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Do you like being with your kids
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Apr 22 2017, 10:03 pm
Babies can be really hard, especially when they are really little, and don't even smile at you yet.

DD was 2 days old when I brought her home from the hospital. She went into full blown colic that lasted for 4 months. Surprised Because she was adopted, my body was not full of oxytocin hormones that made me bond with her instantly, and it was SO hard!

She screamed her head off from 7:15pm to 4:45am, every. single. night. I couldn't sit down with her, I couldn't stand still with her, I had to hold her and pace with her all night long, otherwise she's scream so hard she'd make herself sick. I seriously thought the neighbors were going to call CPS on me. I wouldn't blame them if they did!

I kept telling myself "I love this baby. I prayed for this baby. If the baby went away I would be SAD." over and over and over again. For 4 months straight. Finally, we got her on lactose free formula (expensive!), and she started sleeping at night again.

To this day I tell myself "If I can live through colic, I can live through anything else she can throw at me." So far, that's been true. It definitely puts things in perspective.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Apr 22 2017, 10:05 pm
amother wrote:
But that obviously isn't what the op is asking. Sure we all "like" our kids. I'm sure 99.9% of parents, if asked "do you regret Leah was born", would answer Of course not! The op asked if you really enjoy being with your kids? I take that to mean for example, going on family vacations, where your are spending all day together, are those days truly enjoyable or are they stressful? We just got back from Florida, and while I love me kids, I would acknowledge that being home all day for many days in a row was often stressful. I was constantly breaking up fights, often during trips they would argue about who sits next to who in the car, and a bunch of other similar type fights. I think in general if someone's kids are well behaves. it's easier to enjoy spending lots of family time together. Since most kids are.....kids, having the whole family together for extended amounts of time is often more stressful the enjoyable.


Actually, it was what op was asking....
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zelda




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Apr 22 2017, 10:20 pm
I actually struggle with this too. Maybe to a lesser degree. I enjoy being around my baby and little kids and can't stop obsessing about how cute they are but as my kids get older I find them kind of annoying. I care for them and would do anything for them but I don't really enjoy spending time with them. They get on my nerves. But I fight this feeling and try to talk and spend as much quality time as I can with them.
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Sat, Apr 22 2017, 10:58 pm
mommy3b2c wrote:
Actually, it was what op was asking....


Yes!
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Coffee Addict




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Apr 22 2017, 11:30 pm
This thread is interesting. I definitely love my kids to death. I also enjoy spending time with them. However, not 24/7! I need my down time as water when thirsty. I'm getting drained by the constant fighting and whining that regular kids do. Over YT I loved the pjs till noon, the laziness, the laughter with them. These times make awesome memories! Not to say I didn't get stressed at times. I definitely did.

Babies and toddlers are my crush! I can be with them 24/7 and kiss them non stop! They are my life. As the kids get older things get harder. I need much more space from my teen than the younger ones. I love them equally though.

Special needs kids is a total different story. I love that kid just like the others but I need a abundance of koach to that child, and I'm drained from that child almost all the time. There are times when I ask myself do I hate this child or do I hate his behavior. It makes me sad. πŸ™ I know I really love him.

Another thing. Does it makes sense to LOVE AND ADORE a well behaved child? Always ready to help. Never lazy. Funny as can be. After all I'm human. Why shouldn't I automatically love him if he's easier than the rest of the kids? At the end of the day, I love them all equally. I try to think of each individual's strengths and positive traits. I'm trying to pick out the good and amazing parts from each individual kid. It really helps. And all kids are truly amazing!

I grew up in a very hard home. I don't want to write about my childhood under my screen name. My parents tried to give us love and all the best. We couldn't feel it always in this craziness.

I hope my ranting makes sense here!😝😝😝
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amyisraelchai




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 23 2017, 12:36 am
OP, I think many of us with little kids have days where we think, "I love my children deeply, but today I am just not enjoying being with them and can't wait for bedtime!" bc of whining, bickering, diapers, crying, tantrums, etc.
And tomorrow is a new day.
Nothing to feel bad about. Mothering is hard.
You can do it!!
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eschaya




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 23 2017, 12:43 am
It seems that some are responding to the title "do you like being with your kids" while others are responding to the OP
"1. So we all love our kids and would move worlds for them but do you like them? Do you like spending time with them? Are you happy to see them when they come home from school (and I don't mean that you are good at pretending). Are you happy you had them? Do you laugh with them a lot? "
which is a different question entirely.

