Complaining to one parent about the other, acceptable?

amother

Oak

Sat, Jan 21 2017, 9:06 pm

DH is really mad because he told one of my children (a teenager) that they can't do or have xyz.

That child came to me and said "uch, tatty never lets us abc"

I gave a sympathetic nod and moved on.

He's mainly mad at the kid (slightly at me) for having the nerve to say anything to me, he feels it's incredibly disrespectful and not okay.

I am torn. I don't see why a child who feels wronged by a parent should not be "allowed" to say anything about it. I'm sure I complained (mildly) to one parent about the other in my life and I don't think it was a big deal.

I also would not care, and would actually be happy if my child complained about me to my DH. I'd be happy for him/her to have someone to talk to and to validate them and I hope if my DH thought I was wrong he'd tell me so I can change. In general, DH is very insecure and I am not so perhaps that is coming out on how we feel about this (meaning, he takes it as a huge affront to him and I don't care). . .

In any event. . . how have you dealt with these things in your household?

And on a related topic, do you always maintain a "united front" even in instances that you think your spouse is wrong? How does that work?

Thanks

penguin

Sat, Jan 21 2017, 9:10 pm

My first reaction was just that this is tricky, because if you someone were to make a blanket rule against complaining to one parent about the other, what if there were abuse going on?

In most normal cases, though, I think talking to either parent has to be done w/ respect. So the same way if you think your parent made a mistake you're supposed to say, "Father, is it possible that I read somewhere that it's XYZ..."

I think if a child felt one parent was being unreasonable and not open to discussion, they could ask the other parent to try to intercede IF they do it with all possible derech eretz. What that would look like, depends a lot on family dynamics.

BabsB

Sun, Jan 22 2017, 12:21 am

I personally treat it as a learning opportunity. It's a great chance to teach them to use "I" language instead of "you" language when faced with conflict. It's also a good chance to teach how to be frustrated with someone while still respecting them.

I do recognize their frustration, but I am also always careful to side with their Dad. If I don't agree I'll talk to my husband about it later in private.

Maybe your DH and child need to talk about it together and each explain themselves (and set ground rules for how they will address future conflicts).