Special outings always backfire

amother

Blonde

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 5:03 pm

I have a difficult 7yo without a diagnosis.
Other kids are off from school but he has yeshiva. So dh and I decided to do something special for him and only him. We got home close to bedtime and on the way home we discussed that he is going to go for a shower nicely, then finish hw and go to bed.
We got home and what do you think happened? He played games going for a shower, fought and didn't go in nicely or get into pajamas nicely. It took almost an hour just to get him in the shower, out and into pajamas. When he was finally in bed he started playing games and making trouble in bed.
I feel like every time I do something for him it backfires and I end up getting "punished" for it.
Had I kept to the normal routine things would have gone smoothly. But I felt bad that he didn't have vacation so did an extra something.
I am so frustrated! I feel like I never want to do something special for him again. This happens every. single. time. I try to give him a treat.

amother

Sienna

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 5:11 pm

amother wrote:

Had I kept to the normal routine things would have gone smoothly. But I felt bad ....

This might be the problem. You felt bad. He likes routine.

You gave the treat for YOU. To help YOU feel better. The change in routine threw him out of kilter.

He is not punishing you. But he may be letting you know that interrupting his routine is not rewarding for him.

You have to find a different way to reward him. I don't know how though.

gibberish

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 5:19 pm

Many children thrive on routine and don't handle the unexpected very well. Moving forward, when a change in schedule is planned, you should prep him, and let him know what to expect a few days (or at least one day if possible) prior to the change. I find that talking about a change in routine(whether good or bad, doesn't matter), makes a world of a difference and helps the day move smoothly.

amother

Blonde

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 5:27 pm

Even when he knows about the outings this happens. And he does want the outings. Maybe he just doesn't know how to handle it.
What other rewards would you recommend?

iyar

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 5:48 pm

Leaving home and his usual surroundings might be too much for him.
The treat can be a special craft you do with him, something messy that you don't always have time for. Painting, clay, pottery, paper cutting, is there any kind of craft he likes? Or baking with you. Maybe a new book you can read him or a new puzzle you can do together. A simple science experiment that makes things froth or fizz or change colors can be exciting. All in the comfort of your own home.

seeker

Tue, Jan 31 2017, 6:19 pm

Adjust your expectations and chill out. Your expectations. Instead of only preparing HIM for the change of routine, it sounds like YOU're the one bothered by the change in shower and bedtime routine. Prep yourself: You are going to have a nice outing that will be fun for DS. You are going to come home and he will be tired and off schedule. Bedtime will likely be delayed and a shower may not happen. You'll chill out and try to avoid getting stressy over the shower and bedtime because you want to extend the niceness of the day out. The next morning might also be off-kilter, so brace yourself. By the time he gets home from school you'll be able to reset to your regular schedule.

If I'm getting this all wrong then feel free to ignore everything I wrote, but that's just the way I'm reading this situation.

amother

Wheat

Wed, Feb 01 2017, 11:21 am

I recommend doing an outing much earlier than bedtime. This way he has time to unwind before the whole dinner/shower/bedtime routine. Outings right before bedtime often backfire with kids, and especially with kids who are very routine oriented.

Chayalle

Wed, Feb 01 2017, 12:00 pm

amother wrote:

This. As the mother of a somewhat out-of-the-box, free-spirited 8 year old, I agree that some children need adjustment time built into their routines. My DD would not go easily from an outing to bed - there needs to be built in time for her to unwind, play with her toys, etc...before she is ready to settle down. I would not plan a trip that ends late, unless I expect to push up her bedtime.