Mean to siblings in front of friends

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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amother

Tangerine

Fri, Mar 10 2017, 10:50 am

6 year old ds is the oldest and usually plays beautifully with his younger siblings. Sure there are squabbles here and there, but they never get out of hand or really nasty. They resolve quickly and get back to playing nicely. The problem is, when friends are around (play dates, car pool) he does get very nasty, especially to the sibling right below him. Name calling, mean teasing, threats that he's going to hit. His friends laugh and egg him on and sometimes participate. I have ended play dates over this and honestly have very much curtailed them lately because I don't want to have badly behaved kids over. I don't know how the other kids are with their own siblings. Is it a "cool" thing to be mean to younger siblings when friends are around? I've told him why I've basically stopped having other kids over and he says he understands and promises to do better but then he does it again the next time. And he only behaves like this in front of friends.

amother

Fuchsia

Fri, Mar 10 2017, 11:07 am

I would be very very strict and punish this. Also no more friends until it stops. I would shame him in front of friends if he did that to siblings. Taste of his own medicine.

esther11

Fri, Mar 10 2017, 11:47 am

amother wrote:

I would be very very strict and punish this. Also no more friends until it stops. I would shame him in front of friends if he did that to siblings. Taste of his own medicine.

The bolded

PAMOM

Fri, Mar 10 2017, 11:51 am

I wouldn't shame him in front of friends. Can you keep the sibling in question otherwise engaged? Yes, it's very typical behavior: no, it's not ok.

amother

Silver

Fri, Mar 10 2017, 1:28 pm

amother wrote:

I would be very very strict and punish this. Also no more friends until it stops. I would shame him in front of friends if he did that to siblings. Taste of his own medicine.

I agree with you.

amother

Smokey

Fri, Mar 10 2017, 1:29 pm

totally normal but not at all ok.
my sister was my best friend when her friends weren't around and hated me when they were lol. (and we were older!!)

I would talk to your son about this when his friends are not around and tell him he can no longer have friends over if this is how he behaves.

PAMOM

Fri, Mar 10 2017, 1:58 pm

Did it occur to some of you that shaming a child in front of his friends will likely result in the friends not wanting to play with the kid or at his house? How does that help either child? You can set boundaries and make sure bad behavior has consequences without being a bully.

MagentaYenta

Fri, Mar 10 2017, 2:44 pm

PAMOM wrote:

I wouldn't shame him in front of friends. Can you keep the sibling in question otherwise engaged? Yes, it's very typical behavior: no, it's not ok.

I think many of us remember how well shaming works, there are shrinks who get rich from women shaming their kids.

Shuly

Sat, Mar 11 2017, 2:00 pm

This is called Negative Attention. Shaming him and punishing only feeds the negative attention and won't help it.
The kid is 6 years old! This is age appropriate behavior and can be changed with positive techniques.

1. When his friends are not around, point out and praise him when he is nice to his siblings - "Moshe, you are such a caring brother! You always include Sarah and make her happy!"
2. Try to have friends over when his siblings are not home - they can go to their friends at the same time. Or try to keep them in separate rooms when he has friends over.
3. Praise him for playing nicely and appropriately with his friends.
4. Teach him that he is a good brother and that he has good middos and he will live up to his good name.
5. If all else fails, you may want to limit his friends to only coming for a short time and make a star chart for him until he works his way up to longer stretches of time.

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