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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
GAAAHHHH please help me out of this rut!



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amother
Azure


 

Post Wed, Mar 01 2017, 11:17 pm
Having SUCH a hard time with my kids lately! I feel like not only are they challenging but I used to be a better parent and have gotten totally off kilter somehow and can't figure out how to get my bearings back.

DC #1: 1st grade. ASD diagnosis but very high functioning.
GRRRRRRRRR not listening. Smart-a$$ answer to everything. Sometimes I think DC probably thinks it's a joke, sometimes looking for attention, sometimes doesn't even realize it's chutzpadik, a lot of times just seems to be driven to answer back to EVERYTHING. Argumentative. GRRRRRR. And even when there's no arguing or backtalk, DC just doesn't DO what they are supposed to. Like getting dressed in the morning. GRRRRRR. This has been an area of difficulty for a long time but never has it been so intensely aggravating. Visual schedule doesn't work. Timer doesn't work. Chart doesn't work. Promise of preferred activity if done in time doesn't work. YELLING REALLY STERNLY kind of works and then makes everyone feel rotten but frankly of all the things I've tried it's the most rewarding... and then I hate myself. I feel like I'm abusing my baby. But otherwise nothing would ever happen.
Oh and did I mention the backtalk? GRRRRRRR!

DC #2: Kindergarten. No diagnosis but feels like ASD to me, in a different flavor than #1 (DC was evaluated about a year ago and did not get any diagnosis but I'm not convinced.)
Everything has to be their way. Usually this is not hard because their way is pretty good. But if anything doesn't go their way it's chaos. Loud, unstoppable tantrum. It does not end if you ignore it. Not giving in doesn't seem to teach this DC anything. Every time I end up pacifying DC I feel like I am destroying the future for all of us by "giving in" but there is really no other way, how much trauma is everyone going to go through over every little thing? DC literally does not know how to accept things going differently. This morning everyone was late because I told DC to attempt putting on socks before I would help. Granted this was not a good judgment on my part to pick a fight over this even if DC was being a baby (DC knows perfectly well how to put on socks and everyone was busy at the time. I did not say I would not help, I said try on your own first - as in, instead of standing in middle of morning bustle kvetching for someone to help just because you want attention.) I KNOW I need to pick my battles more carefully. The problem is that in any battle DC either wins or goes crazy. And makes everyone else crazy in the process.

I am losing my mind and feel like I'm totally failing at parenting these two. Where do I even start to pick up the pieces?! I haven't even described everything that's falling apart right now. They're also picking on each other. And I have run out of positive, effective strategies for that too. I feel like half the time I just snap at them and then they go on with what they were doing anyway.

At wits end At wits end At wits end
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amother
Pumpkin


 

Post Wed, Mar 01 2017, 11:23 pm
They sound just like my 2.....5 and 4. No official diagnosis and don't think there is a real issue I think iys more a stage thwy r going thru but r EXTREMELY EXTREMELY chutzpahdik and love tomy ell back and not listen and not get dressed and all the that. Hopefully oy will pass.
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amother
Denim


 

Post Thu, Mar 02 2017, 4:47 am
I have a brother with was then diagnosed as Asperger's and now would probably be ASD.

He is super smart and super high functioning today , he's 20 -in a great yeshiva, has a great chavrusa, brings friends over for shabbos all the time, is kind and sensetive, teaches chess ( his specal interest) on bein hazmanim for extra $....

When he was the age of your son he was a TERROR. I was his sister- I know. Like the stuff you are describing where the GOOD days.... IT WILL GET BETTER.

You need to set the bar lower. Pick your battles .Pick 3 non- negotiable things to work on and let the rest go. When those things become habit you can add another 3....

Try to understand how they experience the world - it will give you more patience once you actually understand how hard it is to be them.
These really helped me understand my brother
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ECU8y5i7osY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbgUjmeC-4o

Even though today my brother has no more sensory sensitivities - thanks to tons of therapy and his social skills are a lot better then the guy in the second video and he has no problem learning through reading it helped me have more patience.
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amother
Blush


 

Post Thu, Mar 02 2017, 5:01 am
My only suggestion is please look into meds. My now 12 yo began with the tantrums at about 3.5. They got worse and worse and worse. Last year he was finally diagnosed with High Functioning Autism. And he's just now started some medication and although there are side effects and we are still tweaking it etc the tantrums have decreased, almost instantly, by about 95%. So please don't be afraid of meds.

Also read an implement the strategies in the book "The Explosive Child".
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 02 2017, 5:52 am
Is there a Children's Hospital or autism clinic in your area? They have excellent parenting classes. If you call up and tell them you're not coping, and you need a better set of skills, they will help you.

Throw yourself on their mercy and beg! If they tell you that all the classes are full, call every single day and ask if there are any cancellations. Chances are very good that you will get in sooner. Don't worry about what they'll think of you. They've seen parents of autistic children pushed way past the brink, and they do not want you to get to that point.

I am not at all implying that you would ever abuse your children, but autistic children are at an extremely high risk for parental abuse. After a morning like you've just described, I'm sure you can see how someone could snap. There are sources in place to make sure that you never feel that frustrated. Keep calling until you find someone!

Hug You are a great mom for reaching out, and wanting to do better. Hug
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amother
Azure


 

Post Thu, Mar 02 2017, 9:35 am
I don't think I'm at risk of any kind of physical abuse but I definitely feel like the way I've been reacting lately borders on verbal abuse. Not in the extreme sense but in the way that hearing it again and again would make someone grow up feeling pretty rotten Crying

I would love to take parenting classes but even if they're available I have no idea how I could possibly make it. I work only a little less than full time and DH works a little more then full time, DC has therapy after school twice a week, Shabbos is Shabbos, and I would like to take other DC to a therapist as soon as I find one. First DC gets OT and I want other DC and also the first one to start getting play therapy so that's not even going to be in the same place and time. Then there's just life that keeps happening and I can barely keep up with.

