Nosy neighbor | Imamother

notshanarishona

Wed, Apr 05 2017, 11:01 pm

I wouldn't associate with a person like that.

mommy3b2c

Wed, Apr 05 2017, 11:16 pm

She doesn't sound nosy, she sounds mentally ill. Socially awkward at the very least.

33055

Wed, Apr 05 2017, 11:35 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

She doesn't sound nosy, she sounds mentally ill. Socially awkward at the very least.

Actually, she sounds opportunistic. She did get $180 and was trying her luck for more. These questions are to build repore and get information.

With these types of people, you need to be defensive and never commit to anything. If someone wants to know cost, tell them DH handles it.

zaq

Wed, Apr 05 2017, 11:52 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

She doesn't sound nosy, she sounds mentally ill. Socially awkward at the very least.

. Mentally ill like a fox and socially awkward like a shark.. She craftily elicited personal financial info from op, correctly assessed her personality and successfully extorted money from her. Doesn't sound socially awkward to me.

WhatFor

Thu, Apr 06 2017, 12:26 am

OP- You sound like such a kind sweet neighbor.

I'm so sorry someone exploited your sweetness. Unfortunately, there are people out there who prey on people with traits just like yours to their own advantage.

I understand that in some cultures people are more open about their finances, but in no culture should it be appropriate to behave ungratefully to someone who gave a cash gift, and in no culture should it be appropriate to try to use guilt tactics to manipulate a kindhearted individual to give you more. (OOC- did you make the check out to her or to her father?)

Stay far away from this woman. More than her getting information out of you, her attempt to guilt you - to use your emotions to her financial gain - should warn you against developing any relationship with this woman. Protect yourself from her; do not provide her any personal information. Keep your interactions civil and brief. A personality like hers will probably try to find out why you're avoiding her. Be vague. You're busy. She'll ask "with what?" You say it's personal. "Oh, you can tell me!" I won't be discussing it. I've got to go. Bye.

As a general rule, you might benefit from learning to be more assertive. You do not have to (nor should you) provide someone with personal information just because they asked. Simply say, "Oh, I don't share that information. Did you notice (quickly change topic)." If they ask why, you can say "Oh, I just don't." or "It's a personal choice." and if they keep persisting "I won't be discussing that with you."

Also, any neighbor who persists after you've already told them you won't share information the first time, is simply not being respectful or considerate of your wishes. You don't owe people explanations for why you don't feel comfortable sharing private info unless maybe if you're married to them. Don't feel bad to shut it down. You can always whip out the, "You know what? Why don't we discuss something a bit less personal like all of YOUR private life matters?" But not to the neighbor in question. Seriously, don't even engage her.

Abby2

Thu, Apr 06 2017, 1:14 am

Keep away. She is poison!

As an aside, you don't need to justify your help to anyone. I've realized that we can have no idea what is going on in someone else's life . Each person has different energy levels and coping abilities.

Growing

Thu, Apr 06 2017, 1:35 am

I'll step out of the choir to tell you dear OP that you need to learn how to make small talk without revealing any personal info. I know it feels all goody goody to chat up the new neighbor but please realize there is a world, of shall we say, all types, and some are.... not so innocent.

Practice giving very general answers to very specific questions if you can't get the knack of answering a question with a question as suggested above.

You come across as very sincere and sweet and this is actually not working in your favor in this situation.

Hugs

mommy3b2c

Thu, Apr 06 2017, 1:42 am

zaq wrote:

I said socially awkward at the least. Most probably some kind of mental illness. Normal people just don't act like that. There are very sly, manipulative mentally ill people out there.

amother

Lavender

Thu, Apr 06 2017, 5:46 am

U know I'm neighbors for 8 years with someone and we are very very friendly and I don't know how much she spends on her help and I know she has a lot of help too. I think this topic is just not something discussed with others. Period. Wow What an obnoxious person.

And y do u have to justify the amount of help u have? If u want to spend 1000 per week on help
Col hakovod - its your money!!

Moving forward I would barely acknowledge this woman when u see Her again. She is just a busy body lady And cannot Be trusted.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Apr 06 2017, 8:07 am

I agree with all the above. OP, you are a sweet, kind, compassionate and caring person.

