instead of this huge upsetting thing that happened at recess. A lot of times I agree with my kids assessments even when I wish they would just let it go - my daughter walks away from jump rope games at recess when kids insist that they are not out. When I ask if she minds not playing, she says she finds other friends and just walks around so its not like she's missing out on socializing. Right now, that's what works.

Its rough. With my youngest now, age 7, we are doing a chart of letting it go. Once a day, she can earn a check on the chart. If she can handle my saying no to her, or if she gives in on a fight, stuff like that. I don't think it will change her, but I hope it will build awareness so that the change will come later.
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amother
Lilac


 

Post Tue, Jan 17 2017, 9:49 pm
Op here

It's so interesting that above poster and frantic frummie are saying same thing that at about age 13 your children started seeing the gray areas. That really gives me hope. I will still try to work on it with ds, but thank you for giving me hope.
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