Do you wait for thank you cards?

amother

Beige

Mon, Apr 24 2017, 11:59 pm

tigerwife wrote:

Spinning off another thread:

Do you wait for a thank you card when you give a wedding, baby, bar mitzvah, etc. gift? How much does it bother you if you never receive a thank you card and at what point does that lack of card bother you? If the recipient thanks you in person or over the phone, does it count?

Personally, I don't think I'd realize if I'd never gotten a thank you card. But generally the gifts I've given have been acknowledged not necessarily by mail.

ok I'm the op of that one and this thread is just making me feel worse lol
where is the hanging head in shame emoji

WhatFor

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 1:26 am

I don't care about an actual card, but if I gave a gift, I'd like some acknowledgment that it was received. I don't care if it was a text, private message, or a card.

If I receive no acknowledgment, it makes me wonder if the gift was received (esp if I gave it to a "honeyfund" or some registry) and if the recipient is aware that I gave them a gift. Otherwise I start to get nervous that the recipient isn't aware that I gave them a gift, and wonder if they think I'm the rude one for not gifting when I already did.

Raisin

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 4:38 am

I feel handwritten cards are contrived and don't actually feel the person is genuinely grateful, just that they need to do this. I would be happier to receive a thank you text, email or phonecall in this day and age. Its not 1850, or even 1950! No one begins their day by sending out a pile of handwritten letters and notes. Nope, you went out and bought stamps, first finding out WHERE you even buy these, and wrote a stack of cards according to a formula. When someone sends a text, it feels more natural.

I'd rather not receive a card at all then the photocopied thank you from a bar mitzbva boy I once saw.

Iymnok

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 5:42 am

I suffered through writing my bad mitzvah cards. They were so fake. I don't even like receiving them from kids who may have been forced to do five a night like I was.
I love a phone call or a verbal thank you when we pass in the street a week later. Those are genuine.
I appreciated the short email from my brother that he received the gift I sent for his new baby. I wanted to know that he got it and that his wife liked it.
Most gifts I forget about afterwards. I'm not so attached to it that I MUST be formally thanked.

33055

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 6:05 am

amother wrote:

Ummm I had a super short engagement , and no I did not get gifts beforehand , so I can't write cards before the wedding.
The issues began the day after Sheva brachos ended actually.
It's not a cop out, it's valid.
The week of Sheva brachos was a blur of exhaustion (my wedding ended at 3 am) , and I was sick for most of the week, but still had to dress up & act all happy and nice.

Honestly, the people that give you gifts often have difficulties in their lives. Why do you think you are unique? My life is so scheduled that often getting a present, wrapping, and getting the present there means less sleep or something else I can't attend to. What about the thought put into the gift? I don't have spare hours of leisure.

Everyone has busy lives. You're entitled not to give a thank you, and I am entitled not to give you another present and to respect you less.

saw50st8

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 7:13 am

Squishy wrote:

I dont wait for the card, but after a long time I may notice I never received them. I generally dont give a second gift of the first wasn't acknowledged by mail.

If I can go shopping, wrap, and deliver a gift, then the receipient can write a thank you card. Obviously, if I give presents because of some need then no thanks are necessary.

You sound like my sister. That's not a gift, it's an obligation exchange. (I have since told her to stop giving me presents if she's expecting a thank you card because I have too many obligations at this point in my life and I don't need another one)

I don't send thank you cards because I think they are a waste of time, money, effort etc. I send texts, emails, thank the person in person etc. Sometimes I miss someone. Eh.

I never expect them and tell people not to send them.

amother

Seashell

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 9:11 am

amother wrote:

Maybe, but all this didn't happen during the week of Sheva bruchus did it? You weren't pregnant before the wedding were you? You could have written your notes that week and the next. I assume you got some gifts before the wedding. You could have done what another poster did and start writing notes before the wedding for gifts you got then. If thanking gift givers had been a priority for you you could have had them all done long before all the difficulties of shana rishona came crashing down on your head.

It's called priorities.

Often newlyweds are prioritizing time spent with each other, getting the hang of basics like opening a bank account, setting up phone service, getting a marriage license and new social security card, applying for health insurance as a family, making supper, laundry, working, visiting parents and in-laws. I went to the mikva four times within six weeks with all the nerves of a first-timer, so it basically took over my head space. I was constantly busy with bedikos. Before marriage I used to go to sleep at 10 pm, but with a new husband, I needed to spend time with him. Going to sleep late (especially on those "special nights") put me in a fog the whole next day. I didn't know how any married person functions during the day while having a "secret life" at night.

So no, not everyone has time to write thank you cards.

I was sooooooooooo overwhelmed as a newlywed with doing everything. I was not used to juggling so much. And I didn't know that I only had six weeks in which to get it all done because then I got pregnant six weeks after my wedding, and the tzaros began right away....

I manage today, with 4 children under the age of 8, much better than I did as a newlywed. And I don't think I'm unusual. Many of my friends, sisters, sisters-in-law say the same. Getting married is a huge adjustment not only in terms of the marital relationship and getting used to a husband, but in terms of running your life.

I don't blame or judge newlyweds nor do I wait for thank you cards.

I DO like to get some kind of acknowledgment that they received the gift whether verbally or by mail.

amother

Honeydew

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 6:15 pm

I don't usually notice, but the one time I did was for a relative who got married who I'd had a major falling out with a couple years before her wedding. in the end, I didn't go to the wedding (long story - I wasn't even in the city at the time, no big deal) and I went back and forth about should I even get her a present. in the end, I got her a small gift card and wrote her a very nice card, a bit aloof but very kind with good wishes for her and her new husband etc. no response whatsoever. I noticed and wished I hadn't bothered.

watergirl

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 8:32 pm

I hate writing the cards but I write them. I also dont love getting them - its forced. We all know that. Still, its important to thank someone. Thank them in some way. If you cant even text or fb me a thanks, its really rude. One family in particular stands out for me. I gifted them long distance for their first child. Then when they had another and lived in the same city as me, I brought over a meal and a gift and The instructions on the meal train was not to ring the bell, just to leave the meal by a certain time at the door. So I left a meal and gift and didnt knock, so she had no chance to give a verbal thank you. I never heard a word from anyone. Not happening again.

flowerpower

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 10:05 pm

I am very pro sending thank you cards so I always send them out right awAy. But in this day and age.... I rarely get any. I gave a lot of baby gifts over the years and got like 3 thank you cards in total. I don't wait for the card. Just text or thank in person when you bump into me. I can't tell you how many times I didn't get a thank you at all. I don't need
It but be a mentch a make a tiny effort. It doesn't have to be today or tomorrow.... When it comes to
Bigger gifts like weddings and bar mitzvahs, thank you cards should definitaly be sent out. We ordered thank you cards the same time we ordered invitations( bar mitzah).

amother

Turquoise

Tue, Apr 25 2017, 10:29 pm

wrote:

I feel handwritten cards are contrived and don't actually feel the person is genuinely grateful, just that they need to do this. .

You just haven't had the good fortune to get a handwritten card from someone who's good at it. It's a dying art and for this I blame parents. However, I've gotten some beauts that I keep in a drawer and reread from time to time because they did it right. They didn't dash off thankyouforthegiftitwasverynicetoseeyouatthechasuna when we weren't at the chasuna. They put thought and effort and genuineness into each one.They bothered to check if we were really at the simcha and expressed disappointment if we weren't. They mentioned the gift and what they did or planned to do with it. They expressed appreciation for the time and effort we put into selecting the gift and/or attending the simcha. They may have put in regards to our children and an open invitation to come for Shabbos.

Yeah, it takes time, thought and energy. People appreciate that.