Connecting with and parenting a 1 year old

behappy2

Thu, Apr 06 2017, 8:23 pm

My daughter just turned one. She has changed so much in the last few weeks. She used to play by herself a lot and kept busy. She was happy and easily distractable. Now she had become very clingy. She wants me to hold her all day. Oddly on the other hand she has become extremely playful and loves to imitate me and laugh together, bang heads, clap bands etc. . And yet all our toys have become boring all of a sudden, except for making trouble and climbing on things. But even old troubles are becoming boring real quick. She is great at the babysitter though. I sent her to play with a teen that she didn't know and they had a ton of fun together. She also started throwing tantrums whenever she wants something she can't have which is always. She probably cries about 10-15 minutes out of every hour and I give in to half of her demands. However even as a baby she shrieked and couldn't be consoled when my milk didn't come in fast enough. I am not sure how to handle this transition and what my job is right now. Does she want me more because she is more social? Should I be taking her out to the park and the zoo? Sitting and playing with her? Teaching her to handle herself and that mommy is not always available? Setting lots of limits or trying to limit the amount of crying. I am feeling very overwhelmed by this new little person. Any tips and advice would be greatly appreciated.
Other things. She is not yet walking but is cruising. Loves making sounds but does not seem to have any words besides shaking her head for no and saying Mama. She appears to be otherwise very developmentally appropriate and strong minded.

ProudMommie

Fri, Apr 07 2017, 12:19 am

What I always did was read and read, and read some more, and tell stories (that's later) and definitely, definitely sing! Always sing...I used to make up songs on the spot and my son still asks me to do it (he is 8 k'ah). Even this young they love songs... and you can make up silly songs as you dress, change, eat, whatever...

As they get older you can make up a character and then make up stories around that character. I made up stories that were similar to whatever event/situation/challenge happened in our lives...

By the way there are books for this age that they can take into their mouth... I am sure you know... so those are great... teaches them about learning/reading early on...

I find that the more we are there for our children when they need us and are maybe "klingy", the more independent they become. They feel confident, taken care of, and with that foundation they can then much easier hold their own in any situation. I believe in MINIMAL babysitters at all costs, at any age, but especially when they are this small.

She will not be this small forever, really enjoy her and spend the time. it goes by extremely fast! Imho there is NOTHING more important than this investment with a billion dollar return. This kesher and closeness you build with your child will become a shield later on for your daughter as she lives her life....as well as a deterrent for negative influences...

lucky14

Fri, Apr 07 2017, 12:53 am

I don't think a ton of limits is helpful (though I've heard others argue for and against lots of limits). What kind of things is she crying about? Can you give examples (especially of things you give in to). I try not to give in. But also I don't have many things that I'm strict about that giving in would be an option (ex: touching knives is a no-no no matter how much he wants to hold it, tearing up property is also not allowed).

Do what she seems to enjoy doing. Going to the zoo is not necessary, but if she really enjoys it try to take her there! My baby loves the park, others don't so much. My son doesn't talk other then like 3 words, but communicates VERY well even without "speaking" and understands so so much. He just started walking and is only a few months older then your daughter, so don't worry, she will G-d willing get there! (even if it seems like every other 12 month old is walking already).

Maybe she needs new toys? Or just random house-hold stuff. Boxes and random objects are entertaining for lots of kids that age.
Does she enjoy books? Music? We put on music and dance a lot.
Enjoy her. It really is such a fun fun age. They learn so much so quickly, it's amazing to see!

Chana Miriam S

Fri, Apr 07 2017, 1:39 am

I believe that developmentally it's normal for toddlers to become clingy around this age. When I was a la leche leader, it was. I'm in for babies of this age to go through a phase of nursing like newborns. I think it's because they are about to go off and running and they feel grounded with you.

One thing I really think is that I am glad I. Yeses my toddlers. I had to hold them, or at least be connected to them and it was often the fastest was to calm them down when upset.

I'm not saying everyone should nurse toddlers but if you can make the holding/cuddling thing work for you, I think you will find that the baby will develop strong independence because she feels that you are there and it makes her willing to check out new stuff because you've got her back. Neither of my kids were clingy as toddlers but they both nursed til 3.

