Kids go to sleep at 9 pm. Why?

amother

Bronze

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 9:08 pm

I honestly can't figure out why.

They wake up around 6:45 most days. Some days they're up at 6. Some days they're asleep until 7:15/7:30 and I have to wake them. No rhyme or reason.

They are 6 years old and 3 years old.

I start bedtime routine at 6:30, bath, pjs, brush teeth, read books and into bed. They're usually in bed by 7:30. But then they don't fall asleep for another 1.5 hours! Sometimes the 6 year old falls asleep at 8:30 but the 3 year old never falls asleep before 9.

I know sleep is different for all kids. I'm not so concerned about the 6 year old because mostly it seems like enough sleep for her and mostly she wakes up on her own at 6:45. So she's getting, on average 10 hours of sleep. But I'm sure my 3 year old is tired because sometimes she'll doze off at 5 pm if we take the car or carriage out. And she's only getting 9.5 hours of sleep and she's 3 years younger.

Also, aside from their sleep needs it just kills my night to be busy with them for so many hours every night.

What do they do for 1.5 hours in bed? They play with toys, read books, beg me to sit with them. If I sit with them they talk to me. If I don't sit with them they call for me constantly. Sometimes they ask for food. But mostly they just play quietly in bed.

Am I overthinking this? Should I just accept that I do my part and they're in bed at 7:30 and when they fall asleep is out of my control?

Thing is, when DH puts them to sleep they're usually conked out by 7:45. His routine goes like this: 7:00, pjs, brush teeth, read books and into bed. But once they're in bed he doesn't allow them to talk, play or anything. He tells them very strictly to be quiet and put away toys and stay in bed. Sometimes they cry themselves to sleep. Most of the time they're quietly upset because they're terrified to make a sound because they're scared he'll yell at them to be quiet. Can't say I'm a fan of his technique. But it does get them to sleep an hour or more earlier than I manage it. So does this mean they actually are tired enough to fall asleep earlier but something about the way I manage bedtime is wrong? I'm not saying his way is right. I like my kids to fall asleep with a smile on their face, not with tears. But if there's a happy medium between our two methods I haven't found it. Any ideas?

thanks

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 9:20 pm

Kids will do anything for your attention.

Tell them if they call you, you will NOT come. If they wait quietly for 5 minutes, you will come to check on them. Acknowledge them for waiting quietly. Eventually, they will learn to fall asleep.

If they say they are hungry/thirsty tell them they will get a good breakfast in the morning! (Don't worry, they are not really hungry. It's kids way of avoiding bedtime and getting some extra attention along with a treat.)

OutATowner

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 9:45 pm

I once saw an idea for a "bedtime pass." Eaxh kid gets ones and can use it to come out of their bed once-for a drink ir whatever, but then you take the pass and that's it. Kniwing they have an opportunity to leave, even once, has proven to be effective. I still have to try it though!
Also, is there a way to separate them? Even if it means putting the 3yo in your bed and moving her/him? Sounds like they keep eachother up.
You can also try an incentive chart.
Good luck!

behappy2

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 10:05 pm

As long as they are playing they won't get tired!!!

My son is 6. When he was 4 he used to play with toys at night and we had a rule that if we play with a toy than the toy goes away. I saw that it was keeping him up. Now I don't make a deal of it bec it happens very infrequently.

We also have a rule that I ignore him after he is tucked in. I spend a lot of time with him before bedtime so that helps with the guilt. This takes away the incentive to stay up for attention.

Kids need sleep to be the best they can be (just like us) so it is worth it to at least try.

miami85

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 10:11 pm

Hate to break this to you but normal sleep for preschoolers and early elementary schoolers is 10-13 hours (elementary might be closer to 7-8 hours already). If your kids are going to sleep from 9pm-7am,+/-15 mins (I.e. 10 hours) and not acting cranky or crazy--then they are getting their allotted sleep. Once I figured this out with my own kids, bedtime was less of a struggle. One of my kids needs more, and usually falls asleep earlier, but my others are more of the 10 or less variety. I don't get much down-time.

amother

Bronze

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 11:06 pm

thanks wrote:

Thanks. I do this a lot. Then instead of calling me they start asking, Is it 5 minutes yet?? and they say, oh I just need to tell you one last thing. Lol.

