Do you like being with your kids

amother

Scarlet

Fri, Apr 21 2017, 7:06 pm

amother wrote:

OP, the mothers I know who truly do not enjoy spending time with their kids, (assuming those mothers don't have a mental illness or personality disorder) have lots of trouble enforcing boundaries with their kids (at least as it seems to me).

The kids are adorable, vivacious and smart, but the parents don't seem to know how to effectively discipline, and the kids treat them like doormats.

Who WOULD want to be around kids who are rude, ignore house rules and others' feelings?

So OP I'm wondering if discipline is an issue for you.

Another thought. Are you burnt out?

I love spending time with my kids, but when I start to feel an inner resentment (toward my role as mother, not toward individual kids), I know that means I'm starting to feel emotionally depleted. By nature I'm an introvert, and too much noise and socialization, too many kids climbing on me and wanting to be hugged or compete for my attention, can feel draining.

When that happens, I know that I need to focus on what helps me restore myself (maybe ten minutes outside, alone listening to music, or making sure I have a quiet hour in the morning, or switch to a quieter activity with them like reading, etc.). Hth.

You described me very well. However I wouldn't say that I don't know how to discipline. I Have a hard time handling my children's distress if I don't have a way to stop it. So since discipline causes distress I try really hard to avoid it.

Zehava

Fri, Apr 21 2017, 7:24 pm

I like my kids very much. Up until the age of around 2 I'm fine being around them all the time. I soak up those little moments when they're laughing or saying something adorable or learning about the world or being kind to each other. However being an introvert means that after the age of two I need alone time every day for most of the week or I start feeling trapped and losing my temper with them. YT and summer vacation are hard but I try to keep in mind that I will get my alone time when it's over and try to focus on the moment. Because that's really when the best memories are made. But never do I regret having them. They are the sweetest most wonderful gifts life has given me and even when they are driving me bananas I can never lose sight of that.

FranticFrummie

Sat, Apr 22 2017, 7:33 pm

I read something recently that really made me stop and think. The way you treat Hashem, is the way your kids will treat you. Your kids are just your mirror, reflecting your own good and bad middos back at you.

If your kids are acting entitled and ungrateful, ask yourself "When was the last time I remembered to say 'please and thank you' to Hashem?" If we make a toddler learn this, how can we forget to be grateful for something as simple as a cookie? You are breathing! When was the last time you were grateful for that? Unless you've recently had an asthma attack, I bet you haven't given it much thought lately.

Are you feeling resentful of halachot, or a little rebellious against Judaism? Your kids are going to refuse to do their homework, forget their parsha sheets, and not stay at the table during kiddush.

One of the reasons that Hashem chose these particular neshamot to come down to you, is to help you work on yourself, elevate yourself, and bring yourself closer to Hashem. Then, by setting a good example, you elevate your children as well.

So if you don't like what you see in the mirror, don't try to adjust the reflection - fix yourself!

~courtesy of Rabbi Lazar Brody, Breslov parenting classes online.

amazingmommy

Sat, Apr 22 2017, 8:56 pm

I love my son, and I like him to peices. I enjoy spending time with him, I'm so grateful I had him. I definitely miss him when I'm not with him, and am happy to see him when he comes home.

However, and don't think it's a contradiction, I do still want/need my space many times, and I do make sure to give that to myself.

amother

Oak

Sat, Apr 22 2017, 9:22 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Not judgy, just honest. And I truly believe that if you don't enjoy your children, get help. That's no way to live. Unfair to you, and way more unfair to them.

What if your kids have special needs and their Behaviour, lack of hygiene, and other difficult habits made them difficult to enjoy?
It's ok for a parent to admit " right now, though I love my child to pieces, it is really difficult to enjoy his presence at times. With time and proper help that will change"

It's just called being honest.

amother

Scarlet

Sat, Apr 22 2017, 9:28 pm

dancingqueen wrote:

Op I never hate my kids or feel as upset as you describe. What does your therapist say? Are you working through this with her?

One thing that really helped me with my crying baby was telling myself that she is just a baby and she is allowed to cry. So that I didn't get really upset at her.

Other things would be taking space and setting limits.

Probably a lot of other things we did that I am unaware exactly bec I see a major change in myself this year in my ability to enjoy them and not get so upset.

Don't worry we discuss my kids about half of all sessions Smile

and that is not the main reason I am in therapy!

mommy3b2c

Sat, Apr 22 2017, 9:31 pm

amother wrote:

I'm not talking about children with special needs or other serious difficulties. Op didn't ask about special needs children. She asked if it's normal to dislike your children. I told her that no, it's not normal. Obviously, there are exceptions to every rule.