To this day, I believe that our solid relationships as adults have a lot to do with all the cuddling we did in the early years. And my youngest is a dd17- she still lives a good cuddle but is going away to university next year and for her co ops, it's her intention to find positions that are far away- British Columbia, Hong Kong, israel....

behappy2

Fri, Apr 07 2017, 7:32 am

lucky14 wrote:

She cries and wants to be held. When I hold her she gets to see everything in the table, counters etc.. and wants it. She will grab things when I am near the counter (my phone, important papers, dives literally info the sink etc. ) when I am near the table she will grab food, play with the computer. I am learning to never have my cell near her bec she gets really mad when I don't give it to her. She wants to climb on all the beds and when she is on it will throw things off the shelves. When I take her away from something to go to the bathroom (bec I don't trust her to be alone) she cries. When I am done and take her out she cries. I feel like we are in battle all day. I also used to be able to do chores when she is around. Now I can only so chores if I am ready to listen to her crying. I can't eat bec she gets mad that I am not with her/holding her. Another point is that each tantrum lasts about two minutes and than she moves on. I can send her out to a babysitter more often or I can let her tantrum while I get things done. Or a little of both... and why is she having so so many tantrums. Just in the last five minutes she had three Sad

lucky14

Fri, Apr 07 2017, 3:09 pm

OK so my son started to do that a while ago. He wanted me to hold and carry him everywhere. At one point I realized that he hast to learn (especially for his sake- I care more than he actually starts moving around for his health actually then I do about being bothered about carrying him) that he has to move on his own. Soooo.... I stopped carrying him around all the time. I mean of course I still carry him, but no way not all the time. For example: I'd be nursing him (or reading to him on the sofa, or whatever) and when we were done I'd put him down on the floor for him to go to where he wanted to go. I'd get up and go do something and he'd start crying because he wanted me to come pick him up and carry him there. Well, nope. I'd gently tell him that if he wanted to come he could come.
He caught on pretty quick. We still snuggle and cuddle and I carry him, but not always.

As for the phone and computer thing. I'm all in the opinion of no screen time for young kids. My son knows that I don't let him play with my phone. That even if he cries I'm not giving it to him (I will give it to him sometimes to talk to a relative, but not to distract or entertain). Same with my laptop. I'll turn it on to put on music or look something up really quickly, but other then that I don't use it around him really. And he knows that I won't be letting him use it. He used to fuss about that but hardly ever does now.
My husband does not feel as strongly about this. My son is constantly whining to hold and play with my husbands phone and laptop. But... if it's just me around and he sees my husbands phone, guess what... he'll "ask" (motion and whine) for it, but when I say "no, no phones" (in a calm gentle voice), he doesn't start a fit!

I don't think you should give in if you want her whining about stuff.
Move the shelves or dressers away from the bed if possible so she can't get to the stuff to knock down. DO adjust the environment as much as possible so you don't have so many nos. But it's so so important to be strong about the "no" when you do say it. I work with preschoolers and they know that when I say something I mean it, they know that there are other teachers who say "if you don't sit then no shabbos party treat for you" but the teachers wont follow through so they kids don't listen much (btw I'm not a mean teacher, I'm one of the fun ones that gets on the floor to play with them, you can stick to your rules and still be a fun loving person/mother!). FOLLOW through as much as possible on your "rules", but just try not to set up ones that you know you'll prob end up bending on.

You need to be able to go to the bathroom and to leave the bathroom when you're finished btw. It's really sad if she cries about that, but seriously she'll be fine with you taking her in and out.
Give her tons of hugs and cuddles and kisses and talk to her sweetly and she will know you love her.
Play with her whenever you feel like you can. There is no set amount, but I think playing and reading and talking to helps SO much. But also teach her to play on her own some. When you're busy put her down with something new or interesting (seriously at that age many of them find the randomest stuff interesting to explore).
You say you have another child, do they play together?

amother

Cyan

Sat, Apr 08 2017, 4:39 pm

A few things:

This is very age appropriate and it shows that your daughter's intelligence is moving past her speech and motor abilities. Kids around 1 or 2 years old suddenly become aware of what thye want and that they can't get it themselves, and it's quite frustrating! That's where the tantrums come from. Also, separation anxiety kicks in full force at this age, so it's totally normal that she wants to be with you 24/7. Once they are more pysically independent and/or their language skills advance, they are able to meet their needs themselves and this subsides (this takes a quite a while). But in the meantime, welcome to the kids who start the 'terrible twos' at age one.