I don't give them food very often, only if I know they didn't eat enough supper that night for whatever reason.

amother

Bronze

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 11:10 pm

behappy2 wrote:

I was thinking maybe the playing keeps them up. But if my 6 yo is reading, then at least she isn't calling me as often. And if my 3 yo is playing then she isn't running in and out of bed with a different excuse every minute.

I started letting them play with toys because otherwise they were still falling asleep pretty late but they were just calling me the whole time and coming out of bed a lot.

Maybe I should make playing with toys part of the bedtime routine? Like 10 mins for playing with toys and then put them away? Ugh I'm just worried that they'll play for 10 mins and then call me for the next hour.

amother

Bronze

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 11:18 pm

miami85 wrote:

yes that's why I mentioned that this schedule seems ok with my 6 yo. She gets 10 hours and she wakes up on her own in the morning. My 3 yo is what I'm wondering about. She regularly gets less than 10 hours, and she does seem tired in the afternoon. She doesn't wake up on her own in the morning, my 6 yo usually wakes up first and then my 3 yo wakes up from the noise.

Also, even if they just sleep 10 hours I would much rather that they sleep from 8pm-6am because my 6 yo bus comes at 7:30 in the morning and her morning is much better when she has more time. But how can I get them to fall asleep at 8? I already start bedtime routine at 6:30. I can't really start much earlier than that because my 6 yo doesn't get home from school until 5:15.

miami85

Tue, Jan 24 2017, 12:01 am

amother wrote:

Not always possible. People have innate circadian rhythyms that can be hard to reprogram. I know I tried throughout my elementary-high school years and I have a "natural" downtime from like 5pm-9pm which is when normal kids do their homework, but I would be zonked. I would then get started at 9pm and go to sleep at 11pm (as an adult more like 12:30am)--especially during finals and midterms/term papers b/c I knew that trying to work during during my downtime would backfire. Since having kids/working, my rhythm has adjusted somewhat and
One of my kids is very self-regulated and I tried EVERYTHING to get him to go sleep earlier, no dice. I was nervous about this year dealing with a new schedule, but within a week he adjusted from going to bed around 9pm and now goes to bed more like 830 ish--but naturally he will go to sleep 9-9:30 and sleep until 6:30-7am.

salt

Tue, Jan 24 2017, 2:17 am

My kids also go to sleep easier with DH. Not because he's so strict or threatening or anything, I think they just play up with him less in general, because they prefer my attention or something.
Like they'll be with DH all afternoon, and as soon as I walk in the door the they'll ask me for a drink of water, call me to help them in the bathroom, etc. What you didn't need any of this beforehand Confused

So, I think, if they are capable of sleeping 1 hr earlier with their dad, and with less distractions, you could motivate them with a chart (as suggested by a previous poster). You say to them that at their age they really need more sleep, and that you see that with daddy they settle down much nicer, so you are going to try putting their toys away before bed time like they do with daddy, and everyone lies down nicely. You'll pop in to see how they're doing every 10 mins, and if they don't call you or get out of bed, they'll get a point in the morning.
At the end some prize. At that age doesn't need to be big prizes.

thanks

Tue, Jan 24 2017, 7:09 am

amother wrote:

You need to be consistent.
If they ask you "is it 5 min yet", you tell them you're not coming until they remain quiet for 5 min. They will learn to wait quietly.

If you give them food sometimes, you will be doomed. They will always continue to ask, and beg, because they know you've given in at times. (intermittent reinforcement). If they did not eat enough supper, they will survive until the morning. Really.

Being consistent will put an end to this behavior, especially if motivated by charts and by your compliments on their good behavior.