How to get over this situation? Know that Hashem sent you this person to teach you how to protect yourself from predators. Thank G-d the lesson only cost you $180, and you can chalk it up to tzedaka. Some people have to learn this lesson from shady financial deals, pyramid schemes, or worse.

Thank Hashem for giving you such a small and easy lesson. Bentch this woman that she should have everything she needs in life, and that she doesn't need to resort to these tactics in the future. When you bless others, especially those who have hurt you, the blessings come back to you a thousand times over.

debsey

Thu, Apr 06 2017, 11:38 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

I said socially awkward at the least. Most probably some kind of mental illness. Normal people just don't act like that. There are very sly, manipulative mentally ill people out there.

ITA - a person can be a totally socially "off" character, and yet be extremely effective at getting what they want from others. Because they lack the capacity to think about consequences and the capacity to feel shame about what they are doing, they dare to ask for things that others would never think of! That's what this situation sounds like to me.

The first time you meet someone like this, it's hard to realize that you have to have your guard up. I was at a wedding once, and this totally anonymous lady sat down next to me. I didn't know many people there, so I was happy to have someone to talk to. We were shmoozing about our lives, etc. I actually gave her my private cell phone number - something I rarely do because I use my phone for business - because she wanted to know about a certain item I told her I had, and I said I could look up the information when I get home, she can call me on my cell. Next thing you know, I'm being handed all this promotional material for this lady's tzedakah fund (which I never heard of), and hearing "well, you own this luxury item (not so luxurious, but whatever) so you can for sure afford to give to my tzedakah" etc. etc. etc.

It made for a very awkward time at the wedding. And I had to block her number due to the numerous calls I was getting from her. I don't mind giving tzedakah, but I just didn't appreciate how the "pitch" was done.But I honestly dk what I'd do if I had to live on the same block with someone like that! Ouch.

33055

Thu, Apr 06 2017, 1:15 pm

debsey wrote:

I know a couple of ladies like this. My neighbor will casually ask if I am busy getting ready for Shabbos, when I reply that I am finished and now relaxing, then comes the request for a ride. It always starts as innocent chit chat.

One Rebetzin asked me yesterday when I began Pesach cleaning. I happen to begin early which she knows, she then told me to give up my cleaning lady to help the shul out. shock

Regrettably, I am not in a position to do this. I started working at 5 a.m. after being up until 12:30.

Asking about work or lifestyle is often a lead in to a request. Asking how many bedrooms leads to requests to hosting guests. It is not mentally ill behavior, it is learned behavior.

It is disconcerting until you experienced it often enough to recognize it and answer defensively. These same ladies also accept the DH excuse for everything, so there is an easy out. Also bring vague works as does the questions back.

"The shul needs your cleaning lady".
"Ask DH".

"Does your husband have a nice parnosa?"
"Does yours?"

"How many bedrooms do you have?"
"Why do you want to know?"

"Are you being home for Shabbos?"
I don't know. Ask DH.

"How much was your skirt?"
No idea. DH paid.

Whenever I am asked about money or vacations. I just answer very very vaguely. This is a good general rule.

mirror

Thu, Apr 06 2017, 5:07 pm

Your neighbor is afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She can't help herself because she is only concerned with herself and trying to take advantage of other people. She asks you for a favor and criticizes you to force you to do what she wants. I know people like this. Google Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It's not classified as a mental illness as far as I know, but I could be wrong.

rainbow dash

Thu, Apr 06 2017, 6:50 pm

Do what Mrs Brown from "Mrs Brown and her boys" says. She says "that's nice" when she really means **** off.

rainbow dash

Thu, Apr 06 2017, 6:55 pm

You wrote for the sake of peace. I don't get it. You just met her. You don't owe her anything.

Happydance

Thu, Apr 06 2017, 7:11 pm

The funny thing is that I can totally imagine some of my Israeli neigbors saying such a thing.
Like at election time everyone shared who they voted for and everyone asked each other
People talk about expenses, ask for tzedaka, mind each other's business much more over there
Not saying its healthy
But culturally not as absurd as thinking an American said it.