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Sister not coming to DD's Bat Mitzvah
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agreer




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 26 2017, 4:17 pm
Whoa, your sister sounds like a real piece of work . She can dictate when you come, be it her wedding or her baby, but can't reciprocate?

NOT OKAY.
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amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Wed, Apr 26 2017, 6:40 pm
Come on! She is having a baby Baruch Hashem! Its not a wedding.
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studying_torah




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 26 2017, 6:48 pm
I think that you're getting so upset because this is part of a perceived pattern, and you feel 'if I can accommodate my sister, why can't she accommodate me."
This kind of thinking really isn't fair nor logical. She cant, or won't because she's a different person, with different abilities, priorities and desires. There's nothing wrong with that.
Just because you would or did do something, doesn't obligate her to do the same.
That's aside from the very valid point that she might be having or anticipating some difficulties, God forbid.
Or maybe she's just planning for post partum, & won't want to be alone.
It's her right not to send her husband , she's not obligated to just bec it was done in the past.
The past history might upset you, but it has no real bearing on the present, when she genuinely has a good reason to miss this simcha.
You can try to go for thanksgiving, or you can decide to stay home.
Do what's good for you, not in a nasty way.
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amother
Sapphire


 

Post Wed, Apr 26 2017, 8:18 pm
All this upsetness that a sibling isn't attending is ringing a bell with me. I am a family of five siblings and I made 2 simcha and won't be having more kids so thesimchas are not gonna be of that nature anymore. One of my siblings is acting ridiculous too. I have come to so many of her simchas and the only 2 sim has she had good excuses. So I get you op. But I moved on and I don't hold a grudge. I just won't make a big effort for her and frankly she is a piece of work too. It doesn't bother me so much. She isn't missed too much.

So if you like your sister and have a good relationship with her then see how you can work on this in a nice way. Asking her if her dh is able to come. And that it would mean a lot. But if you don't have a good relationship why put in effort into something like that?

I understand that she is your sister. But sisters need to also be able to get along. If they don't then what is good use putting in effort if you don't like each other?
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lucky14




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 26 2017, 8:30 pm
amother wrote:



So once my sister said that she's not coming to the bat mitzvah, she said that we all have to come Thanksgiving to see her new baby. So that means that I will be flying across the country in October, iyh, when the new baby is born, then again in November with DH and all the kids.
.


I think her reason for not coming is valid. She also may want to have her husband around since her baby will still be so young she may not want to be left home alone? Or maybe in general she wouldn't want to be left home while everyone goes.
but you have to stand up for yourself too. You already said you aren't coming to thanksgiving (see, you also aren't going to a family event because of a valid reason). You don't have to go just because she says you have to come. Seriously. Stand up for yourself too.
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SYA




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 26 2017, 8:47 pm
As many others have said, your sister may have a valid reason. That doesn't mean you should be "stepped on" and pushed to go to her for TG. You also have a valid reason not to fly two weeks before you make a simcha.

Stand up for yourself and enjoy a peaceful TG at home while you prepare for your simcha. You are going in October when she has the baby. No need to go a month later again.
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Wed, Apr 26 2017, 8:55 pm
With all due respect to pregnant women the world over, there is a tendency to occasionally succumb to illogical or flawed thinking at times. Perhaps she'll rethink her decision closer to then...
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amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Wed, Apr 26 2017, 9:43 pm
I understand that you are hurt,but think of this from her and her dh's point of view. She doesn't want to take a chance traveling with a small baby and maybe her dh can't manage the two year old alone or maybe her dh is like my dh and would not feel comfortable going without his wife.

Basically this is not about you. It is about the fact that she is putting her family first which is what we must do when we get married.

You said you had to schlep to her wedding well, that's what you did, but she's obviously not capable of doing it. But, ultimately you must take a step back and realize that she's a mom and spouse first and a sister second.
(I wish my sister was married with Kds and not an older single.)

And just as she is putting her family first, you have a right to say that you are putting your family first and BC of the bat mitzvah you can't travel there.

I can relate to this argument because I am the one who doesn't go to sibilings" simchas if I have my baby or.....
But at the time time, I understand if those siblings can't come to my simchos.

I wish siblings would not put pressure on each other to attend because the sibilings should be understanding of one another and should not judge. They should realize that the sibiling is an adult and is capable of making her own decisions and has a good reason for not attending (even if they don't tell you the reason).

It is a simcha--be happy dont focus on the fact that she wont be there because it will make it less of a "simcha" because you'll be upset she's not there. Instead accept your sisters decision and be happy its for a happy reason"" that she can't come

You should also tell you dd that her aunt would love to come but will have a small baby.......if your daughter sees you accept the decision, shell learn to accept it too and you don't want to paint your sister bad in her eyes.

