Parenting teenagers. Does it get better or worse?

Chayalle

Thu, Mar 09 2017, 10:07 am

mommyla wrote:

Chayalle, I think we need to get your daughter and my son together, they sound like two peas in a pod Very Happy

I'm always saying that he's a total teenager and he's only 8, praying that he'll get it out of his system and we'll have a nice adolescence (yeah right!).

Praying alright....I'm not allowing myself to think about what her teen years are gonna be like. Smile

Though maybe she'll get it out of her system before that.

gold21

Thu, Mar 09 2017, 10:09 am

Chayalle wrote:

I think my kids have called a situation stupid...but not me.

I also think alot also depends on what's going on with the child.

For example, my teens don't always like my taste in clothing. They get to choose their own clothes, but I get to choose my 9-year-old's clothes (she doesn't care about clothes yet). I once bought her an outfit and my teen made a certain comment about it. I let her know she will have her turn to dress her children B"EH, and now it's my turn, and the comment was rather rude. She apologized.

I think it's more of an issue when the comment is a heated one. Then you have to know if it's worth it to respond to the comment/tone, or rather take the time then to understand what the child is going thru and where the comment is coming from.

If my child would tell me I'm stupid, then it's likely that right then and there it's not a teachable moment. I would first try to understand what the child is trying to tell me. Perhaps later on when things calm down, I might discuss choosing more respectful language.

Yes, I hear you. Makes sense.

amother

Taupe

Thu, Mar 09 2017, 10:12 am

You asked for an honest answer op, so I'll give you an honest answer. You know your child better than anyone here. It's silly to believe "she'll grow out of it". I have a very difficult teen as well. The types of problems and concerns I had when this child was 9, 10 or 11, don't compare with the issues I'm dealing with now. There were many alarming signs back then that have manifested into full blown often daily agmas nefesh. You know better than anyone if the issues your seeing now are typical, and normal problems that come up when raising a 12 year old. If that's all these problems are, just normal run of the mill stuff, then she will likely mature and grow out of it. If her problems run deeper then unfortunately the problems will likely get worse as she gets older. Hatslacha!

Fox

Thu, Mar 09 2017, 10:46 am

amother wrote:

You know better than anyone if the issues your seeing now are typical, and normal problems that come up when raising a 12 year old. If that's all these problems are, just normal run of the mill stuff, then she will likely mature and grow out of it. If her problems run deeper then unfortunately the problems will likely get worse as she gets older.

Agreed.

IMHO, there is a great deal of value in talk therapy for kids who seem to be struggling a bit -- even if their behavior is within the normal range.

Really, when you think about all the interpersonal dynamics, it's miraculous that most families get along as functionally as they do. We get at least some say in whom we marry, but we have zero choices about whom we take home from the hospital.

A few generations ago, our kids would have been surrounded by grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins of various ages -- a large extended family. Our kids would have had a variety of people at various stages of life to give them low-key advice or just listen to them. Today, we live in individual homes, usually with no more than two generations. Even in close-knit families, our kids often don't have easy access to non-parental figures.

A decent therapist can give an adolescent a sounding board and can help him/her learn to "re-frame" situations and find communication strategies that work. Kids are often much more open to input from a therapist, and confidentiality ethics make them feel comfortable being more honest than they might be with a parent.

It's important, of course, that parents present the idea of therapy not as "fixing" a child they believe to be "broken," but as sort of an emotional supplement. "We know you get frustrated a lot with us and your siblings, and this is a way for you to talk about it with someone who isn't involved and can understand your view better" is a good way to present it. It doesn't necessarily have to be long-term therapy -- sometimes a few sessions plus periodic follow-up can get everyone over the hump.

OP, I think you might want to consider therapy for your DD. It might take the edge off her reactions and make you feel more confident about the course you're charting.