Who should have paid for this wedding?

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amother

Blush

Mon, Apr 03 2017, 9:55 pm

The boy is very wealthy, his family is known to be one of the wealthiest families in the community. Our side earns just enough to support our own family BH and we have been struggling a little with money. The groom's side wanted us to pay for half of the wedding. This is not something we could afford to do because we were not so financially comfortable at that time and we explained it to them so they thought that we were trying to take advantage of them because we know how rich they are which is totally not true. We would have ended up trying to pay our part for the wedding, but they ended up breaking up and not getting engaged, for other reasons as well. It was a very painful process and they did it in a very hurtful way. But I want to know, do you think it was reasonable for them to expect us to pay for half of the wedding when they have so much and we were struggling?

amother

Brown

Mon, Apr 03 2017, 9:57 pm

I would offer to pay half of a simple wedding that you can afford if they want fancier they should cover the cost of that.

amother

Rose

Mon, Apr 03 2017, 10:01 pm

I heard that some people will split the cost, but they will base the cost on what a what a cheaper hall/basic wedding would cost, one that the other side would have chosen.

Price around for a cheaper hall, one thats appropriate for your budget. Talk to the other side and explain that you can afford that hall, or give the equivalent of half.

amother

Aqua

Mon, Apr 03 2017, 10:12 pm

My parents are far from wealthy but they didn't want THE cheapest hall in town. My in-laws had married off in that hall previously and for them it was just fine. They told my parents that they're willing to pay half of what they'd paid until now. If my parents want a better hall, they should make up the difference. In the end, my parents decided it was not worth it for them to pay that much more, and I got married in a dump. But my wedding flopped for a number of reasons unrelated to hall, so that was one of many things that went wrong. At least the FBI didn't raid my chasuna! Wink

BH my DH was totally worth the whole thing, and that's the most important!

amother

Blush

Mon, Apr 03 2017, 10:14 pm

You are both right that is very smart

happyone

Mon, Apr 03 2017, 11:09 pm

Half of a standard wedding is fair.

agreer

Mon, Apr 03 2017, 11:41 pm

Yes, the girl's side SHOULD pay for half the wedding. That is fair. But it doesn't have to be crazy fancy.

allthingsblue

Mon, Apr 03 2017, 11:45 pm

amother wrote:

I would offer to pay half of a simple wedding that you can afford if they want fancier they should cover the cost of that.

That's what my parents did.

amother

Mistyrose

Mon, Apr 03 2017, 11:51 pm

As others are saying, I agree that you should have stated the kind of wedding you could have afforded and offered to pay that. In any case, I feel like I come from a very different community, so my opinion may not be applicable. Is it typical in your circles to discuss the actual wedding costs before there is an engagement?
Also, based on what you wrote, it seems like the shidduch was broken up by the parents, not by the actual couple. How did the couple feel about this?

tigerwife

Tue, Apr 04 2017, 12:03 am

amother wrote:

I would offer to pay half of a simple wedding that you can afford if they want fancier they should cover the cost of that.

This. I know several people who have done this.

If you expected them to pay for the whole wedding, then it comes across like you want the shidduch for their money, whether or not that was international.

amother

Blush

Tue, Apr 04 2017, 12:30 am

It was broken by the couple for other reasons as well not only because of the money. There were a lot of hurt feelings though.

essie14

Tue, Apr 04 2017, 6:07 am

In my circles the parents will say "we can afford half of a <x> wedding"
Then the other side will say "ok but we want to upgrade <xyz>" and then they pay the difference. For example, boys side wants a second photographer or an extra dish at the meal or something like that.

PinkFridge

Tue, Apr 04 2017, 8:37 am

I'm so sorry and hope that the girl soon feels relief that it's over.
This is a complicated situation. I'm not saying that rich kids shouldn't marry poor ones but there are a lot of potential pitfalls and the shadchan and mentors have to proceed with chochma.
May there be four happy children - these two and their future spouses - soon!

amother

Orange

Tue, Apr 04 2017, 8:47 am

In my opinion, what is fair is that the family should offer to pay what they can afford. It's stupid in my opinion for a family to go in a lot of debt for a wedding. It's best to be honest and say we can realistically afford XYZ toward expenses. If the other family is upset or reacts badly, that's too bad.

If a couple is old enough to get married, then they are old enough to figure out how to plan a wedding on budget. There's no reason for a super lavish wedding. Weddings can nicely be done on a budget.

When my husband and I got married, we had no financial support from his family at all. The wedding was paid by my parents, me and my husband. My husband is hard working and has been self supporting since he was 20 yrs old. He had a steady job, was going to school part time & had his own apartment & car when we got married, but very little in savings. He was prob able to contribute about $1k towards wedding costs. The rest of the wedding was paid for by me and my parents. My parents aren't super rich, but was able to give us a certain budget. My husband and I also applied to hachnosas kallah and we were also given a small grant. My husband, me & family got creative to reduce wedding costs. I got my gown at a gmach. Wedding pictures were done for free by family member who is a wedding photographer & we printed our wedding album on shutterfly. We designed & printed our own invitations. My friends were the band & they gave us a discounted rate. I negotiated a lot with the vendor to work within our budget. They did some special things that were cheaper and not on the menu to help us cut costs, but still have good food and a beautiful wedding.

amother

Mint

Tue, Apr 04 2017, 9:04 am

amother wrote:

I would offer to pay half of a simple wedding that you can afford if they want fancier they should cover the cost of that.

This is what my family did. It was quite easy to figure out because another sibling had just gotten married, so my father said, I just made a wedding. It costed us Xyz. All other upgrades was the other sides responsibility and they were very respectful and ran all upgrades by my parents to make sure they were comfortable with it.

amother

Seashell

Tue, Apr 04 2017, 9:13 am

I feel so terrible for the girl. It must be so hard for her. I had issues with money with my ex family before we got married amd you know what now they are my ex family.

Chayalle

Tue, Apr 04 2017, 9:19 am

Perhaps this is why I would be wary of shidduchim for my child, with someone that has a vastly different financial reality than we do. However, if that turned out to be my child's basherte, I would certainly expect to pay whatever I would pay for their wedding anyway - about half of a standard wedding. I certainly wouldn't want my child to feel degraded in the eyes of in-laws, as someone who didn't pay their fair share.

amother

Dodgerblue

Tue, Apr 04 2017, 9:21 am

My relative (who is not well off at all) married off her daughter to a boy from a very wealthy family. I think either they split the costs or did flops. It was not a fancy wedding at all, (beautiful but just a standard wedding) but the photographer was expensive. (I think paid for by the chassan's family, and flown in from NY to the OOT location).

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