You say you have a good relationship with your sister, but its clear that you have some built up resentment toward your sister, regarding past decisions in which she was accommodated and not you. This is not just about her not coming to the bat mitzva!!

I hope you will accept your sisters decision and not let it take away from your simcha regarding this joyous occasion.
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mamaleh




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 26 2017, 11:34 pm
I know most people are discussing the "rightness" or "wrongness" of your sister's decision (and ftr I agree that you should not go for thanksgiving) but I want to offer some practical ideas of how to make this easier for your DD to handle:

-Ask your sis (discuss it now so she has time to do it) to write a letter or make a video for your DD, either for her to read/view privately on her special day or to be read/played publicly. Or she could do a small scrapbook of her memories of DD.
-Get a nice pic of your sis and her family (maybe even with the new baby) and blow it up to life size and put it at the simcha (either on display or if there will be dancing I've seen it brought out for dancing)
-Let her buy (or make) a piece of jewelry or a hair accessory for DD (maybe even something that really goes nicely with her new dress) so that DD has her aunt 'with her' during the simcha

I would do these as a surprise for DD and in the meantime discuss that part of becoming an adult is understanding that things don't alwAys work out the way we want them to. Explain your sister's reasoning (in a way that shows you believe it's a good reason-even if you don't). Tell her it's ok to be disappointed but it's not ok to be miserable or angry.

Mazal Tov!!
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Wed, Apr 26 2017, 11:53 pm
I haven't read every word, but the point is - she is not coming. Forget about t he right or wrong of that statement and say to yourself - by Hashem's decree, she is nor coming. Sit with that for a while. Imagine that it is completely out of her control. So- how are you going to respond? Acceptance or anger? Resilience or resentment? You chose.

Last edited by amother on Wed, Apr 26 2017, 11:54 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Wed, Apr 26 2017, 11:53 pm
I haven't read every word, but the point is - she is not coming. Forget about t he right or wrong of that statement and say to yourself - by Hashem's decree, she is nor coming. Sit with that for a while. Imagine that it is completely out of her control. So- how are you going to respond? Acceptance or anger? Resilience or resentment? You chose.
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toastedbagel




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 27 2017, 2:29 am
amother wrote:
I am really sorry and understand how you feel, and the disappointment. My in-laws just told us last Friday morning that they had planned a cruise which overlaps with the weekend of my son's Bar Mitzvah. Apparently, it was booked a year in advance. The Bar Mitzvah is in 6 months They aren't frum and didn't realize that it would be the week of his birthday, although we told them the date ages ago. (Why they didn't mark it down, I have no idea!) My bil and sil are paying to take them on the cruise, so not only would my in-laws miss the Bar Mitzvah, but my husband's sister's entire family as well. My mil in law told dh he should just change the date of the Bar Mitzvah. My son has learned the the entire parsha, and when dh told her that she said he should just learn another one! shock MIL is trying to guilt dh that my bil will lose money if they change the date of the cruise. She even told him that we should pay the penalty fee. Sigh. We aren't telling my son just yet, and if they don't come we aren't sure what to say. He will be crushed. My in-laws have only 2 grandsons (both of my sons). My son's is the first Bar Mitzvah. I was really upset all last Shabbos, but then I ran through a guest list through my head, and realize how many amazing people will be there, and I calmed down. Then I also realize how ridiculous my in-laws will look if they aren't there at their grandson's Bar Mitzvah buy on some cruise. So, I've calmed down considerably and will just see how it all plays out over the next 6 months. (Honestly, I was waiting to see what their excuse would be not to be able to come...would never have predicted this would be the reason!)


I know you're not the OP, but enough people have responded to her sensibly, so I thought I'd respond to you. Their cruise may have been booked a year in advance, but the Bar Mitzvah was booked 13 years in advance! It is idiotic on their part to have booked a cruise anytime close to the Bar Mitzvah without checking with you first, doubly idiotic to have done so if you had already given then the date and they couldn't be bothered noting it. Keep the Bar Mitzvah when it is, and hopefully they will come to their senses and realise that they will look like total fools if they skip the Bar Mitzvah to go on a cruise. Maybe some grandson guilt tripping will help. They need to understand politely but firmly that a cruise can be rescheduled, his birthday can not.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 27 2017, 6:22 am
That's painful, OP.

As others have pointed out, your sister's decision is hers, and you might not know all of the reasons.

But your decisions are yours.

You already said that you are not going to be able to make it for Thanksgiving. Stick to that. Speak to your parents and get them to back you.

Don't give her the right to manipulate. If she gets upset, stay calm, kind, and firm.

If she sees that you are acting like a grown-up, her better self is more likely to come through.

And I love mamaleh's ideas! If the event is not on Shabbos, you could send your sis a video of it, too.
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amother
Amber


 

Post Thu, Apr 27 2017, 12:45 pm
OP here, thank you everyone for your responses. I feel like my situation is small potatoes to the poster whose family scheduled a cruise.

