Kids inviting themselves over

seeker

Mon, Feb 20 2017, 10:45 pm

Maybe I'm just strange or don't have enough experience, but I love it when people ask if they can come. It makes me feel like they enjoy being in my home. I'm assertive enough that I have no problem telling them when it's not a good time, even if I need to do so firmly and repeatedly (though yes, I've had my more irritable moments when I wished I didn't have to...but hey, that's life, you deal with it.)

I also sometimes will pre-empt an invitation when I would prefer the playdate happen by me. Either I don't feel like going out to take DD somewhere, or I'm more comfortable supervising them myself (I'm unapologetically overprotective) - so if my kid's friend or friend's parent calls up, and usually my kid will have already told me they talked to the friend about arranging something, I'll invite them over before the other party has a chance.

rainbow dash

Tue, Feb 21 2017, 2:40 am

sourstix wrote:

Why can't another invite themselves to your house? Isn't that normal between kids? It's not like adults? Kids don't come with cheshbonos. They just want company. They don't Care what your house looks like. I love when kids come over. I'm always honest when they can't come because of whatever reason. I will just say, ok how's not a good time please come and I'll say a better time.

Kids don't get insulted unless you are rude. They take things as is said.

My twins 7 care,what the house looks like. :-(

WastingTime

Tue, Feb 21 2017, 3:58 am

amother wrote:

How about when a 4 year old calls up to invite themselves over, and you know that they didn't dial your number all by yourself. Please, mothers! If you want to make a playdate for your young child, please put yourselves on the phone- not your little one!

I don't have a problem with it personally. Find it cute that my kids at the age of 3 already get phonecalls from their friends. Makes them feel big. I always end up putting the mother on the phone after (she is usually waiting there next to the child) and discussing it with her.

In general, I have no problem when kids ask to come over, I think its great for my kids to have friends. And when it doesn't work out, no one is insulted if you say today isn't a good day. I do have a bit of an issue with my kids randomly bringing friends home, but thats my own issue that my house is a prepetual mess. Happened twice in a row that my 10 yr old brought first a South African and then an Israeli over to my house when it was sooo messy. And although the kids may have been in shock, and may have reported home to their mothers, I decided who really cares. My kids can really benefit from the social interaction, and if anything it'll remind me its good to have your home look acceptable at all times.

Then again I think this is standard practice where I live (RBS, probably Israel in general). I can see that it may be annoying in buildings when kids are knocking every other minute on your door to come play, but for better or worse we don't have that problem anyway

salt

Tue, Feb 21 2017, 4:12 am

I'm fine with it. We're in Israel, it's fairly common, either to phone and invite yourself, and even just to knock on the door, especially if it's Shabbat.

Just that my 6 yr old DD has this one particular friend who will invite herself, which is fine, but then she'll turn up with all her siblings (anywhere between 1 and 3 additional kids) - that is too much. So sometimes I'll say to her, or tell me DD to say to her, "yes you're welcome, but just you, not your sisters" - she sticks to it (usually Confused

)

amother

Blue

Tue, Feb 21 2017, 8:08 am

I hear ya- I also teach my kids that we don't invite ourselves, we wait for an invitation and we most certainly dont just knock on friends doors and ask to come insides.

when my oldest was 3/4 I found this to be more of an issue- and anytime I would get a phonecall or text saying 'esti wants to come over' I couldn't help but be sarcastic and say ya of course you want her to come over....

now that shes 6 her and her friends make a lot of plans in school and she'll come home and tell me 'ma im going to esti on shabbos'
I text/call the mother and to make sure we are not imposing I say
'DD would love to get together with esti this week- does it work out for you? would you prefer to come to us or is it easier if we come to you?"

but I dont think its generational or neighborhood, I think some pple are just more aware of certain social graces than others are.

amother

Jade

Tue, Feb 21 2017, 8:31 am

amother wrote:

I've had my 4 year old call arranging a playday. I always get in the phone after she fumbles on her initial conversation. Same is true the other way. When my 4 year old receives a call, at some point the mom gets on the phone and asks for me. This is ALWAYS the way it goes. It's cute when 4 yr olds start this call. I've never heard of them finalizing anything.

Chayalle

Tue, Feb 21 2017, 10:18 am

I have a very independent DD who likes to make her own phone calls and arrangements, sometimes without my knowledge. She's 8, but yes, she was doing this at age 4, despite my best efforts to tell her to ask to use the phone, tell Mommy what she's up to, etc....

I have tried to teach her that when we call others, we invite them to our house, to which she responds "but I want to go to her house!" I've also found that often when we do the inviting, mothers are too happy to send their kids to us, but don't necessarily reciprocate with invites - so I end up doing alot of hosting and entertaining. After a few times of hosting, I don't feel so bad if DD asks to come over.....

What I've done (and continue to do) is check up on the arrangements. If DD comes and says Rachelli said I can come over, I will call back Rachelli's mother to check and make sure that it was indeed okay. And I have also dealt with kids showing up whom DD has invited without consulting me first....

OP, if you have a hard time saying no to a child wanting to come over, it's time to toughen up and learn that it's okay to set boundaries. There will be lots bigger things to say no to in life (we checked and he sounds like a great boy, just not for us....) so now's the time to get started. It's okay if the time doesn't work for you, or if you are just not up to it today. Keep in mind, though, that if you want your kids to have healthy friendships, you will have to host playdates, just as others will host your child.

amother

Tangerine

Tue, Feb 21 2017, 1:05 pm

amother wrote:

to each their own!
I happen to think its cute

pizza4

Wed, Feb 22 2017, 10:42 pm

I'm always happy when neighbors come and ask if they can play with dd. (Age 3,4)Its usually fine! If it isn't a good time, I just tell them so, or come tomorrow. I send dd over to just one neighbor without asking, because I know that if my neighbor can't then she will send her straight back home.

Tablepoetry

Thu, Feb 23 2017, 1:42 am

I think there is a difference between just showing up and between formal planning to come over.
I live in Israel, and just showing up is very common, especially on Shabbat when you can't exactly call beforehand. In my area though kids only start doing it around age 6-7, not at age 3! Age 6-7 they can play together without your constant supervision; age 3 you are going to be their babysitter. Anyway, what 3 year old can just 'show up' on his own.

If a kid just showed up at my place when we were sitting down to eat (as I saw happened to a past poster), I would invite him/her in to join us.

Pre-planned visits are another issue. I taught my kids it's rude to invite themselves over, and believe it or not, in my very Israeli city, other kids don't call to invite themselves over either. Once in a while a mom will ask if her kid can come over, but she will word it as a definite favor, as in 'I have a meeting tonight and I'd really appreciate it if my dd could go home with yours right after school'. Or the kid will call and explain the situation.

In short - spontaneous 'showing up' at our place is usually done on Shabbat, or long summer afternoons, and is very acceptable. There's something non-committal about it. (I admit I would be VERY annoyed if under 5 year olds were constantly just 'showing up' at our house. But for some reason, all my kids started with this socializing only after age 5).
Pre-planned visits at least IME, you invite to your own home, not invite yourself to others!