SN child and tznius?

amother

Peach

Wed, Mar 22 2017, 1:14 pm

My daughter with SN is 7. She only wears skirts/ dresses although none of them cover her knees and I still do short sleeves/ sleeveless. When did you / would you start dressing a SN child tzniusly? I would normally go by school rules or her peers but shes in a SN school with no rules.
I live in Lakewood btw...

MrsC

Wed, Mar 22 2017, 1:23 pm

My daughter is 8.5 - she's autistic, has a brain injury and has sensory processing disorder. We are *just* beginning to edge towards tsnius clothing now and it's been a slow progression. I've managed to get her wearing leggings (seam free) under her skirts/dresses and have replaced non knee length skirts and dresses with longer ones as she's outgrown them. I've hit a stumbling block with sleeves though as her brain injury has caused her issues with regulating her temperature and I'm concerned long sleeves when it's warm will cause a seizure. We've been ok through winter and I must be about the only person hoping for a cool summer.
This time last year though I thought we'd never manage. Anything restrictive around her arms and legs just wasn't happening.

amother

Oak

Wed, Mar 22 2017, 1:30 pm

I want to start off with a disclaimer that I don't have a SN child - so disregard if I am totally off base.
I would think that you would follow similar rules that you would do for a non SN child unless there was a reason not too (I.e. difficulty for any reason). So I would probably follow the local regular school rules, or what the neighborhood kids were doing. I would probably also be a little more lenient if the child didn't understand the chinuch part of it. I would also consult my Rav and get his opinion especially if it was difficult for the child to wear tznius clothing.

On a side note, I asked our Right Wing Yeshivish Rav, about what age my boys had to stop going mixed swimming and I was actually surprised that he was way more lenient than I would have thought and at a later age.

amother

Peach

Wed, Mar 22 2017, 1:40 pm

she does have seizures but unrelated to temperature. She has no reason why she can't technically be dressed tznius other then I don't want her to.
She's stocky and walks funny and if I put knee socks, long sleeves and a skirt covering her knees then she will look terrible.
I don't really have anyone to ask but I would be scared to because I don't think I would be able to dress her like the other 7 year old in Lakewood. She would look dowdy and not cute Sad

I should add that there is no chinuch involved here. She is on a 2 year old level.

amother

Oak

Wed, Mar 22 2017, 1:49 pm

With that extra info, I would then ask my Rav what is the age that a girl needs to be dressed tznius if there is no inyan of chinuch, and I am going to guess that he will say 12. I am assuming if there were difficulties with it physically or emotionally for the child that he might even say after that.

Chayalle

Wed, Mar 22 2017, 3:39 pm

I think you should ask a Rav and make sure to explain how you feel about it, and how this affects your feelings as a mother. I have a SN brother, and I know my parents asked alot of questions (more about davening, minyan, stuff like that) of their Rav, and the Halacha is definitely different for a SN child.

My oldest child is very petite, and I remember we once had a certain question (not in tznius) that we asked our Rav, and he said the Halacha is different for a ktana that looks like a ktana - IOW no one would think she's older than she is. This type of psak might also apply in your case.

Developing a relationship with a Rav who understands what you are going thru can help on so many levels. Your DD is young now, B"EH in the future there will be other things that come up, so it's so good to start that relationship now, with someone who cares and understands.

Wishing you much hatzlacha in this and everything.

gande

Wed, Mar 22 2017, 9:57 pm

I dress my child age 6 tznius and I haven't given it much thought. I feel that it is one of the only mitzvahs she can do so it is a zchus for her neshuma. Also It is neater and more comfy for her to wear thick cotton tights. I don't like the look of sleeveless on such a big girl anyways.

lizard8

Wed, Mar 22 2017, 10:12 pm

I would take it year by year in your case. She has many more years until halachic age and there is no reason to be stringent if there is no chinuch involved.

However, you didn't mention if she is fully mobile and doesn't 'look' special needs. Unfortunately in Lakewood it matters.

imasinger

Thu, Mar 23 2017, 12:54 am

amother wrote:

This sounds like it is about your perceptions more than anything else.

My guess is that most people would think she looked cute either way, and also that she wouldn't look exactly like the neighborhood kids either way.

My experience is that for some kids with SN, especially if there are sensory issues involved, it can take years to adjust to changes in dress. So it might make sense to start soon and move slowly.