Naming after lost baby (warning: sad)

amother

Orange

Fri, Feb 24 2017, 1:00 pm

We lost a baby to miscarriage and were told that during the burial the Chevra Kadisha named the baby. We weren't there, but we were told the name. I don't know if this is even allowed, but part of me wants to use that name as a middle name for a future child. Maybe it's just a way for me to try to make things feel okay again and maybe it's a bad idea, I don't know. Just hoping for some honest (and kind) feedback, please. Anonymous for obvious reasons.

cnc

Fri, Feb 24 2017, 1:04 pm

For the halachic aspect: In our family we were told it's not allowed.
I know of someone that did it so I guess they asked a shailah.

Regarding the emotional aspect: I wouldn't do it. Every time I would call the child by their name, they would be living in the shadow of the older sibling.
I wouldn't be able to handle it emotionally. I wouldn't want that child to be a tangible reminder of a loss. It's not fair to the kid.

Hugs and may we only hear of simchas in the future.

amother

Orange

Fri, Feb 24 2017, 1:28 pm

That's a very good point. Thanks.
Our posek said something about that the reason we can't know the burial location is because that baby isn't meant to be part of our lives in this world in the same way as a living child. It made me very sad but I understand. He said not to get too caught up in this and maybe that's another reason not to use the name. I don't want to forget the baby I lost but I also don't want to tie that loss to another child. You're right. Thank you.

cnc

Sat, Feb 25 2017, 5:15 pm

amother wrote:

Are you comfortable PMing me? Id like to share some other things with you but I'm not comfortable sharing them publicly.

PinkFridge

Sat, Feb 25 2017, 6:40 pm

I think your thread title warning shows a tremendous generosity of spirit on your part. May Hashem be memaleh kol mishalos libeich for the obvious tova.

agreer

Sat, Feb 25 2017, 7:25 pm

I wouldn't, but I know someone who did... they lost a baby at a few months of age...she had 2 names, and they used one as a middle name for their second daughter.

amother

Apricot

Sat, Feb 25 2017, 7:33 pm

Losing a baby at a few months age is VERY different than losing a pregnancy.
And it is brought down that can use the name of a lost child in the next child.

mha3484

Sat, Feb 25 2017, 7:43 pm

I lost a living child and was very careful that my next one be named on his own right having nothing to do with the baby. Its not fair for him to be tied to this baby he never knew. My child after is named Shmuel because my life has had many challenges but HaShem listens and my life is in a good place bh. I'm not sure I'll tell him that until he is an adult.

shanie5

Sat, Feb 25 2017, 8:04 pm

I had a stillborn son. My dd born after is named Menucha. For that is what she was to us. She is her own person, and proud of her name. She knows why she was given that name and has no problems with it.

mother4

Sat, Feb 25 2017, 8:18 pm

I had full term stillborn and although the chevra kadisha named her at burial (not known to me the name), I still wish to give the name I intended to. I feel uncomfortable BC the name was in my heart, and the baby didn't make it. But no promises for the future.
I know I won't ever forget this baby anyway.

amother

Crimson

Sat, Feb 25 2017, 8:30 pm

I lost my daughter when she was a few months old. I don't think I would use either of her names for another child. She was one of my children and I think I would feel like giving her name to another child, who would hopefully live a long life, would in a certain way take away from her existence. I would, as some others said they did, consider using a name that had some meaning in the context of that loss.

I wonder if my other children will think of using the name when they IY"H have their own children, as they do remember their baby sister and speak about her. I am not sure how I would feel about that, but we're not up to that anyway right now.

amother

Cerulean

Sat, Feb 25 2017, 9:10 pm

I know someone that lost her daughter who was a few months old and now her oldest daughter had a baby and used her sisters name as her daughter's second name

amother

Gold

Sun, Feb 26 2017, 3:11 pm

After checking with your halachic mentor, do what you think will make you happy. Some people whould find it comforting while others would find it painful, so do what feels right to you. I do know that people did this in generations past, sometimes adding a middle name or using the deceased child's name as a middle name. Once I learned that people did this, certain oddities in the family tree made sense. For example, how could a family have a child named Liba born in 1877 and another named Liba Nechama born in 1878? Somebody got mixed up, right? Wrong. Liba, born in 1877, lived less than a year, and Liba Nechama was born after she died.

amother

Orchid

Sun, Feb 26 2017, 3:18 pm

Is it really a thing that the parents can't know where a stillborn or other pregnancy loss is buried? That sounds so cruel!

I'm so sorry for your loss OP and all the other posters who lost children. I can't imagine your pain and hope you all find comfort soon.

cnc

Sun, Feb 26 2017, 3:30 pm

amother wrote:

There's no headstone or marker but there's a small marked section in the cemetery for stillborn babies.

amother

Orchid

Sun, Feb 26 2017, 5:14 pm

cnc wrote:

There's no headstone or marker but there's a small marked section in the cemetery for stillborn babies.

Op said her tab said they can't know where their baby is buried though. That's different than not having a headstone.

cnc

Sun, Feb 26 2017, 5:16 pm

amother wrote:

Op said her tab said they can't know where their baby is buried though. That's different than not having a headstone.

I'm assuming that she meant what I wrote.
We also don't know the exact spot- but there is an area of the Bais Hachaim that people go to.
I'd be curious if she doesn't know which cemetery it is.

shanie5

Tue, Feb 28 2017, 6:48 pm

cnc wrote:

I'm assuming that she meant what I wrote.
We also don't know the exact spot- but there is an area of the Bais Hachaim that people go to.
I'd be curious if she doesn't know which cemetery it is.

I have absolutely no idea where (even what cemetery) my stillborn son was buried in. I was told that he would be buried with another (adult) mes. And thats all I know.

amother

Beige

Tue, Feb 28 2017, 9:20 pm

Why are they not allowed to say the burial or name? Why name someone if he never lived? Is every embryo after 40 days named?