I can wholeheartedly answer #1 with a YES. I love my kids, I like my kids, I'm happy to see them when they come home from school, I'm so glad I had them, and I try to laugh with them when the situation allows.
And yet if I were responding to the title alone, my answer would be very different. I love being with my kids for manageable periods of time. I love being with my kids when we are in a relaxed setting (ie vacation). But I definitely find it hard to be with them for prolonged periods of time, especially when there are external stressors on all of us (homework, baths, dinner, time-constraints, work) and when they (and I!!) are overtired and kvetchy. And sometimes, I just need to be alone. Look, I love dh, and yet really enjoy having occasional evenings to myself when I can read and exercise in peace. I don't think that implies there is anything wrong with my marriage. And similarly I don't think there is anything wrong with my parenting. And as in marriage, occasional absence makes the heart grow fonder. I'm so happy to see the kids go off to school in the morning, and then having time to myself, can look forward to seeing them home a few hours later.
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Sun, Apr 23 2017, 1:39 am
zelda wrote:
I actually struggle with this too. Maybe to a lesser degree. I enjoy being around my baby and little kids and can't stop obsessing about how cute they are but as my kids get older I find them kind of annoying. I care for them and would do anything for them but I don't really enjoy spending time with them. They get on my nerves. But I fight this feeling and try to talk and spend as much quality time as I can with them.


Me too - but I never wish they'd never been born. I DO wish I was more tolerant and patient.
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Sun, Apr 23 2017, 4:42 am
eschaya wrote:
It seems that some are responding to the title "do you like being with your kids" while others are responding to the OP
"1. So we all love our kids and would move worlds for them but do you like them? Do you like spending time with them? Are you happy to see them when they come home from school (and I don't mean that you are good at pretending). Are you happy you had them? Do you laugh with them a lot? "
which is a different question entirely.

I can wholeheartedly answer #1 with a YES. I love my kids, I like my kids, I'm happy to see them when they come home from school, I'm so glad I had them, and I try to laugh with them when the situation allows.
And yet if I were responding to the title alone, my answer would be very different. I love being with my kids for manageable periods of time. I love being with my kids when we are in a relaxed setting (ie vacation). But I definitely find it hard to be with them for prolonged periods of time, especially when there are external stressors on all of us (homework, baths, dinner, time-constraints, work) and when they (and I!!) are overtired and kvetchy. And sometimes, I just need to be alone. Look, I love dh, and yet really enjoy having occasional evenings to myself when I can read and exercise in peace. I don't think that implies there is anything wrong with my marriage. And similarly I don't think there is anything wrong with my parenting. And as in marriage, occasional absence makes the heart grow fonder. I'm so happy to see the kids go off to school in the morning, and then having time to myself, can look forward to seeing them home a few hours later.


The interesting thing is that I used to NOT take space bec I understood it to mean that I didn't like the person. The more I accept my need for space and accept the fact that sometimes I don't like them the more I actually like them.
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 23 2017, 6:38 am
I like my kids, I'm happy I had them, sometimes I'm happy to see them come home and other times it's frustrating because I have work projects to finish and it's hard juggling everything at once.

I enjoy spending time with them - mostly. Look, babies are adorable, but they aren't always very interesting, yeah? I love talking to my older kids, teaching them things, talking about ideas... Reading "goodnight moon" for the billionth time, less so. Cajoling kids with learning issues into finishing their homework, less so. That said, I don't *hate* spending time with them, it's just sometimes boring or overwhelming (if multiple kids are screaming or crying).

Needing space is very normal.

I think an extreme reaction of hate or rage at kids' bad behavior is not healthy.

OP one thing that can happen is that bad parents don't teach their kids good parenting. What do I mean... Like, if your parents were abusive or neglectful or highly critical, etc, probably part of that is that they didn't have realistic expectations re: children's behavior. And they probably didn't model healthy ways of dealing with stress or healthy forms of confrontation or discipline.

So therapy is great, but I'm going to recommend parenting books and parenting classes as well. Because working through your feelings is crucial but sometimes what's missing is the practical aspects. What is it reasonable to expect a 5-year-old to do in terms of good behavior, what are some healthy forms of discipline, why is constantly saying "no" a normal and healthy part of toddler development, how can you model good coping skills for your children, etc. Like you said, figuring out what healthy/normal looks like.

Also I find that the best way to work on liking kids is to spend time with them doing something fun and relaxed. Another good way to work on liking people in general is to list some positive things about them. Eg every evening for a month think of three moments you enjoyed with a certain child that day, or three nice things they did... etc. (Doing this trains your mind to notice the positive more.)
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Sun, Apr 23 2017, 2:29 pm
I love my kids and love spending time with them ...
But
When I'm postpartum or sick or exhausted, I just feel like running away. I think there are difficult times and amazing times, like for everything and every relationship (even mariage sometimes). Hugs op and I hope it gets easier for you!
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amother
Rose


 

Post Sun, Apr 23 2017, 4:11 pm
amother wrote:
1. So we all love our kids and would move worlds for them but do you like them? Do you like spending time with them? Are you happy to see them when they come home from school (and I don't mean that you are good at pretending). Are you happy you had them? Do you laugh with them a lot?

2. Were your parents present and available for you. Did you grow up in a safe and functional home?


I love my kids!! Each one of them is a separate blessing and gift from Hashem. I tell it to them often because I really mean it. Even just typing these words activate a sense of warmth within. When they are home I get to enjoy them and when they are not I enjoy them by thinking of them and preparing for them. I am a very busy person and have lots of things that I do and love. However, nothing compares to the depth of pleasure that I derive from spending time with my family and kids.

