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Forum
-> Parenting our children
amother
Maroon
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Tue, Feb 21 2017, 11:23 am
8 year old dd is generally very sweet but has issues with anger managment. If she gets upset about something, such as not liking what's for supper, or a sibling took her stuff without permission, or one specific sibling (who she has little tolerance for in general) whining or crying, she displays so much anger- yelling, destroying things, sometimes hitting.
She is sensitive, so if anyone yells at her or is mean to her, she reacts by yelling, throwing things, destroying things, or even sometimes hurting that person.
When I speak to her about it while she is calm, she says that there is no way for her to control herself when she feels angry. She says that her anger is so strong that nothing can help her calm down. We spoke about some simple techniques, deep breathing, counting to ten, etc, and she says that when she is so angry she cant do that, nothing helps.
What can I do to help her? Therapy? She is very very shy and I dont think she would open up to a therapist, but would be willing to try.
any other solutions?
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lifesagift
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Tue, Feb 21 2017, 11:27 am
Is this recent? She may be starting her teenage hormonal angst .... hang in there
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amother
Maroon
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Tue, Feb 21 2017, 12:01 pm
It's always been there, always. but recently getting a lot worse
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amother
Goldenrod
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Tue, Feb 21 2017, 4:29 pm
I would try therapy anyway. It takes time to build a relationship with the therapist, but it can be done and would likely help.
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singleagain
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Tue, Feb 21 2017, 4:43 pm
some of it sounds situational, I'm not saying this idea is for the long run, but for a short term, if there's any way to not put her in that situation, it might help... obviously, things in happen in life and you can't get out of it, so it'll be more useful to help diffuse the situation... like, if you notice something starting to escalate, can you intervene, before it totally blows up?
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octopus
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Tue, Feb 21 2017, 4:59 pm
Is this just at home or does it happen in school? The reason why I'm asking is because if she controls herself at school, at least she has that boundary. By the time she comes home she may no longer have the strength to control herself.
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amother
Smokey
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Tue, Feb 21 2017, 5:57 pm
The Explosive Child is a great book.
I've had similar issues with a child who is now a teenager and has recently started taking medication and honestly they are a different person now . Obviously my child simply could not have control without medical help. If you are very concerned, see a developmental paediatrician
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amother
Saddlebrown
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Tue, Feb 21 2017, 7:50 pm
Make an "angry corner" where she can let it out. Include punch bag, bang on garbage can type things, and also tools to calm down--silly putty, weighted blanket, cozy toy. Have lots of talks with her (not during an outburst) about anger. It is always ok to have a feeling, but we need to figure out a way to express the feeling in an appropriate way. Tell her about times you feel angry and how you manage to get over it. As long as she can get it out without hurting
--both physically or emotionally--someone, it is fine.
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flowerpower
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Tue, Feb 21 2017, 8:20 pm
If you live in Brooklyn try Chaim Neuhoff. Hes very experienced in this area.
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Tiredwithjust2
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Tue, Feb 21 2017, 9:05 pm
Sounds very similar to the situation we have but with a younger boy. He's so loving and sweet but seems to have so much built up anger that he can't control. We got him a special pillow to mess around with if he feels too angry to control his hands (I.e. Hit pillow not a person). My husband just started role playing - randomly testing him with annoying behavior to see how he reacts. When he's calm and rational he knows how to act right, but it's like he sometimes has no control what comes out of his mouth or his arms and legs have kind of them own. Thank you to whoever suggested the book, I'm going to look it up. Hatzlacha to the OP.
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amother
Maroon
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Tue, Feb 21 2017, 11:53 pm
octopus wrote: | Is this just at home or does it happen in school? The reason why I'm asking is because if she controls herself at school, at least she has that boundary. By the time she comes home she may no longer have the strength to control herself. |
She is very shy and has a completely different persona in public. She would never act like that outside the home.
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amother
Seashell
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Tue, Feb 21 2017, 11:58 pm
Same issue with 6 yr old DD. She's great in school but in any environment that she's comfortable in - at home or by grandparents, she can be extremely explosive.
She's especially bright but becomes extremely irrational when in the anger modes. And the craziest part is, that at times the slightest things can make her go haywire and at other times she would be perfectly fine with them.
Basically what I'm doing now is sending her into her room when she starts acting up, saying that it's not a punishment but we can't have her hurting others or destroying things and she can come out whenever she feels calmer.
It helps per episode but I would love to have a more permanent solution.
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amother
Olive
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Wed, Feb 22 2017, 12:01 am
90 second rule helps. Or learning to be more assertive.
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doctorima
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Wed, Feb 22 2017, 11:36 am
What's the 90 second rule?
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Laiya
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Wed, Feb 22 2017, 12:24 pm
What helped me, personally and also my kids, was learning about mindfulness.
This video is excellent:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RVA2N6tX2cg
I watched it together with my kids more than once, and we discussed it. We practiced taking deep breaths, and still practice for fun occasionally. (And btw can also help with mild anxiety, fear, etc)
When she's calm, you can talk to her about how to recognize that she's becoming angry physiologically (ex. pounding heart). And what she can do to remind herself that she needs to get calm and not yell or hit.
Maybe an incentive chart would work? When something happens and she breathes deeply but doesn't yell or hit anyone, she can get a mark on the chart or small prize.
Hatzlocha!
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amother
Firebrick
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Wed, Feb 22 2017, 1:17 pm
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amother
Maroon
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Wed, Feb 22 2017, 3:12 pm
OP here, Yes, I am actually ordering that book. I also heard about it from someone. ty
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octopus
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Wed, Feb 22 2017, 7:26 pm
amother wrote: | She is very shy and has a completely different persona in public. She would never act like that outside the home. |
I have the same thing. She is so passive at school she doesn't know how to assert herself. Then she comes home and explodes. I don't have any professional advice, but I do make her redo how she says things at home if it is said in a "roar." I feel/hope that if we do this enough times, maybe something will sink in.
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