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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Why do super yeshivish women refer to me as Mrs?
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 20 2017, 8:29 am
amother wrote:
anyone else think of the Jane Austen? book where a character says now he's my Mr. X. She still called him Mr. !


LOL, read the whole thread.
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amother
Rose


 

Post Mon, Feb 20 2017, 8:30 am
imasinger wrote:
There is only an imbalance if that person insists on a title, while calling others by their first name. Which is not, I think, what the OP was talking about.


So that's the thing. In a business situation, I would introduce myself by first and last names and expect to be called by my first name, which is the prevailing norm. When clients/ employers introduce themselves as Mr. or Mrs., they are insisting on a title when others don't. It's rude.

Even a doctor will say hi I'm John Doe, or possibly Dr. John Doe. If he introduced himself as Dr. Doe, I'd be surprised. He might use his title if leaving a phone message, to clarify that it's a doctor calling, but even so, it's likely to be Dr. John Doe.
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jewish613




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 20 2017, 8:56 am
amother wrote:
When the plumbing supplier calls and introduces himself as Mr. Schwartz , you've got to wonder what he's hiding. It's not as bad as doing business with a fellow who only introduces himself as Mugs, but it's close. I know why he does it, but I can't imagine that it's worth giving a bad impression.


Maybe his name is Chananya Yechezkel and using his real last name is easier and more authentic than using his first name or a random nickname he made up for professional purposes. Perhaps this situation is common enough that some companies uniformly use last names.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 20 2017, 9:45 am
amother wrote:
So that's the thing. In a business situation, I would introduce myself by first and last names and expect to be called by my first name, which is the prevailing norm. When clients/ employers introduce themselves as Mr. or Mrs., they are insisting on a title when others don't. It's rude.

Even a doctor will say hi I'm John Doe, or possibly Dr. John Doe. If he introduced himself as Dr. Doe, I'd be surprised. He might use his title if leaving a phone message, to clarify that it's a doctor calling, but even so, it's likely to be Dr. John Doe.


That has not been my experience.

Any time I meet a new doctor, they would walk into the examining room and say, "hi, I'm Dr. Doe."

To me, that's the norm.

And I'm BT, so have a foot in both worlds.
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amother
Pewter


 

Post Mon, Feb 20 2017, 9:50 am
OP here. I guess another question is, do they get that it sounds a little strange and off putting (a great example is the one someone gave, in the business world when you introduce yourself as Mr so and so, when calling a company where everyone uses first names) but feel strongly about it so do it anyway or do they think that it's totally normal as an adult to introduce yourself to another adult or refer to another adult, as Mrs.?

I was talking to DH about it and he seemed to have experienced it less than I have. He thought it would be unusual for men to refer that way to each other (as Mr, if they are both adults). Whereas I've had it happen a number of times (enough that I started that thread), he barely recalls it happening at all (adults calling him Mr or referring to themselves as Mr). Is this more common for women to do to women than men to do to men and if so, why would that be?

Ftr, we both grew up-and to some extent still are-yeshivish.

Finally, just want to mention, that I never ascribe nefarious intent to people who call me Mrs or refer to themselves that way, I just think it's strange that they do so and wonder why they feel the need. . .
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sky




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 20 2017, 9:59 am
amother wrote:


Even a doctor will say hi I'm John Doe, or possibly Dr. John Doe. If he introduced himself as Dr. Doe, I'd be surprised. He might use his title if leaving a phone message, to clarify that it's a doctor calling, but even so, it's likely to be Dr. John Doe.


I Think all of my Drs - GP, OB, pediatrician, eye dr, speciliasts in hospitals - all introduce themselves with the last name only. Some are Jewish some not.
And when the nurses refer to the dr its always by last name - Like Dr Doe will be in the room in a minute, I'll ask Dr Doe his opinion, etc. I can't recall every hearing a first name use.
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gp2.0




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 20 2017, 10:22 am
I always introduce myself with first and last name because it feels pretentious to say Mrs. If I talk to one of my peers I address them by first name and last name, unless I forgot their first name. 😉 On the other hand if I'm talking to someone obviously older than me or in a position of authority it feels disrespectful not to use Mrs. or another title.