I am not going to say that I don't have times when I am exhausted or just plain tired. I also have times when they are challenging. But that does not make me love them less. Life has its challenges, especially now that some of them are teenagers. Yet, my love for them is deeper than the challenges and I want the best for them.

My parents were available and I had a privileged childhood. However, there was childhood trauma and emotional neglect. I had to work through that to be able to love my kids since I was unable to. I am blessed and grateful that I had the right shliuch and was able to. I am not saying it's easy, but it is possible to get to this point even if you did not have a safe and functional home. It is worth the effort!!
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Sun, Apr 23 2017, 4:16 pm
amother wrote:


My parents were available and I had a privileged childhood. However, there was childhood trauma and emotional neglect. I had to work through that to be able to love my kids since I was unable to. I am blessed and grateful that I had the right shliuch and was able to. I am not saying it's easy, but it is possible to get to this point even if you did not have a safe and functional home. It is worth the effort!!


Thank you! That was encouraging.
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Sun, Apr 23 2017, 4:44 pm
ora_43 wrote:


So therapy is great, but I'm going to recommend parenting books and parenting classes as well. Because working through your feelings is crucial but sometimes what's missing is the practical aspects. What is it reasonable to expect a 5-year-old to do in terms of good behavior, what are some healthy forms of discipline, why is constantly saying "no" a normal and healthy part of toddler development, how can you model good coping skills for your children, etc. Like you said, figuring out what healthy/normal looks like.



I very much agree with you. I did one year of parent coaching. I also took Dina Friedman course and have read quite a few parenting books. Do you have something specific you recommend. Would love to hear. I am always looking for more info especially in understanding the inner life of the child at different stages and what their needs are.
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amother
Ecru


 

Post Sun, Apr 23 2017, 5:38 pm
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk.

I can't overestimate the influence this book has had on me and my parenting. It's also very easy to read, and easy to stop and pick up later.

Just want to ad, OP you sound like a really great parent because you're self-aware and really working hard to give your kids the best mother. You should have lots of nachas and amazing relationships with them as they grow Smile
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Sun, Apr 23 2017, 5:51 pm
amother wrote:
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk.

I can't overestimate the influence this book has had on me and my parenting. It's also very easy to read, and easy to stop and pick up later.

Just want to ad, OP you sound like a really great parent because you're self-aware and really working hard to give your kids the best mother. You should have lots of nachas and amazing relationships with them as they grow Smile


I have read it many times. These Kinds of books I have read very many of. What I am interested now is more theory and psychology of child development. Also Amy books that encourage or support connection. Most books that I have read are in discipline.
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amother
Cerulean


 

Post Sun, Apr 23 2017, 6:58 pm
I love http://www.ahaparenting.com/
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amazingmommy




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 23 2017, 7:23 pm
amother wrote:
I have read it many times. These Kinds of books I have read very many of. What I am interested now is more theory and psychology of child development. Also Amy books that encourage or support connection. Most books that I have read are in discipline.

Attachment parenting is a great book about connection. It is geared more towards babies, but you might gain from it.
5 love languages is also all about loving ones children.

You sound like an amazing, conscientious mother as others have already said.
Good luck!
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amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Mon, Apr 24 2017, 3:15 pm
I love and like all my children, but for a while at the beg of this year I was having such a hard time with one of my children who can be really difficult and explosive. I was so frustrated and was horrified to realize that I felt like I just didn't like her. I don't have a good relationship with my parents (lot of emotional neglect) and felt my mother had no sense of affection for me at all. So it was jarring to realize that I might be recreating that.

And then I told myself that love is a verb just like the word jump, and I will actively seek ways to love. To my utter surprise it worked so much better than I could have ever imagined. I purposely find ways to increase my love for her. A more elaborate bedtime routine even tho I'm really tired. Focusing on her zany sense of humor, how she is quick to apologize, the way her chin is so pointy and I thinks its just adorable... And sometimes even when she explodes after she loses a game with me or whines like crazy, I tell myself yes its annoying but you can still love her. Love is a verb, you can do it. And then I began to notice that I look at her and speak to her with much more love. and its helped my feelings tremendously and its subtly helped her behavior too.
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Mon, Apr 24 2017, 3:37 pm
amother wrote:
I love and like all my children, but for a while at the beg of this year I was having such a hard time with one of my children who can be really difficult and explosive. I was so frustrated and was horrified to realize that I felt like I just didn't like her. I don't have a good relationship with my parents (lot of emotional neglect) and felt my mother had no sense of affection for me at all. So it was jarring to realize that I might be recreating that.

And then I told myself that love is a verb just like the word jump, and I will actively seek ways to love. To my utter surprise it worked so much better than I could have ever imagined. I purposely find ways to increase my love for her. A more elaborate bedtime routine even tho I'm really tired. Focusing on her zany sense of humor, how she is quick to apologize, the way her chin is so pointy and I thinks its just adorable... And sometimes even when she explodes after she loses a game with me or whines like crazy, I tell myself yes its annoying but you can still love her. Love is a verb, you can do it. And then I began to notice that I look at her and speak to her with much more love. and its helped my feelings tremendously and its subtly helped her behavior too.


Wow! That is so beautiful! Thank you for sharing that.
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