Gift giving etiquette question...

amother

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Tue, Apr 25 2017, 12:06 pm

A close friend gave us a gift for DS bar mitzvah. It wasn't a bad gift and we weren't unappreciative at all but it was well under what we would normally give for a close friend's child bar mitzvah gift.

Now we have to reciprocate and give their son a BM gift- do we do the exact same thing they did for us or do we give our normal close friend gift that we've give to other close friends (some in the same social circles). Please note this is not a money issue I just think they might be a little clueless as to what the standard gift giving practices are in our community and I hold nothing whatsoever against them, I just want to do the right thing and not make anyone feel uncomfortable...

33055

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 12:38 pm

amother wrote:

Perhaps you aren't aware but they may be having financial issues. What is the standard gift? And what did they give you?

Personally, I would give the normal gift to the boy which is around $100 in my close friends circle. If someone had given an excellent gift then I feel it is right to go over board.

zaq

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 12:42 pm

Gift giving is not a commercial exchange or bartering system. You give what you feel you can and want to. Don't penalize a child because his parents lacked the means or the savoir faire to give as costly a gift as you would have given. Don't embarrass a child by giving him less than you give other children in the same social circle. Wouldn't you feel slighted if you knew that the X family gave your ds a gift that was worth only half of what they gave all the other boys you know?

OTOH...if your means are lavish and theirs are tight, giving too ostentatious a gift might embarrass them. Look for the golden mean here.

amother

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Tue, Apr 25 2017, 1:54 pm

The standard is $100. They gave $50. As I said it is certainly not a money issue I just think they are new at this (have not made their own BM yet) and either didn't ask before or asked the wrong people.

I don't look at it as penalizing the son- I doubt he'll care or know the difference. I don't either discuss amongst my friends what so and so gave and I would hope they wouldn't either.

It's more that I don't want to embarrass the parents by giving more than they thought was appropriate to give us. I would be mortified if we gave a friend's child a certain amount and they gave back my son double.