Damage caused by sons friend. How to handle?

amother

Amber

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 9:08 pm

My 13 year old son invited 2 boys from his class to our house shabbos afternoon. One of the boys was acting very rowdy and caused around $150 in damage. Lets assume this point is not debatable: One of the 3 boys alone was being wild and by himself caused the damage. Should I:

1. Call his mother and ask her to pay.
2. Expect that this sometimes happens and if the boys family offers to pay then fine, otherwise forget it.

amother

Magenta

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 9:17 pm

If the boy is 13 then I would assume that he himself is obligated to pay.

I think you are probably allowed to be mevater, but I don't know.

Do you, he, and his parents all fear G-d? Would the parents be upset knowing that their child owed money for damages that was left unpaid?

Does the child have other "issues"? Do you ever need to have him in the house again? Is he a bad influence on your own son? How will asking or not asking for payment affect the relationship between him and your son? How much is $150 to you? To him?

I would contemplate all of these questions and then ask a COMPETENT Rav. If he does not ask at least most of these questions and then some, I personally wouldn't call him competent.

notshanarishona

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 9:23 pm

If you invite a friend over the assumption is that an adult is supervising. I would have sent the kid home once he was being rowdy.
It's not fair to expect the parent's to be responsible for something out of their hands. If anything the boy should pay

justmarried

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 9:24 pm

I would let it go. IMO it's not worth putting your son in that awkward position. He has to go to school with him every day. I would just not let that kid back into my house.

As a side point, I don't know if the parents are obligated to pay you. He was technically under your care at the time.

amother

Pumpkin

Sun, Feb 05 2017, 9:31 pm

It really depends who you're dealing with. If it was my kid, this is how I would want it to be presented to me
"Mrs. amother our kids had a good time together on Shabbos, and I'm telling you what happened b/c if it was my kid I would want to know. Your son was acting very energetic and broke something, and could have injured himself or others. I just wanted to let you know in case you want to discuss it with him."

If it was presented to me in the right way I would definitely offer to pay.

If it was presented as "Your son was really wild and caused a lot of damage in our house!" I might get defensive and think, doesn't she know that boys will be boys?? - I'm not saying that it's right, but if you put the parents on the defense it's going to be more uncomfortable to try to get the money.

Of course there's always the option that in the first scenario they would apologize and not offer to pay. And then it's uncomfortable to have to ask anyway.

I think there is some component of you have to chalk it up to "these things happen" and just not invite the kid over again. (if you don't get anywhere with any other method)

Raisin

Mon, Feb 06 2017, 5:24 am

notshanarishona wrote:

I don't think a 13 year old needs supervising. As in being in the same room.

I agree that you should nicely inform the parents. Don't ask them to pay - if they offer, great. Leave it to them.

Does this kid have any special needs eg ADD?

I once had a family over and their kid broke an expensive item. (which we could not afford to replace) Only afterwards did the parents tell me their kid has ADHD or ADD. I would have probably been more careful if I would have known this. (moved the item, kept a closer eye on the kids etc)

5*Mom

Mon, Feb 06 2017, 5:43 am

If it were my son I would hope you would call me to tell me what happened and give my son a chance to make ammends by paying for the damage he caused. Be nice and calm and factual. That's preferable to carrying around resentment about it, which you would because $150 is a lot of money.

13 yr olds need an adult in the house but can be expected not to damage property without constant supervision. They're old enough.

abound

Mon, Feb 06 2017, 6:08 am

I may not have the kid over again, but I would never ask them to pay. He is a child and he is under your supervision. If he would have gotten hurt acting wild in your house they could legitimately be upset with you.
According to Halacha, it may be different.

If it would be my son, I would want to know and would probably make my child work to pay it off depending on the situation, but the truth is you are responsible.

Simple1

Mon, Feb 06 2017, 7:31 am

Oy, that's very upsetting.

This is a side point, but I thought it was ok for 13 year olds to be alone for short periods of time. Is it different for boys than for girls? Ok, to an extent I know this would depend on the maturity levels.

SixOfWands

Mon, Feb 06 2017, 1:16 pm

Simple1 wrote:

It would be very odd to insist that 13 year-olds need to be in the same room as a parent at all times.

As a parent, I would definitely want to know if my child damaged someone's home.

If it were my home, as to expectations, if the damage were malicious (using a knife to cut upholstery, throwing something to the floor), I would absolutely expect to he reimbursed. If it were careless, but the result of roughhousing, I wouldn't expect reimbursement (although I would offer if it were my child).

I would only host the child again if expectations were clear.

And IME, its almost never just one kid.

heidi

Mon, Feb 06 2017, 1:44 pm

Hi there, I'm the mother of the "damager". I got a call from a mother yelling at me how my son had broken her pool filter etc.
B"H I stayed calm enough to ask my son what had happened (instead of yelling based on her "facts") and his explanation was reasonable and factual.
I called her back to explain and of course offered to pay any damages. By then she had calmed down and realized what really happened.
But I feel hurt and angry every time I see her.
Please, assume that the parents don't know what their kid was capable of and be kind in how you phrase it.

Chayalle

Mon, Feb 06 2017, 1:50 pm

Make sure you have the facts straight. I still remember when a woman called my mother yelling that my brother broke her son's glasses, and she had better pay for them. My mother stayed calm and told her she will discuss it with my brother and find out what happened.

So my brother explained (and his camp counselor confirmed the details.) This boy came to punch my brother in the face, and my brother put his hands up in self-defense, accidentally knocking off the boy's glasses.

My parents did not pay.

5*Mom

Mon, Feb 06 2017, 4:49 pm

Simple1 wrote:

This is a side point, but I thought it was ok for 13 year olds to be alone for short periods of time. Is it different for boys than for girls? Ok, to an extent I know this would depend on the maturity levels.

I totally leave my kids home alone by 13 but not when they have friends over. At that age I'm in the house when friends are over, but 13 year olds do not need constant supervision in order not to damage property.