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What happens at a conservative shiva



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amother
Amethyst


 

Post Mon, Feb 20 2017, 11:34 pm
My half sisters MIL passed away and the funeral is tomorrow.
They are not frum at all and only keep three days of shiva, I am not close to my sister and havent talked to her in almost two years.
I wont be able to go to the funeral but would like to go to shiva.

I have never been to a conservative or reform shiva so a few questions maybe someone could answer.

Am I allowed to just show up and walk into the house? Will they be "sitting " like in the frum world?
Anything else I should know?

Thanks
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SixOfWands




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 20 2017, 11:50 pm
amother wrote:
My half sisters MIL passed away and the funeral is tomorrow.
They are not frum at all and only keep three days of shiva, I am not close to my sister and havent talked to her in almost two years.
I wont be able to go to the funeral but would like to go to shiva.

I have never been to a conservative or reform shiva so a few questions maybe someone could answer.

Am I allowed to just show up and walk into the house? Will they be "sitting " like in the frum world?
Anything else I should know?

Thanks


BDE.

Its close to the same. Women will be included in the minyan. And say Kaddish (which they also do in my MO community). They are likely to offer you food while you're there (which I see at some O shivas, but not most). And they probably don't follow the idea that the avel speaks first.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 1:06 am
people come to pay respect ... much like any other shiva
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 4:39 am
SixOfWands wrote:
BDE.

Its close to the same. Women will be included in the minyan. And say Kaddish (which they also do in my MO community). They are likely to offer you food while you're there (which I see at some O shivas, but not most). And they probably don't follow the idea that the avel speaks first.


This.

And the aveil may be sitting on a couch. And people might share funny stories about the deceased at times.

And if there is no card for saying "hamakom yinachem" posted, people might not be saying it when they leave, and the mourner(s) might not understand the Hebrew. If it feels right, you can say it in translation. The sentiments will still be appreciated, even if the formula isn't familiar.

But overall, the underlying feeling of a shiva home is the same.
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cm




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 5:57 am
Don't just show up at any time during the day. The mourner(s) may be "sitting" and expecting guests only during minyan times. If you would like to spend some quiet time with your sister, call first and ask if there is a good time to come over. During visiting hours/minyan times, just walk in.

Feel free to take food if it is out on the table buffet-style. Also feel free to bring something if you want to.

Women and men will daven together and say Kaddish. Since you mention a three-day shiva, it sounds more like Reform than Conservative. In that case, there may be some differences in the liturgy.

Everything else is about the same, although individual practices may vary.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 8:40 am
Bkitzur, don't be surprised at anything. Come prepared with some nice memories to say about the nifteres and if you didn't know her but heard about her, share what you heard and invite responses. The most important thing is for the aveilim to feel that the niftar mattered and made the world a better place, and bonus points for inspired others to fill the void left in the world by taking on positive actions.
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emzod42




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 8:46 am
I would try to find out minyan times and go right after or if they have other set times for Shiva. Even if some women are participating in the minyan, probably not all will, so you can probably wait in another room if a minyan is going on that you are not comfortable with.
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amother
Amethyst


 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 10:51 am
Thank you for your replies.

I dont even know if they will be having a minyan.

I think I will just have to text my sister and ask her when is good to come and just be very uncomfortable about it.
I havent spoken to her in so long (long story) but I liked her MIL and got along with her.
It would of been easier if I could of made the funeral because this way I dont have to go to the house for shiva.
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miami85




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 11:00 am
We are Orthodox, but my DH's family is more traditional-conservative, and when he sat shiva for a relative it was more-or-less "regular" shiva. Probably my DH had more of his people come, and I think there was more food, but that could just be reflective of the community. One thing is I would NOT go close to davening times, b/c they may get you to be part of the minyan.
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Marion




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 12:48 pm
Food offered/served is not about level of observance, it's a widely practiced Sephardi custom. The idea is they offer food, you take it, you make a bracha, they answer amen, it's an illui for the neshama, an extra bracha offered in their zchut.
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amother
Mint


 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 1:22 pm
Emphasis on food. A big spread table set up with bagels, lox, cream cheese, coffee, and everyone moseys on in and takes some. The mourners sit, but people also walk around the house, in and out of the kitchen, dining room and other rooms. It's not as focused as an Orthodox shiva where you just sit with the mourner and leave. The Conservative ppl view it as an extended social call with food as one of the primary features.
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