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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Cant handle a "NO"
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amother
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Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 7:27 pm
My DD (15) has asked for alot this past year. We allowed her lots of privileges. Her vacation plans fell through (last minute planning will do that). We were going to allow her to go away with friends.

New idea is going to a Broadway show. I told her I dont think its appropriate. Dh and I never went. I asked someone that did go, to a different show, and they agreed with me. They also took the liberty of contacting dd to give her alternate ideas, terrible idea.

Now I am the bad one. DD cant handle being told no. She is destroying the peace. Last time she did this DH gave in to stop her bad behavior. I understand we have to choose our battles when it comes to teens, I do that, but I need help figuring out how to get her to accept a NO!
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 7:33 pm
Why not investigate what is playing the NY Yiddish Theater and make it a family trip?
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amother
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Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 7:40 pm
MagentaYenta wrote:
Why not investigate what is playing the NY Yiddish Theater and make it a family trip?


We are not yiddish speaking. We do alot of family trips. Dd's friend came up with this idea. Her friends are really nice, but they do have different backgrounds and household rules.

I need ideas of how to say no to dd without her going nuts. Keep in mind that it happens almost never. Therefore I am not happy. I guess I should have said no to her more.
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SixOfWands




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 7:40 pm
amother wrote:
My DD (15) has asked for alot this past year. We allowed her lots of privileges. Her vacation plans fell through (last minute planning will do that). We were going to allow her to go away with friends.

New idea is going to a Broadway show. I told her I dont think its appropriate. Dh and I never went. I asked someone that did go, to a different show, and they agreed with me. They also took the liberty of contacting dd to give her alternate ideas, terrible idea.

Now I am the bad one. DD cant handle being told no. She is destroying the peace. Last time she did this DH gave in to stop her bad behavior. I understand we have to choose our battles when it comes to teens, I do that, but I need help figuring out how to get her to accept a NO!


Its not easy.

But often, it helps to explain WHY, rather than what she may perceived as an arbitrary no.

BTW, there are all kinds of different Broadway shows. Your friends might have gone to see Kinky Boots, which they feel is inappropriate for a religious teen, while your DD and her friends intended to see Lion King, which is entirely different.
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Blessing1




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 7:50 pm
It's seems like your always giving into her to avoid fights & bad behavior. If so, you are too deep in a problem already, it needs to stop asap. The more you give into her the more she'll ask for, it's never gonna stop.
Good luck!
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 7:52 pm
amother wrote:
We are not yiddish speaking. We do alot of family trips. Dd's friend came up with this idea. Her friends are really nice, but they do have different backgrounds and household rules.

I need ideas of how to say no to dd without her going nuts. Keep in mind that it happens almost never. Therefore I am not happy. I guess I should have said no to her more.


I've lived through 7 teenagers. Saying no more is not going to help. Explaining why you are saying makes a bit more sense. She may still be angry etc, but you'll have to learn to cope with those behaviors.

Tell her why you think live entertainment is inappropriate. Or shift gears and as SixofWands suggested to something like Lion King.
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PAMOM




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 8:06 pm
Adding to what Six said--if you feel that The Lion King (for example ) is ok, you're not giving in by saying that it's ok for her to go. You're saying that you misunderstood/researched more. In other words, you took her request seriously. If plays in general aren't ok with you, suggest an alternative fun activity or ask her for 3 suggestions so you can discuss options with her.
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amother
Seashell


 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 8:09 pm
Read The Explosive Child
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sequoia




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 8:10 pm
Pick your battles.

No, seriously. Pick your battles. People go to appropriate Broadway shows with little kids. I remember seeing "Joseph" with my family and friends when I was nine. It was an amazing experience.

She's not asking to go to a nightclub.
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Queen6




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 8:28 pm
Read Sari Yaraslowitz Behavior Management - second book. Teenagers
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 8:34 pm
I saw my first Broadway show when I was in fifth grade. My father took me to see Fiddler on the Roof. By the time I was your daughter's age I had seen a few more. My high school friends and I used to catch matinees over winter break. We would find good deals on tickets. The hard part was getting permission to go into the city via subway. We never went to anything racy because we were good BY girls.

Just because you never experienced something doesn't mean you automatically have to forbid it. Some Broadway shows are more "kosher" than others. Maybe do some research on the show(s) your daughter is interested in and see if they might be acceptable before saying no outright.