Many people are taught to use Mrs. when doing business because using first names breeds familiarity. So based on that, people feel that using first names is casual and unprofessional. Using Mrs. is their attempt at being professional and respectful.

To people from the Deep South, we're all extremely impolite and unprofessional. After all, everyone should be addressed as "sir" or "ma'am."

It's all cultural.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 20 2017, 12:18 pm
I'm Mrs surname. Since I was married. I introduce myself as such unless I have reason not to.

Certainly a child I would tell not to call me by my first name, wth.

I'm not super yeshivish, not by irl standards nor by Imamother standards.
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debsey




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 20 2017, 3:04 pm
Is it a cultural norm for a yeshivish community? Yes.

Having been raised in that community, I'm very comfortable with it. I prefer a certain level of formality, and I definitely would find it odd if a neighbor's child called me by my first name.

I was working in a healthcare facility once, and this elderly Irish woman whose name was something like Siobhan Duffy was checking in. The nurse said "Mrs. Duffy, is it OK if I call you Siobhan?" and she said "No, you may not. I don't know you yet." It was like a glimpse into a different century.

Everyone is entitled to their boundaries. If you want to educate your kids to be friendly, well, good fences make good neighbors! You can be friendly and still respect people's boundaries. I'd rather err on the side of too much formality than too little. It's more respectful.
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Earnest




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 20 2017, 6:12 pm
When I identify myself by my title: Mrs., I hope to convey the following. 'I care about boundaries, about details, about self respect and doing the right thing, halachic ly, legally,morally. I neutralize the pretentious factor by adding a warm smile and reassuring eye contact. The subtext is ' I know I'm being a little ridiculous since I am down to earth and friendly. This is an imperfect world after all.' That way strangers can avoid embarrassing themselves by steering clear of unsavory conversations, activities.
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melalyse




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 20 2017, 10:01 pm
But lets say Chani Cohen is your next door neighbor and you are both the same age. All of your kids are great friends and almost everyday after school you hang out in one of your apartments and you talk about everything in the world. Wouldn't that be weird if you called her Mrs. Cohen to her face when none of your children are around?
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debsey




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 21 2017, 1:05 am
melalyse wrote:
But lets say Chani Cohen is your next door neighbor and you are both the same age. All of your kids are great friends and almost everyday after school you hang out in one of your apartments and you talk about everything in the world. Wouldn't that be weird if you called her Mrs. Cohen to her face when none of your children are around?



Of course you wouldn't call her Mrs. Cohen when no kids are around. You'd call her Chani, once you're friends. She might say to you, please, call me Chani after the first time you meet her and you call her "Mrs." As in, "Hi, Mrs. Cohen, this is Miriam Ploni, I just moved in down the block. I was wondering, what day of the week do they pick up garbage?"

Mrs. Cohen - "Please, call me Chani."

Next day - "Kids, this is our new neighbor, Mrs. Cohen. She has kids your age."
Mrs. Cohen - "Kids, this is Mrs. Ploni and her children, Bracha and Yossi...." etc.

You'd be calling her Chani pretty quickly. But your kids never would.

When talking about her to your kids or your husband, you'd say "I heard from my friend Mrs. Cohen that there were a lot of break-ins in the neighborhood recently" not "I heard from Chani....." etc.
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singleagain




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 22 2017, 12:12 am
debsey wrote:

When talking about her to your kids or your husband, you'd say "I heard from my friend Mrs. Cohen that there were a lot of break-ins in the neighborhood recently" not "I heard from Chani....." etc.


Can't say that was my experience... As I said up thread, there's one of my friends mom's I still to this day call "Mrs. Lastname" my mother who is friends with her calls her Firstname. /But/, when my mom and are talking among just us, we both use "Firstname" as in "oh ima, Firstname called" etc.

In fact, with most of my parents' friends (both the husband's and wives) I call them and refer to them by their first name.
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