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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
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DVOM




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 23 2017, 5:59 pm
Luvme wrote:
Wow dvom. Ur such a good mum.
I wish I had the strength to go against the grain of the community and my family and to put him in a place that's good for him.
In my close knit community people only do that if their kids are severely special needs.
Shame really. Sounds like ur DS gained loads. So happy to hear that there is hope. Thanx for sharing it all.


Awwww, thanks Luv!

I can really empathize. I also live in an insular, yeshivish community (Lakewood). It does take guts to go against communal norms. I dont know you or your son, but if you think a more comprehensive special ed environment is what your kid needs, maybe talk with you spouse, your rav, a mentor, to gain the strength to make the change for your son's sake? You might find though, as I did, that people are kinder and more accepting than you'd expect. Our Rav, in particular, really supported us.

I knew my son would not get the intensive, pervasive special education he needed in a yeshiva. I couldn't stand to think that I'd be sending my precious baby out to merely survive in an environment that I knew would not suit his needs or address his deficits. He was learning kreiah and brachos, but who cares? He was also learning that he couldn't figure out how to navigate complex social situations, that he couldn't access the help he needed when he was confused or lost, that he was 'weird' and different than the kids around him. I was watching him wither, withdraw. Does that qualify as 'severe special needs?' To me, it did. I could (and did) teach him aleph-bais, yamim tovim, parsha, on my own. But to teach him to be an engaged, curious, connected, flexible person? I couldn't do that by myself. I'd tried, since his birth. I took any shred of pride or vanity that I had and consciously flushed it down the toilet. I knew my choices were going to make our family stick out, I just didn't feel we had any other choice.

I wish you lots of clarity and peace of mind in all your decisions with you son.
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 23 2017, 7:54 pm
Wow, DVMOM. Just wow. I hope I and many other parents could have that level of understanding about our kids' needs and the ability to make tough choices for them.
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smilealot




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 24 2017, 1:59 am
Wow dvom. I really admire you.
What age was he when he went and left? Just curious.
NO. Actually, don't answer that. The reason I asked is coz then I could say to myself that ur kid has more needs than mine and so I don't need to even contemplate such a change. Saying all that I actually think that ur DS from what I've heard sounds quite similar to mine.

I think ur so amazing to go against the grain and do what's right. I'm dead impressed.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 24 2017, 2:32 am
DVOM wrote:
Awwww, thanks Luv!

I can really empathize. I also live in an insular, yeshivish community (Lakewood). It does take guts to go against communal norms. I dont know you or your son, but if you think a more comprehensive special ed environment is what your kid needs, maybe talk with you spouse, your rav, a mentor, to gain the strength to make the change for your son's sake? You might find though, as I did, that people are kinder and more accepting than you'd expect. Our Rav, in particular, really supported us.

I knew my son would not get the intensive, pervasive special education he needed in a yeshiva. I couldn't stand to think that I'd be sending my precious baby out to merely survive in an environment that I knew would not suit his needs or address his deficits. He was learning kreiah and brachos, but who cares? He was also learning that he couldn't figure out how to navigate complex social situations, that he couldn't access the help he needed when he was confused or lost, that he was 'weird' and different than the kids around him. I was watching him wither, withdraw. Does that qualify as 'severe special needs?' To me, it did. I could (and did) teach him aleph-bais, yamim tovim, parsha, on my own. But to teach him to be an engaged, curious, connected, flexible person? I couldn't do that by myself. I'd tried, since his birth. I took any shred of pride or vanity that I had and consciously flushed it down the toilet. I knew my choices were going to make our family stick out, I just didn't feel we had any other choice.

I wish you lots of clarity and peace of mind in all your decisions with you son.


I can't LIKE this enough. Every word of it.

I just wish that more communities would be as supportive as yours is. My very OOT, MO community was harsher on me than anyone would have guessed. I really thought they would be more open minded, but their progressiveness was all on the "outside." They were harsh on another family I was close with, who had special needs kids, too. We actually bonded over that fact.
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chayamiriam




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 24 2017, 4:23 am
Wow DVOM! I didn't know there are moms like you! Who pull up the courage to do what's right for your child! When that child is an adult you will look back and say I did what ever I could to give my child all the tools he needs to navigate his world!!! I know a Chasidish family who had a special needs child, they refused to go against the system. He had no friends in school. His parents left him to flounder in classroom situations he didn't have a clue to what was going on in the class, He sat in class making some trouble but not enough to get him kicked out of school. The school just passed him up year after year to next grade with abusive rebbies too! He now as an adult, cannot read Hebrew or English basically has a job moving furniture and is divorced. How sad is that he could have done so much more! But doing something diffrent was a foreign idea to his parents. Of course there were not as many specialized services as today but it wasn't that long age so there were schools that addressed special needs, it wasn't a part of their chasidise, so they were embarrassed to changed, even if that would have been far more beneficial for their son!
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