Obviously this doesn't address the issue of your daughter not being able to accept a no from you. Sequoia is right that you should pick your battles. Give logical reasons when possible. This is the age when children think they know better and will do things behind your back if they think you are being unreasonable.
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amother
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Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 9:03 pm
Im actually concerned that saying yes will lead to wanted more things. Currently she and her friends have to wait for movies to come out on DVDs. All I need is for one girl to be allowed to go to the theater. I dread that day. I have no problem once she graduates high school, I told her that.

We got DD a filtered smartphone. Every App that her friends got we allowed her to get after some research and rules. She is great at blocking strangers that pop up occasionally. When we had a hard time installing SnapChat due to the filter, she actually lost it and made us crazy to remove the filter. She said her phone was worthless.

By the way, I never actually told DD that she cant go to a Broadway show. I just discussed it with someone to find out about the environment. That person contacted DD. Thats where the drama began. And she got her period.
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 9:23 pm
My parents said no to a lot of things but going to the theater wasn't one of them. I was lucky enough to have seen some of the best that Broadway had to offer in the 50's and 60's.

As to your DD asking for stuff or experiences, it's not going to stop. She is a teenager. The cell phone thing is meh, pick your battles. It's certainly not a hill I'd pick to die on. Let's face it you have a couple more years of this. She is 15, look to developing some coping skills. It's not easy, but it's necessary for your own mental health.

You still haven't articulated why you won't permit her to go to the theater. It sounds as if your decision was based on something that someone told you. I'd be interested in hearing what that was. I mean if your dretch is one where young women (or men for that matter) don't go to live performances featuring mixed genders then use that as a reason. For the life of me though, it sounds that you are looking for any reason to deny her this experience.
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amother
Babyblue


 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 9:31 pm
Broadway shows are classy affairs for the most part op, and there are several appropriate ones even for a BY teen.

And snapchat is a huge deal for teens now, social media is huge part of their social lives.
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Queen6




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 9:36 pm
Everyone is going off topic. The problem is not the Broadway Show it's the fact that she can't handle a NO. THAT needs to be addressed.
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amother
Babyblue


 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 9:40 pm
Because it sounds like op is looking to say no just for the sake of saying no.
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 9:47 pm
Queen6 wrote:
Everyone is going off topic. The problem is not the Broadway Show it's the fact that she can't handle a NO. THAT needs to be addressed.


Actually what I read was the girls mother cannot handle her daughter's reaction to the mother's no.
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amother
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Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 9:57 pm
MagentaYenta wrote:
Actually what I read was the girls mother cannot handle her daughter's reaction to her mother's no.


Op here

You are correct. The issue isnt the Broadway show. Its just that on the rare occasion that I say NO (regardless the reason) my dd cant handle it. She is locked in her room all day moping. Last time she missed a family obligation. The txt messages she keeps on sending me are so not appropriate.

I was looking for advice to have peace in my house again without giving in to her demands.
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shanie5




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 22 2017, 8:45 pm
The only way to have peace and let her learn is to live through the tantrum and not give in or find a different solution. If you do, she won and will do it again. If she sees you are firm and she can't change your mind, she will start to learn.

My children have learned that just because s/o else can have/do/get/go, doesn't mean they can. In fact, I have learned that other parents who said yes will change their minds when another parent says no. They realize that it can be done. Many parents are afraid to say no to their children, especially if "but everybody else can" (or so the child says).

In reference to the cell phone incident. If my child would have told me their phone was worthless, I would have taken it away and said "ok, if its worthless to you, I can make use of it".
As for the inappropriate texts she is sending you? I would let her know that if she is using the phone in such a manner, it will be taken away until she calms down and learns how to be respectful.

I know this is harsh, but she needs to learn to respect you. And you need to learn to stand up to your teenager.
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 22 2017, 9:29 pm
amother wrote:
Op here

You are correct. The issue isnt the Broadway show. Its just that on the rare occasion that I say NO (regardless the reason) my dd cant handle it. She is locked in her room all day moping. Last time she missed a family obligation. The txt messages she keeps on sending me are so not appropriate.

I was looking for advice to have peace in my house again without giving in to her demands.


Have you explained to her why you are saying no? (I'm coming back to these theme again since I'm not the only one who mentioned it.)

Now if you want to say no to Broadway shows if they are inappropriate do so, and tell her why. If I was getting rude texts I'd just take the phone away and explain that I did not purchase it so that she could send me rude texts. At that point I would ignore the pouts etc. There are far worse things than an angry pouty teen.
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