I want to make DC #1 some kind of chart for listening right away without mishugass, any idea how to work it? I already have a prize to work toward (DC wanted something I wasn't going to buy so I said I will buy it but they need to earn it before using it.) It's not very big so maybe a week or so of working toward it. What kind of contest can I set up that will be easy enough for me to keep track of and can work on breaking this habit - the target is responding to directions with nothing other than following the direction. Which is a little hard because DC is smart and knows that sometimes it does make sense to discuss a direction, and also the way DC is if there is something they really care about and it is reasonable, then DC gets sooooo upset if I insist the direction gets followed without properly listening to what they say. Like meltdown upset. And I get it because I understand the need for validation so well. In the past I was totally fine with reasoning like this because it used to work but now that we have a problem of so much not following directions, I need to draw a line somewhere.

DC does not do this every single time but it's starting to surprise me when DC DOES listen. Of course I do loads of enthusiastic positive feedback when that happens but so far the negative far outweighs the positive and it's a real problem.
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 02 2017, 1:01 pm
my son is like this. smart-alecky answer to everything. he's learning when to stop, but he's older than yours. your kid doesn't intend to be chutzpadik. mine has some social difficulties, so he didn't realize that these kind of remarks were inappropriate at times. chutzpa is certainly not the intention. I do think a lot of the attitude displayed was defensiveness. he is a very smart kid, but he has some difficulties that other kids don't have. he's very aware of this, and finds it easier to defend himself before anything is too hard. getting dressed was difficult for him at your son's age, so he'd avoid doing it. I found it easier to get him dressed other than one or two things rather than fight with him all morning. also, I decided that punctuality was going to be the lesson learned at that age. if he wasn't going to get dressed within the proper amount of time, I was going to get him dressed. attendance of school on time was a requirement.

regarding motivation: a prize with a week or two of work is likely not going to work. give him a small prize every day that he gets dressed nicely. do set a timer, even if you think it doesn't work. it will teach him to understand time. tell him that if he's dressed before the timer rings, he can have chocolate milk with breakfast or something. what are his interests? maybe bedtime five or ten minutes later that night will work. I'm not a huge fan of using food as incentive, but it's better than yelling. even with the daily rewards, after two weeks of doing this daily, give him the big prize that he wants. second round, it takes three weeks to get the prize. have a few rounds towards a bigger prize until getting dressed nicely is a habit.

regarding DC2 and tantrums: my second kid is like this. the only thing that I found to work for her was consistent time outs. I use the supernanny method, you can find her videos on youtube. (the supernanny I refer to is the british one, jo frost. I believe they had an american woman do a series, I thought her method was horrible.) before you start that, though, my kids are more likely to have meltdowns if they're dehydrated. unfortunately, they need to be reminded to drink. see if monitoring your child's hydration makes a difference. so hydration as prevention, but it doesn't always work, and time out for bad behavior.
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amother
Cerise


 

Post Thu, Mar 02 2017, 2:45 pm
I have the slowest moving child ever. We have to use a combination of timer+chart+bribes. It's starting to work . . . Sometimes, daily chocolate or ice cream is the only bribe that works at first, and then we work our way out from there. In theroy, I am not into food bribes. But man do they work. . .

Also, I recommend 1-2-3 Magic - great book on getting kids to stop annoying behaviors and start necessary behaviors. Some of it could be useful for you.
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dina125




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 02 2017, 3:46 pm
I really like the following website for parenting tips/ideas.

http://www.ahaparenting.com/

Hatzlacha Rabba!
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amother
Azure


 

Post Thu, Mar 02 2017, 9:53 pm
GRRRRAAAAAHHHH do you know what I think is the world's most annoying answer to anything you ever tell anyone to do?
"I *am* doing it, just -"

I feel like my parenting until now was based on a relationship and that relationship is suddenly gone. Maybe it's one of those phases but if so I have failed that transition and have no idea where to go from here. Like the firmly gentle steadying hand on the shoulder to guide the child's focus toward me is now swatted and squirmed away, with sass.

The little one is doing better because after some deep breaths I have remembered some very basic strategies that I always used but momentarily forgot in this rut. Like giving very concrete advance notice of every little thing, and giving limited choices, and with that plus the positive reinforcement (in the form of happy words and gestures) DC is responding well.

The older one just keeps getting more annoying Sad

Maybe I should brush up on 1-2-3 magic. I am familiar with it. I don't really go for the punitive nature of having some negative consequence at 3 but I like the basic premise that it is trying to teach kids to listen the first time or at most the first plus warning. I think Sarah Chana Radcliffe takes a similar approach.

Timers have not been working AT ALL. So frustrating. Also stopwatches. No effect.
Also rewarding with an activity of interest for getting ready quickly had no effect.
I did once say DC could have a special snack to take to school if ready for school promptly. DC got ready for school quickly enough to prove very well that all the slowpoke behavior is mishigass (I am very willing to help DC get dressed but DC is not incapable. I help with things like buttons but I refuse to let my 6-year-old stand around kvetcing helplessly for someone to help change their underwear), but then had a meltdown because DC thought the snack was to be eaten immediately rather than brought to school.

Same DC also has some annoying stims - likes to make nonsense noise. DC is an absolutely delicious child with many good qualities that I would be happy to talk about for ages if this weren't a rant, but at the same time same delicious DC is so incredibly annoying to me right now and I think I'd need to be a superhuman to not let it show at all. Which is just horible for the DC.
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