Where to turn for advice - boy rubs my son in school

amother

Mistyrose

Fri, Jan 13 2017, 10:10 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Try to look at it this way. If the boy was rubbing your son in a place that was more inappropriate, and it was very pleasurable to your son, and he wanted it to continue, what would you do? Whether it was the front of his shirt, or the front of his pants, should not make a difference here. What if the other boy was several years older?

Your son needs to learn that just because it feels good, doesn't mean that it should be happening. The other boy may be harmless, but I worry for your son. Some day he may meet a predator, and will have no frame of reference to protect himself. The pattern of pleasurable touch will already be set up.

That is exactly what I am afraid of too!

myym

Fri, Jan 13 2017, 1:22 pm

I read through the thread and I am starting to be concerned about why your son likes this. I feel like at this age he should already know that it is inappropriate. Are you affectionate with him? Maybe he needs the sensory input that he enjoys it. I would explore that.
I also agree with imasinger that it is concerning that you feel you can't tell your son to stop accepting the rub.

amother

Ivory

Fri, Jan 13 2017, 1:54 pm

I'm sorry if this has been asked/answered before, but is your son's father in the picture at all? I do not have a son, but I am sure that if this was happening here my husband would not tolerate this for one day. There would be legal consequences for the school staff who failed to act, and our child would be immediately removed from the situation.

amother

Mistyrose

Sun, Jan 15 2017, 5:05 pm

amother wrote:

My husband is easy-going type and does not see this as a big issue. Since talking more to my son I found out that this goes on when they are on the bus together too. I did tell my son to tell the other boy to stop and my son already is first telling me that the other boy didn't do today and when I questioned further then he said he just did it a little. I'm amazed that mothers here don't experience their kids being less than truthful once they are told not to do something!

FranticFrummie

Sun, Jan 15 2017, 6:18 pm

amother wrote:

I'm amazed that mothers here don't experience their kids being less than truthful once they are told not to do something!

We don't mean it that way. DD has lied to me about lots of things. All kids do. "I don't have any homework in math." I find out at the end of the semester, that she hasn't been turning in any of her homework in math! Why does the school wait a whole semester to tell me this?

We all share your frustration. You're in a tough spot, and your kid likes his school. Still, your kid needs you to be the "bad guy" here, and protect him - whether he wants you to or not.

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Jan 15 2017, 6:33 pm

It is possible that, as other posters said, all that is happening is that your son is an outlet for some boy's sensory need. Possible. Or, it is possible that he is doing more than a back rub to him, slowly getting more intense. It is confusing for a child when these boundaries are crossed because it might be pleasureful for him. It is a possibility that this boy is grooming him in order to later molest him. Many kids do not verbalize the point at which it becomes molestation because they are so full of shame. (My mom told me not to let him do this...now look where I am, it is all my fault. Or, I enjoyed the touch, so it is just as much my problem as his.) If this is going on in the bus or at recess, there is not an adult looking directly at them at all times. You do not know what exactly is going on. The fact that the school is not taking your child's safety seriously means you cannot trust that your son is safe (especially because he can't say no!). It is also possible that nothing is going on beyond what your son disclosed. Even so, he has basically announced to the world (and any predators watching) that he is an easy target.

My advice: say it like it is. Son, there are some very bad people out there that like to touch children in ways that are so bad and so mean and so inappropriate. Your body is private and no one is allowed to touch you or make you feel uncomfortable. I don't know if the boy in your class is trying to do something bad or if he just has a touching problem, but it can't happen. If you feel like you want a massage, I will give you one after school every day. If you can't say no to the boy and he does not listen to you, I will need to change classes or schools to keep you safe. How would you feel about that?

amother

Seafoam

Sun, Jan 15 2017, 10:33 pm

OP, I know this is going to sound crazy, but can you post where you are? Some details sound like something my son might do - yes, he's in behavioral therapy and I'm on top of it - and I'm always nervous that the school may see something and not report it. I know the teacher said she told the other mother and she was not concerned, but you never know... the part about the bus today made me feel better as my DS wasn't on the bus today but I'd feel better if I knew for sure!

Notsobusy

Sun, Jan 15 2017, 11:16 pm

Op, I've been following this thread for the last few weeks and I'm shocked that you haven't made any headway. You must be firm with the teachers, it doesn't matter if they 're bothered, you are the mother and you INSIST that they put a stop to it. And then you go straight to the principal and INSIST to him also, this must end IMMEDIATELY!

amother

Mistyrose

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 12:38 pm

amother wrote:

I am in Brooklyn.

amother

Mistyrose

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 12:42 pm

glutenless wrote:

We just spoke to the Rebbe and he said that he is telling the boy to stop and he can see the boy watching the Rebbe by recess to see if he is looking at the boy and whether he can get away with it. The Rebbe said he is talking to other Rebbeim and is deciding if he should punish the boy when he does it. It seems to be a sensory issue, but still! I really appreciate the responses here because it gives me koach to continue pushing the school to do something. What about the bus ride? Do I ask the bus monitor to only allow my son to sit with a certain 2 boys on the bus so that he does not sit with this boy? Oy. I feel like there is SO MUCH TIME when this behavior can go on - before school starts, Hebrew recess (x2), lunch, English recess, bus on the way home...

amother

Seafoam

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 10:07 pm

Good luck. Definitely approach it in a "let's figure this out together" way, not a "your son is touching mine inappropriately" way. As a mother whose son sometimes does inappropriate things, I applaud you for reaching out to her; I personally want to know what he's up to so that I can address it properly with his therapist. Just keep in mind that she may already be doing something to help him and your call may make her feel like her efforts are in vain, so you may get some resistance, especially if she's unwilling to fix or face the problem (which might be the case, based on what the teacher said).

imasinger

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 10:08 pm

I've already stated my opinion about what I think would work the best, but if you feel that talking to the mother would work, here's a suggested wording:

"Hi, Mrs. Backrubbers Mommy, it's amother. I've been having a little problem I'm hoping you can help me with.

My DS tells me that Backrubber has been coming over to him at recess and on the bus, and rubbing his back and shoulders.

I know this may sound like we're a little overprotective, but we're trying to teach DS about the importance of personal space, and we have instructed him not to let others outside of family touch rub his back or shoulders. These days, we feel we have to be so careful!

DS wants to do what we feel is right, but can't quite bring himself to hurt Backrubber's feelings by telling him to stop rubbing him.

Clearly, my DS thinks your DS is a nice kid, and we don't want him to lose that impression, but we want to help him be firmer about saying no, and we'd like the kids to find a less touchy way to interact.

Do you think you might be able to talk to Backrubber about not giving backrubs to DS any more?

Thanks so much for understanding."

amother

Mistyrose

Mon, Jan 16 2017, 10:19 pm

amother wrote:

Thanks Seafoam, I am so glad you responded, I wanted to hear your take on this from the other side. I will try my best to use the approach of "let's figure this out together", I hope that she sees it as an issue and doesn't say that it is fine at this age (or whatever else).