My blood is being drained ...

greenfire

Fri, Apr 20 2007, 10:24 am

somehow my dd takes all my energy away ... it is as if someone is draining my blood ... some days it takes forever to wake her up in the morning ... others she takes a shower for what feels like forever ... and then I wait and I wait and I wait ... all the while having an inner anxiety attack ... when will she be ready ... when can we go ... will she be on time ... late to school ... ever get to school ... what can I say ... what should I say ... can I get in the shower - will she be ready the second I get in ... if I say hurry will she just slow down ... occasionally saying the wrong thing to set her off ... and then I am spent ... drained ... overdone ...

GramaNewYork

Fri, Apr 20 2007, 10:54 am

I feel for you, Greenfire. When my younger daughter was a teen, she consumed me. I finally signed up for an art class just to get my mind off of her for an hour. I was worried about her ALL THE TIME.

I hope you have something that you can do that will take your mind off of her for awhile each day/week so that you can feel better while you're riding the wave of adolescence. It has to be something active, though. I'm not talking about something like reading, watching TV or imamother.

I mean something where your brain is challenged and engaged (no offense to imamother 'cause ya know I LOVE it). Now that summer is coming, maybe tennis at the local public school with a friend (probably free to use courts and you can borrow a racket/balls) or get an art book from the library and discipline yourself to work on it a set hour a week or whatever. You have to choose something that you would enjoy. Creative writing? Organizing your photos? Whatever, but you have to be disciplined and do it for a SET amount of time however often you decide.

It may sound trivial, but that hour can really help you cope with the rest of the hours.

By the way, do you know the real word for "teenage" in Hebrew? The word in the dictionary? It's "tipaish esrai". Get the idea?

greenfire

Fri, Apr 20 2007, 11:33 am

well the problem is that I actually feel physically ill by the time I am done with her - and I have 4 (FOUR) teens of which 2 are high-maintenance ... although I assume "tipaish" has s/t to do with a fool ... they are not in the norm category ... and it is hard to get anything done let alone go to a class nor do I have the $$ for such luxuries ... honestly I would be happy if she just let me take a shower ... but ...

shayna82

Fri, Apr 20 2007, 11:34 am

greenfire wrote:

oish I definitly hear you. why not: if your not ready to leave at so and so time, you have to walk...? I mean a teenager is not too young to get that.

GramaNewYork

Fri, Apr 20 2007, 11:36 am

Yes, tipaish does mean foolish.

A psychologist once told me that teens have the knowledge of an adult but the experience of a child. (That's why they "know everything" --yeah right-- but haven't a clue as to how to apply their knowledge with sechel--good judgment).

I'm sorry if this question is obvious, please forgive if you think so: have to spoken to her in a calm way about the specific issue of the shower? Maybe you are planning on doing that soon and you just wrote about it now because you were frustrated.

greenfire

Fri, Apr 20 2007, 11:46 am

actually GramaNY I did talk to her about the shower this morning ... and she just rudely said "don't blame me" come on ... I was waiting to drive her so that when I get in I could relax and take care of things like shaving my legs which I never have time for ... and she takes on in the morning and night too ...

then shayna - she actually slamned the door and left ... I hope to school ... she wouldn't answer me when I asked. now that it is nice I don't pick her up ... but she has a truancy issue ... so I need to make sure she gets there ... and waiting for the unknown drives me NUTS!!!

GramaNewYork

Fri, Apr 20 2007, 12:00 pm

Uch, Green, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I remember when I was a teen; there were times, nebech, when I was so mean to my wonderful mother. I am so sad to think about that now. These teenage girls go through such a difficult time. (Obviously that's no excuse for chutzpah or other lack of derech eretz).

I really feel for you. Your situation brings back so many memories of both my teenage years and my younger daughter's.

I hope that even though your daughter did not respond nicely to your "talk", I hope that she actually did listen to you and store it away for the next time she takes a shower. Even if they don't listen, it's still your job to teach them [about consideration for others]. If your daughter has serious emotional issues, then you REALLY better get yourself some enjoyment because you will not solve anything easily and you will need something fun to tide you over for the next few tough years. (I know you said there are truancy issues, but I don't think this necessarily means she has serious emotional issues even though it could be a manifestation of something bothering her at the moment).

I wish you good luck and a very very very relaxing Shabbos, please Gd.

bigmomma

Fri, Apr 20 2007, 12:11 pm

Shayna 82, I'm with you. She has to take responsibility for getting herself to school on time, if she doesn't she getS the consequences.

Greenfire: a must read for you is Parenting Teens with Love and Logic by Foster Cline& Jim Fay. all about the teenager taking responsiblity for her own actions, her own procrastination and the decisions she makes daily in her life etc. EXCELLENT, IT WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU RELATE TO HER.

chocolate moose

Fri, Apr 20 2007, 12:15 pm

I’m not that proud of it, but DH and I know that neither one of us could raise our kids alone. BH we didn’t have that “test”.

Green, we’ve said it before – you obv can’t do this alone. What about a housemate with her own kids, boarding school, some of them living with your ex, etc.

I wouldn’t suggest military school or foster care, although ……….

ssbarnes

Fri, Apr 20 2007, 12:24 pm

You have my support!

My oldest is 12 and every day I wonder how we will make it another day.

I am homeschooling, so we don't have the truancy issue that you are dealing with. Today instead of class, he had to do "dog poop patrol" (normally his brother's chore), then he moved the lawn (with an old fashioned push-mower), now he is pulling the weeds in the rose garden.

He just does whatever he wants whenever he wants without any regard to the rules or consequences.

greenfire

Fri, Apr 20 2007, 12:32 pm

chocolate moose wrote:

Oh I would love a housemate ... only if he and I could play ... otherwise it wouldn't be worth extra aggrevation of more people intertwined in your already hectic life ...

I did try the jim fay ... apparently with no success

and her issues are far from not serious

we tried the virtual schoolhouse - wouldn't do the work

oh and I have an old-fashioned push mower - FUN I think