Teenage chutzpa towards younger siblings

amother

Blush

Sun, Mar 26 2017, 4:42 am

So we've had a few great threads recently about how to react to teenage chutzpa.

My 15 yr old DD is chutzpa-dik in a very minor way - b"H I find it very easy to ignore and laugh it off. Most of the time, with me, she's fine.
But she is very mean to her younger siblings (aged 8 - 13).
Again, she's not horribly horrible, but my kids can't just shrug it off. For them, she's nasty.
How can I help them through it?

Yesterday, I tried to explain to my 8 yr old, that girls at that age often get very irritable,
and that it's not always her fault, she doesn't mean to be mean. It just comes out for her. And told him just to try and keep away, and when she's mean, to walk away and come to me.

But he's not self-disciplined enough to actually do that most of the time.

As I said, it's not really bad things, she'll say things like:
"Don't whistle, don't play ball, is bothering me, why can't you sit still, why can't you put your clothes in the laundry, you're room is disgusting, I can't live with you any more, yuck, what a boy, etc..."
And she'll go on and on. And the poor boy is really not doing anything wrong.

Any tips? How should I react?

amother

Denim

Sun, Mar 26 2017, 8:50 am

amother wrote:

You say that she is "chutzpadig" to you but that you laugh it off. What do you consider chutzpadig and why do you think that there is no validity to what she says to the point where you have to laugh it off and dismiss her as just being chutzpadig?

Is your daughter the oldest? Because it seems like she has taken on the role of mommy and is trying to get the younger kids to behave and/or clean up after themselves. How is that mean, nasty, chutzpadig, etc? It also seems like the younger kids are bothering her when they whistle or play ball or when they leave a mess. Do they do it all the time or do they bother her when she tries to do homework or has friends over, etc? Why is it okay with you that the younger kids are acting this way and why are you automatically taking their side by telling them to ignore her? Are you okay with them playing ball in the house or with their messy rooms? How do you handle it when they refuse to clean their rooms or when they play ball in the house or when they do things that irritate their sister? Why is their behavior acceptable but hers is not? And does she have a room of her own where she can go to if the younger kids irritate her? If not, then this may be her way of saying that she needs her own room so that she shouldnt have to deal with the messiness of her younger siblings. Is that an option for her?

amother

Blush

Sun, Mar 26 2017, 9:18 am

amother wrote:

To answer all your questions:
1. I don't mean I laugh it off, I guess I meant she is rarely rude to me. She might make some comment, but doesn't bother me. She stops if I ignore her.
2. She's not the oldest. She has 2 older brothers.
3. It's not mean to ask her siblings to clear up after themselves, she says it in a mean way, lacking patience, bossy, superior.
4. They don't bother her when she has friends over. They don't do it to bother her. If they do something that I don't allow, I tell them to stop and they stop.
5. I don't take their side. I told my son to try and ignore her, in private. And I also tell her to try and leave him alone. When they're both together I try not to take sides, as I don't always see who 'started'. That's what I'm asking advice about. How to stop it without taking sides.
6. I am ok with them softly bouncing a ball in the house. And I'm also ok with them not immediately taking their clothes to the laundry bin. And I think it shouldn't be her rudely telling them what to do.
7. She doesn't share a room with this particular brother. She does share a room with 2 sisters. But we have plenty of spare places for her to get some quiet and do her homework in peace. She usually does do that.

Thanks for taking the time to help out. I appreciate it. I really try not to take sides.

yksraya

Sun, Mar 26 2017, 11:58 am

It's all normal behavior, as annoying as it can get. Especially that she's the oldest girl in the house.

When your younger one comes complaining abt it, just give him a hug. Kids fight and that's how they learn communication skills.

If you feel she did something out of hand, wait till both of you are calm, perhaps wait till the next day. Then, calmly tell her "I am not ok with how you spoke to xyz yesterday, I need you to speak more softly to your little siblings.

It's also a great idea to first start the convo by giving her a compliment abt anything good she recently did, and then after the criticism, end off with another compliment.

Much hatzlacha!

amazingmommy

Sun, Mar 26 2017, 1:45 pm

chani8 wrote:

It's very irritating that teens, for some reason, rudely parent their younger siblings.

I've been known to say, "I know I didn't parent you that way, so why do you think that is the way to parent?"

And, "I'm glad you're not the parent in this house." And finally, "Excuse me, I am the parent here!"

To the bullied child, "Aren't you glad I'm the parent!" and "When you're a parent, be like me... not like your sibling!"

I respectfully disagree.
I don't feel like this is teaching my kid to be nice and respectful.

I feel like that would be similar to smacking my son for smacking his brother. I am just further teaching my son to smack.