The way I understood the op, she was asking if most people like their children as "people", as opposed to just loving them because they have to love their children. My answer is based on the way I understood the op. If I was wrong, she is welcome to clarify.

amother

Scarlet

Sat, Apr 22 2017, 9:34 pm

amother wrote:

Exactly. You said I love my kid to pieces. For me when I am getting frustrated I actually forget that I really love them. Today I did not notice I was saying out loud that I hate my baby (she was being really difficult). And my son asked me if I used to say it about him when he was a baby Sad

of course I lied and told him no. But he doesn't think I hate him now so maybe that is a positive amidst the negative. Please don't tell me off on this. I know how aweful it is Sad

amother

Oak

Sat, Apr 22 2017, 9:36 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Maybe the op needs to ask herself if there is something deeper going on with her kids. Are they acting out? Is there something underlying that needs to be taken care of and that is preventing her from enjoying her kids?

Op says she is in therapy. Maybe it's her own unhappiness/ disconnection/ past trauma from herself that is causing her to avoid enjoying her kids.

If a mother is in a relatively healthy place, her kids are functional and well adjusted then something would be wrong or off if she was constantly avoiding them. Otherwise this would all just be a symptom of a bigger picture.

amother

Scarlet

Sat, Apr 22 2017, 9:42 pm

amother wrote:

That is exactly what mommy3b2c said. That it is a problem that needs to be adressed. For some reason I am the only one did not see it as offensive. I know it is a problem. I am addressing it. I was not offended. I don't know why you found it upsetting. I am very accepting that this is my reality. It bothers me very much bec I truly do wish the best for them. I had a very unhappy childhood and it is my ultimate goal to be able to give them everything I never had emotionally. And just before anyone says anything, I don't plan on having more kids anytime in the near future Smile

mommy3b2c

Sat, Apr 22 2017, 9:43 pm

amother wrote:

Exactly. So we're in complete agreement. I said that if someone doesn't like their kids, they should get help.

amother

Oak

Sat, Apr 22 2017, 9:44 pm

amother wrote:

of course I lied and told him no. But he doesn't think I hate him now so maybe that is a positive amidst the negative. Please don't tell me off on this. I know how aweful it is Sad

I'm just like you, scarlet. I've got two kids with issues, plus another two kids, plus a host of other stuff going on in my life right now.

I struggle from complex ptsd.

I don't always enjoy my kids. No, lemme rephrase. I usually don't enjoy being with my kids. They are needy, difficult, and I'm overwhelmed, exhausted and always need space. I'm working on it but it's difficult.

I've discovered that the times when I accept myself with all my shortcomings, accept my situation, and just go with the flow without trying to fight it and fix it so much...those are the times when I get really quiet inside of me. That's when I look at my kids and see them for the miracle that they are. That's when I enjoy them. But it takes a lot of work.

Hugs.
Only you know your own circumstances and struggles. Give yourself credit for wanting to change things.

amother

Scarlet

Sat, Apr 22 2017, 9:46 pm

amother wrote:

Thank you!

mommy3b2c

Sat, Apr 22 2017, 9:47 pm

amother wrote:

You sound like a wonderful person. I feel really guilty that I responded so sharply to you. I am always in a rush, which is why I often respond in a very abrupt and direct manner. Hashem should help you with everything you need. May you build a wonderful, strong relationship with your children.

amother

Scarlet

Sat, Apr 22 2017, 9:53 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Thank you! I appreciate that you took the time to respond to my post. It wasn't hurtful to me. I only posted bec I am in a place where I can hear the truth without getting ruffled. I was actually looking for it.Other ppl who happened to read it and were not especially interested in finding out just how bad others think this kind of situation is got hurt. If that makes sense. ..

amother

Brunette

Sat, Apr 22 2017, 10:02 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Exactly. So we're in complete agreement. I said that if someone doesn't like their kids, they should get help.

But that obviously isn't what the op is asking. Sure we all "like" our kids. I'm sure 99.9% of parents, if asked "do you regret Leah was born", would answer Of course not! The op asked if you really enjoy being with your kids? I take that to mean for example, going on family vacations, where your are spending all day together, are those days truly enjoyable or are they stressful? We just got back from Florida, and while I love me kids, I would acknowledge that being home all day for many days in a row was often stressful. I was constantly breaking up fights, often during trips they would argue about who sits next to who in the car, and a bunch of other similar type fights. I think in general if someone's kids are well behaves. it's easier to enjoy spending lots of family time together. Since most kids are.....kids, having the whole family together for extended amounts of time is often more stressful the enjoyable.