We had limits for our daughter. People kept saying that there was no need to say 'no' to a 1 year old, or have rules for a 1 year old, but there was. My daughter (now 4) is sharp as a whip and is an expert manipulator of people - she was like this even at a year. Don't get me wrong, she is a great kid, but at a year old, she was running the show. This isn't good for her development or our sanity. I just want to say, she does fantastically with clear, well-defined, consistent rules and limits. Consistency is really the key for kids who's skills are still limited (e.g. a 1 year old). So here were our rules at that age:
1) No playing with things that can hurt her or doing things that can hurt her
2) No playing with things that she can break or ruin, even if the kids is gentle (this includes cell phones etc) - because the kid can go from gentle to throwing in 3 seconds, so all these things are off limits from the get-go
3) No hurting anyone else

That was it. Our policy was, 'say yes unless you have to say no'. And no was something we only said to the above rules. You might think these rules are obvious, or that they are unnecessary, or that they cover very little. But you'd be surprised how many things this actually covered, and we said no more than we expected to. the best part was, it made it clear to me whether something should be off limits or not. The simple test of 'can she break this' was really the bottom line.

And in terms of 'wants' vs 'needs'. Your baby doesn't need to play with a cell phone. On the other hand, she also doesn't need to play with a toy. Or even need to be held 24/7. But that doesn't mean that you should only give her what she needs. Babies should also be given things that they want, as long as it is safe for them and the object. And just with those guidelines, a significant portion of things she comes across during her day will be off limits, and so she had enough limits to learn she can't have everything. But your saying yes to everything else also creates a security that at least she can get some of what she wants.

Also, my policy on how much one-on-one time (be it playing or holding or whatever) - I do as much as I can. I don't do any chores from the time I come from work, until my daughter goes to bed, with the exception of making dinner. I clear that time for her, and do as much as I can with her during that time. and if I have to go to the bathroom for a few minutes, or drain the spaghetti, it's ok if she cries for a few minutes, and it's also ok to give her lots of my full attention the rest of the time. This balance allows her to learn that I pay lots of attention to her, but there are times when she'll have to wait, but I always come right back to her quickly. And I also don't' feel at all bad taking 5 minutes here or there to do something that needs taking care of.

So, as far as being held all the time, or coming to the bathroom with you, it's okay if she cries for a few minutes here and there. Nothing bad will happen if you go to the bathroom and she's sorry to see you go - it's normal. Just keep saying 'I'll be back in 3 minutes', and eventually she will learn the meaning of those words. And if after you come out, she doesn't want to come out of her playpen, leave her. Follow her lead when you can. As far as wanting to be carried all the time, you may want to try a baby carrier if you are so inclined. Otherwise, get some new toys which you keep hidden most of the time, and pop them out on a rotation only when you are busy. If she's becoming more physical, then try buying toys geared for gross motor skills - a doll carriage or shopping cart, a riding toy, even a toy kitchen to stand at and bag pots on. If those are the toys she's bored with, try toys that require more intricate fine motor skills that are age appropriate. She's bored with her baby toys, because she has moved past them - she sounds like she's had a big cognitive leap. And make sure to give her intense one-on-one time with you that does NOT involve being held - getting down on the floor with her (include lots of physical contact, like a touch on the shoulder or stroking her hair) and talk and make tons of eye contact while you play. But sometimes, we are all busy with other things (other kids, making dinner, etc) - during these times, if you can't hold her, talk to her! I used to narrate everything I was doing, turning to make eye contact from time to time. This way, she learns that even if I'm busy, I'm still with her.

My last tip - put on music! My daughter would always stop crying if I put on music she liked (and she was very picky, only 1 or 2 cds would make her happy). So be prepared to hear '5 little ducks' every day for the rest of her toddlerhood, but this made a huge difference! My daughter was so happy to listen to the music and bop around, that it was ok if I was doing something else.

behappy2

Sat, Apr 08 2017, 8:52 pm

amother wrote:

Thank you!