Should I give her the reward or not??

anonymrs

Sun, Apr 09 2017, 5:56 pm

This morning, I told my 6 yr old dd that she will have an opportunity to go out for ice cream with me, a HUGE treat for hher, after dinner today if she 1-listens to me (meaning I do not ever need to say 3-using 1,2,3 magic) and 2-does not make her sister cry (specifics were discussed).

She was great the whole day and I was very very proud of her. I complimented her TONS, gave her TONS of positive attention, and she was really doing well. Until supper time, and now she really ruined it for herself. When I told her it doesn't look like we can go, she came over to me and whispered "I apologize for everything". That is REALLY REALLY hard for her to do. She never ever ever apologized in her life.

I acknowledged to her that it was so mature of her to apologize but I still don't know what to do. Should I take her? On the one hand, she really worked hard the whole day AND she apologized without being prompted, but on the other hand, she did not follow the rules until the end. I really don't like to ever go back on my word but I want her to know that I noticed how hard she worked the whole day.

It's also really important to me that she has happy, positive memories of erev pesach.

Any input is appreciated! Thanks!

esuss

Sun, Apr 09 2017, 6:35 pm

By the end of the day she was probably tired and hungry making it all the harder to follow these rules especially if they are on the hard side for her. I would definitely give it to her especially since she apologized.

amother

Powderblue

Sun, Apr 09 2017, 6:43 pm

Like all the others said, I think you should give it to her. I will add, I'm assuming that based on your posting in this section, there is some sort of diagnosis (or you're aware that she has challenges that are beyond the typical kid stuff). For kids like this, a day is a really really long time. For the future, I would reward for a smaller chunk of time. Holding it together for a whole day is often an exercise in futility for kids with challenges.

amother

Aqua

Sun, Apr 09 2017, 7:01 pm

amother wrote:

Holding it together for a whole day is often an exercise in futility for kids with challenges.

I agree. A whole day?! My son wouldn't make it 2 hours. The fact that she was basically perfect until dinner means she really gave it her all, but got tired. Don't you snap more at the end of the day? Kids that are tired, sick or hungry should not be punished. I would say to my child, "wow! you behaved yourself so well today! I am so proud of you! Dinner time was hard, because you were super tired, and it is hard for everyone when they are tired. You apologized so nicely and I am so excited to go get ice cream with you!

ttbtbm

Sun, Apr 09 2017, 7:51 pm

I hope she got her treat! Keeping it together for a whole day is very hard. (I can't keep it together for a WHOLE day!) Plus the fact that she apologized, which you said is hard for her to do, shows how much this meant to her and how much she tried. Admitting that she was wrong was probably huge for her and something you want her to be able to do in the future so that she can honestly see which areas need growth. She deserves to be rewarded for that.

anonymrs

Sun, Apr 09 2017, 8:15 pm

Thanks for all the input.

To be clear, she was NOT PERFECT the whole day. She just did not get to 3, meaning she needed me to count to 1 or 2 but stopped before I said 3.

Since I posted under my sn, I don't want to give details about her. But we have been putting huge amounts of time, effort, money, energy into being the best parents for her and helping her develop into the wonderful child she is becoming (I'm trying to be positive here lol). BH she has come a long way and I did think that with the overdose of constant praise throughout the day and the big prize awaiting her, it would work, which it mostly did.

I told her that I was having a big dilemma about what to do, since I saw how hard she worked the whole day and the fact that she apologized, but she did mess it up at the end. I asked her what she thought we should do. Her idea was that we should still get ice cream, but we won't sit in the store to eat it (she is the type of kid that needs gallons of undivided attention, so this was giving in on a big part of the reward for her.) I thought that was a fair compromise so we did that.

amother

Indigo

Sun, Apr 09 2017, 9:00 pm

I love the responses here. op she is so young. she did great. tell her she worked so hard and she slipped once. I would give it to her especially that she has some sort of diagnosis. btw if my child with special needs did this. I would totally give it to him. he deserves to see that his efforts paid off. if not he will not try at all.

ok so my child has adhd. and with such childtren its not a worry that they didnt do perfect and they will get away bec this is so hard for them. especially the things you mentioned.

the social stuff is the hardest for these children. so op if your child is like mine then definitely give it to her. she will lose motivation if you dont give her any acknowledgement.

anonymrs

Sun, Apr 09 2017, 9:29 pm

amother wrote:

That may make sense for a child with ADHD. For my daughter, she is the type who remembers every single thing and would bring it up forever after, reminding me that one time, I let her get her prize, even though she messed up. Going forward, that would make these type of systems really difficult for me to carry through.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Apr 10 2017, 6:31 am

anonymrs wrote:

I told her that I was having a big dilemma about what to do, since I saw how hard she worked the whole day and the fact that she apologized, but she did mess it up at the end. I asked her what she thought we should do. Her idea was that we should still get ice cream, but we won't sit in the store to eat it (she is the type of kid that needs gallons of undivided attention, so this was giving in on a big part of the reward for her.) I thought that was a fair compromise so we did that.

Yes, THIS! Absolutely perfect!

I am a huge fan of "Parenting With Love and Logic", and this is exactly what they suggest. I use it with my challenging DD all the time, and the results are amazing. Your DD sounds like mine, extremely smart and very self-aware. With kids like this, problem solving works every time.

I can't remember who said it, but I thought it was funny: "A good compromise is when both parties are not completely happy." LOL

cbg

Mon, Apr 10 2017, 7:32 am

Great parenting.
May I suggest next time to break up the day into hours.
Make a chart, for every hour you get a star.
If you get, let's say, 7 out of 10 you get the treat.
10 out of 10 an extra treat, icecream and a trip to the $1 store, as an example.