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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
DD7: "I wish I was never born"



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amother
Aqua


 

Post Fri, Feb 24 2017, 7:27 am
I am looking for advice how to repond to DD7 who has started saying "I wish I was never born" very often. She was recently being picked on at school, and B"H that seems to have stopped. She started with this phrase a few weeks ago, and has been saying it more and more frequently. Any time she doesnt get her way, gets a booboo, has nothing to read, someone bothers her, she has to take a bath, she doesnt like whats for supper… Sometimes she says it in an argumentative, pouty tone, sometimes its more casual and communicative. So far I have been acknowledging her feelings, (ex: "Wow, you must be really frustrated if you wish that,") but try not to make a big deal about it and try to divert her attention. Any advice? What's the right thing to say? Are there specific indicators of childhood depression?
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Fri, Feb 24 2017, 8:00 am
It's interesting, like where did she pick up that phrase? Its typical for a twenty years old to say that. Does she show disinterest in day to day things?
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amother
Aqua


 

Post Fri, Feb 24 2017, 9:33 am
I actually don't think she 'picked it up', I think she came up with it herself as a reflection of her feelings in the moment. She is very imaginative and expressive. Teachers, relatives and friends are always telling me how advanced, mature and intelligent she is. I do see that, but in some ways I think she's also immature for her age, like her tendency to shut down rather than problem solve. I think that is behind this, at least partially.
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amother
Copper


 

Post Fri, Feb 24 2017, 9:46 am
Does she look depressed to you or is she saying it for the shock value. Sometimes children pick up that when she says this and other such statements she will get love and attention. When my child was saying such statements I once said that I hear that this is how you feel but you still need to do xyz and saying this statement won't change that. She innocently asked me "it won't? Not even a bit?" With a tiny little smirk. She must of picked up how upsetting these remarks were to me .
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amother
Copper


 

Post Fri, Feb 24 2017, 9:52 am
I see that you're saying that she didn't pick it up. Can you ask her when she says that why she thinks it's better not to have been born. If she's having trouble expressing her emotions maybe work on that. Could be anxiety or depression or anything else. If she looks unhappy you might want to get an evaluation.
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Laiya




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 24 2017, 10:49 am
Just like you wouldn't allow her to say it about one of her siblings, she shouldn't be allowed to speak that way about herself.

The things we say, the words we use influence how we feel. So saying repeatedly that you wish you were never born, can be reinforcing feelings of sadness. Also, if she's getting attention for it, (ie, you empathizing), that's reinforcing it.

I'd try to give her the language to express her feelings. For example, she can say, "I'm really mad that you're making me take a bath now because I want to play!" etc.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 24 2017, 12:44 pm
I would talk to a professional about this.
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Hatemywig




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 24 2017, 1:29 pm
tichellady wrote:
I would talk to a professional about this.


What she said.


Your DD is sounding a lot like a person with a high element of self-pity, deal with it while she's 7 so it doesn't turn into a big problem.
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Chana Miriam S




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 24 2017, 2:19 pm
amother wrote:
It's interesting, like where did she pick up that phrase? Its typical for a twenty years old to say that. Does she show disinterest in day to day things?


Typical for a 20 year old? My goodness. How many do you know who say this?

Op, sounds like your reaction is on target.watch her and empathize. If you think she is seriously depressed or going to be, get help.
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shevi82




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Feb 25 2017, 12:57 pm
I would just hug her and say:" I am so happy you were born! What would I do without my beautiful yummy girl" then I would go on to tell her what a wonderful day it was when she was born and how happy everyone was, and what we bought her and why we named her with her name.
Children need love, more than anything. I remind myself that every day.
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mamamia1




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Feb 25 2017, 5:56 pm
shevi82 wrote:
I would just hug her and say:" I am so happy you were born! What would I do without my beautiful yummy girl" then I would go on to tell her what a wonderful day it was when she was born and how happy everyone was, and what we bought her and why we named her with her name.
Children need love, more than anything. I remind myself that every day.


This !!!!!!
Do not ask why!

I asked professionals and this was the advice given and monitor situation of course.
When I reacted by having catastrophic thoughts like, "Omg, it means she is depressed.../ Im a terrible mother......!"
It made it so much worse. Kids sense it.

Your calmness and confidence and love is the most healing thing you can provide.
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amother
Seagreen


 

Post Sat, Feb 25 2017, 6:29 pm
I agree with the last 2 posters. Also, OP, I think you have handled it well so far. My DS used to say that. He probably wasn't much older than your DD. It was an easy way he could get someone's attention but then again, I think it was hard at the time to communicate his frustration and probably sometimes he didn't even know why he was frustrated. I don't recall overreacting but it's been a few years now and he no longer says it.
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Learning




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Feb 25 2017, 6:57 pm
You mentioned that she was bullied in school but it stopped. Why was she was bullied and how do you know it really stoped. I would investigate and try to solve it. It is really terrible to be bullied at such a young age. We take it lightly because it is common but it is very destructive to a child.
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Sun, Feb 26 2017, 11:36 am
I would totally ignore it. Not even a calm reaction. Just totally ignore it. Then, later, when things are calm, I would ask her why she says it (but don't do this more than once or twice, or she will continue to say it). But if you ignore it every time, she'll stop. Some kids are jut really melodramatic this way, and the melodrama needs to be ignored. But, just because a kid is melodramatic, that doesn't mean there isn't a real problem. But the melodrama needs to be ignored, and the problem dealt with, if there is one (there may not be). If there is a problem, hopefully she will tell you during a calm time. And I recommend you take her to a psychologist to see if anything deeper is going on. But it's okay to ignore her melodrama in the meantime. Just make sure you give her more attention at other times, when she is behaving well.

Also, just because the bullying stopped, that doesn't mean she isn't affected by it anymore. I was bullied when young and was affected by it long after it stopped. I strongly recommend you take her to therapy.
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Laiya




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 26 2017, 1:23 pm
shevi82 wrote:
I would just hug her and say:" I am so happy you were born! What would I do without my beautiful yummy girl" then I would go on to tell her what a wonderful day it was when she was born and how happy everyone was, and what we bought her and why we named her with her name.
Children need love, more than anything. I remind myself that every day.


I think this is excellent advice, but you may not want to do it in *response* to dd, because that can be reinforcing it.
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