PSA- how to respond

amother

Aqua

Sun, Feb 26 2017, 6:54 am

I recently separated from my husband (abuse) and would like to share something important with everyone.

We do not need your pity.
Saying things like "it's so hard for the kids" when you hear them say that they miss tatty does not help. It hurts, and it lessens my resolve. I darn know how hard it is for everyone, but I am doing what is right for my family.

Instead, the response should be supportive. "It's hard now, but remember the long term goal." Or "be strong! You can do this!"

You can make the difference of being there for your loved one in a way that is meaningful, and trying to be there, but hurting her along the way.

If she doesn't bring it up, don't ask invasive questions.
TIA

sourstix

Sun, Feb 26 2017, 7:09 am

aqua your doing great! Keep strong. a lot of us know what it's like to live with abuse. And to break free is nothing short of a miracle! You did the best thing. Your kids and you have a new chance at living a healthy good life. You go girl! You have power!

It's all coming from my heart! Wishing you a strength, positivity and all good!

Last edited by sourstix on Sun, Feb 26 2017, 7:49 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Oak

Sun, Feb 26 2017, 9:16 am

When I was seperated people said the nastiest things.
My best best friend told me "so and so got remarried right away because she knew it wasn't her fault". Excuse me? I never discussed my story and I actually went through massive Abuse to the extent that I regret staying longer than I needed to. I didn't tell her anything what happened and I never will, because a true friend is supposed to be there no matter what and its none of her business.
I was once discussing with her about food stamps and she tells me I am married and your not. How brainless! I cut off from her since and I am not going back. I looked back. She was nasty before that and I am thankful I cut off ties for good.

amother

Periwinkle

Sun, Feb 26 2017, 9:45 am

Some people have no tact.
A couple of years ago I got separated from my husband. Had 2 kids at the time. The youngest was 7. Omg. The comments.

I felt like I had to tell one woman. Her daughter and my daughter were good friends and I wanted her to tell her daughter to be patient with mine. So I told her. Now bear in mind. I hardly have anything with her. The only thing we have in common are our daughters being friends. Her respond. NO. you have to tell me what happened. So I told her it just didn't work out. She answers but you have to tell me the truth. What happened.

Another friend that was divorced with a few kids. We were great friends. And she was really good to me during my separation. But hubby and I had gone to extensive therapy (no abuse there) and we decided to get back together. My friend freaked out. Gave me great advice. Told me that I shouldn't go back cuz men don't change. He will never change his ways. Yup. She isn't a friend anymore. I am happily married to my husband and she isn't remarried yet. ( and there was no abuse there either).

The best thing a FRIEND can say in a situation like this is let me know with what I can help. Nothing else as far as I am concerned. That way I can feel comfy calling her if I need a sitter. I am not one to air my dirty laundry in public. And I don't want to tell you what happened.

Op. Please stay strong. You can always come on here and vent. And just ignore the ignorant people. They will never understand. Your kids will only grow from this and ultimately, they will know you did it for them.

amother

Papaya

Sun, Feb 26 2017, 11:46 am

There is a slew of inappropriate responses including some mentioned here, but for the one in the OP, I'm sorry but OP is just (legitimately) being very sensitive. Unless she clearly was saying "How could you separate because it's so hard for the kids" it sounds to me like she was trying to be empathetic and validating. On the other hand if someone said to me "it's hard now but remember the long term goal" depending on my mood that day I would probably hear that as unsolicited advice, and idiotic advice at that because having a long term goal doesn't actually make the here and now less painful. With all the insensitive things people could be saying, validating "it's so hard" is almost as good as it gets. I cried with relief the first time someone said that to me because up to then all I'd gotten was unsolicited advice, judgment, or avoidance.

So with full understanding of OP's sensitivity, I don't think you can give blanket advice like that. You can only say that people in this situation are usually sensitive and vulnerable and people should try to be cognizant of that.