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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Purim

You pay it all?

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amother

Seashell

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 5:18 pm

If my teenage daughter wants to give 15 mishloach monos. Not just food but something cheapish to put it in as well. Am I paying for it all??

33055

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 5:20 pm

Of course you should. How else can she grow up to be entitled?

mrsjay

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 5:23 pm

Only thing that I would suggest is give an amount that you would give towards it for example($25) and have her figure out the rest..(she can bake...make something...)

mommy3b2c

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 5:25 pm

Well that's up to you. You're her parent.

thunderstorm

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 5:27 pm

I always paid for my friends Shalach manos when I was a teen. But each parent is different and times have changed

momX4

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 5:27 pm

She should do a theme. You can spend $2-$3 on each and it can be really cute.

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 6:05 pm

That depends.

If your daughter is sending MM to fulfil her own obligation, maybe she should pay at least some of it on her own (I'm not sure what 'acquire' as stated below really means)...this is a question for your LOR. Here's a reference suggesting that there are varying viewpoints:

From http://www.aish.com/h/pur/m/48968806.html
"13. Can children who live at home fulfill the mitzvah with the parents' package?
According to some opinions, a package may be sent on behalf of the entire family. According to another opinion, only a husband and wife may send together, but children should send separately. If children prepare their own packages from food in their parents' home, they should be allowed to acquire the food before sending it."

On the non-halachic side, it depends on the family's finances and your general parenting philosophy. Do you set limits on spending in general? Is your daughter expected to pay for other things for herself?

The tone of your post suggests that sending an extra 15 MM seems like too much to you...is that so? Does your daughter understand this? It can be hard for teens to "get" how their wants and needs fit into the bigger picture of family finances. It can also be awkward to figure out when and how older kids start to do (and pay for) things on their own rather than be included with the parents. Perhaps this would be a good teaching opportunity for you to help her set a budget and plan a project that she (with or without help from you) can afford.

amother

Seashell

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 6:21 pm

Bizzydizzymommy wrote:

I always paid for my friends Shalach manos when I was a teen. But each parent is different and times have changed

So did I. I hardly asked my parents. But being a single mother its a hard balance. I don't want her to feel we can't afford but on the other hand it all adds up....

cozyblanket

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 6:45 pm

My kids collect candy from simchas torah and other events and use it to make their own MM for Purim. Because they know I am not buying a ton of extra stuff for their friends - or they are OK not giving their own. It's just too expensive for each kid to do their own and too complicated and confusing. But if you feel that telling her to pay for all of it isn't realistic for her, then offer a dollar amount, like PP said, but $25- wow that a lot... I was thinking more like $10 - but then again, I am super frugal and definately don't thinks kids feeling entitled is at all good for them.

amother

Amethyst

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 6:50 pm

im sorry but 15 mm is way over the top. she doesnt have so many close friends. you could offer to give her money for 2 friends. and thats it. she needs you to use some common sense. here. that she should give to the closest friends. I am married and I dont give more then that. its not a show. explain that to her. sit down with her and ask her to pick 2 closest friends. and then tell her its not ok to go overboard. its not healthy. do you have more kids? how can you do that for so many? I dont know I think this is so wrong. she needs to see you have boundaries.

op she is a teen. they dont get that it all costs money. they dont really have a concept of money. unless she works. and that your single. should give her pause. but shes a teen. and they dont really care about all that. you need to explain to her what you can. dont explain why. they dont even want to hear why. just that this is how much you can give. she might say, mom your so mean. but hey, she will get used to the idea, that giving so many is not what its all about.

DVOM

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 8:17 pm

I'm going to disagree with Anethyst. I remember how important it was to give shalach manos when I was a teen. Giving and getting shalach manos was 'proof' of friendship, and had a lot of emotional weight attached to it. Plus, if OP's daughter only prepares 2 shalach manos, and 10 friends show up on Purim, that would be so embarrassing for her. At the same time, I don't remember giving more than 5-8 shalach manos each Purim while I was in high school, but maybe OP's daughter is more popular than I was =).

OP, you don't want your daughter to feel deprived, but you also want to teach responsibility and accountability. You mentioned not wanting her to "feel that you can't afford", but if in reality you can't afford something, I don't think it's damaging for her to know it. If that's your reality, hiding it from your daughter won't make it go away. It will only lead to resentment. A healthier way than hiding from it is learning to cope with it. I live on a very tight budget, and its always a challenge each Purim to figure out how to make fun Shalach Manos for very little. It can be done! Sometimes it means giving to fewer people. Sometimes it means being very creative about what I give and how I package it. Of course, sometimes I wish I could splurge and give something really big and beautiful, especially to the people I really care about, but the reality is that I can't. That's ok.

amother

Rose

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 8:32 pm

We've still got some weeks to go until Purim... if its important to her to make fancy MM - thats a valid feeling.. explain that its not in the family budget this year, and perhaps she could find some babysitting jobs etc. to fiance her MM project.

PinkFridge

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 9:00 pm

amother wrote:

And tell her not to forget that matanos l'evyonim is on top of the maaser from the babysitting.

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