I'm just going to have to get over it and not hold a grudge. I'll be careful about how I talk to DD about it so she doesn't feel rejected and can understand that my sister just can't come with such a tiny baby.

I especially liked Mamaleh's ideas - thank you! I will have her make a video or something to incorporate her into the Simcha. I think that will make everyone feel good.

Thanks everyone!!
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allthingsblue




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 27 2017, 1:02 pm
toastedbagel wrote:
I know you're not the OP, but enough people have responded to her sensibly, so I thought I'd respond to you. Their cruise may have been booked a year in advance, but the Bar Mitzvah was booked 13 years in advance! It is idiotic on their part to have booked a cruise anytime close to the Bar Mitzvah without checking with you first, doubly idiotic to have done so if you had already given then the date and they couldn't be bothered noting it. Keep the Bar Mitzvah when it is, and hopefully they will come to their senses and realise that they will look like total fools if they skip the Bar Mitzvah to go on a cruise. Maybe some grandson guilt tripping will help. They need to understand politely but firmly that a cruise can be rescheduled, his birthday can not.


This post is so judgemental. The poster already explained that her in laws aren't frum. So they didn't know his bday was then, and they probably didn't have the bar mitzvah at the forefront of their minds when booking the cruise like frum grandparents might.
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Thu, Apr 27 2017, 1:09 pm
allthingsblue wrote:
This post is so judgemental. The poster already explained that her in laws aren't frum. So they didn't know his bday was then, and they probably didn't have the bar mitzvah at the forefront of their minds when booking the cruise like frum grandparents might.

I don't see why non frum grandparents wouldn't have a bar mitzvah at the forefront of their minds like any frum grandparent. The vast majority of non frum people do bar mitzvahs. Heck, my not-even-halachically-Jewish cousins had "bar mitzvahs" because they identify as Jewish like their father. A non frum bar mitzvah looks very different from a frum one, to be sure, but make no mistake, they are considered major events just like the frum ones and are often booked and planned years in advance. The average non frum grandparent would absolutely be aware of a bar mitzvah coming up well over a year before.
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allthingsblue




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 27 2017, 1:13 pm
But not necessarily the Hebrew date.
And they might not be aware that the grandson started practicing leining so many months in advance.
I know many more traditional people who celebrated the bar mitzvah around the 13 bday whenever it was convenient (for example, pushing it up or back a few weeks if there was summer break, or if someone else had a bar/bat mitzvah that week)
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Thu, Apr 27 2017, 1:26 pm
The Hebrew date is never off from the English by more than a few weeks. Even if you're only paying attention to the English date, even if you think it may happen a few weeks later, you know it's likely to happen in a certain time frame. My grandparents know not to make any big plans for the summer of 2018 because that's going to be my brother's bar mitzvah. I don't know if my parents have announced the date yet but it's not rocket science. My brother is turning 12 this summer, therefore, we should be prepared for a simcha next summer.
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amother
Denim


 

Post Thu, Apr 27 2017, 7:43 pm
I'm the poster whose in-laws booked a cruise....
My son's Hebrew and English birthday are only 5 days apart, so no matter which date my in-laws would have based his Bar Mitzvah on, it would be the exact same Shabbos. And it's not like they were the only ones to book on the date, it was my BIL and SIL as well. Not one said, "Hey, it's October, let's double check the Bar Mitzvah date." And if they were going under the assumption that it wasn't necessarily going to be around the actual birthday like somenon-frum people, then really they should have asked about any date next Fall! Regardless, no one gave it one ounce of thought, which is also hurtful. They couldn't care less that my son knows his entire parsha, so keeping them updated with that along the way was unnecessary. But, they've known for ages, when the Bar Mitzvah is. They just didn't care.

Whatever. These are the same grandparents who couldn't come to my daughter's Bas Mitzvah because my FIL decided to play in a poker tournament.

Deep down, I knew they'd have an excuse about the Bar Mitzvah. Dealing with their excuse will be better now, 6 months in advance, rather than a month, weeks, or even days ahead of the simcha. We'll make peace with it, and then have to tell my son. Hopefully, they'll figure something out to attend. And now they can't come up with any more excuses. (I guess they CAN, but how insane will that look if they come up with something else?!?!)
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Ema of 5




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 27 2017, 8:07 pm
OP I know how hard it is to have a sibling who makes things "all about me" without ever saying it straight out.
That being said, I hear where she is coming from. Her baby will be very young, and flying will expose the baby to many more germs than everyday life. I've flown with a one month old, but I didn't have a choice.
In terms of her husband, I'm surprised no one has mentioned that she doesn't want her husband and other child to be exposed to the same germs she doesn't want her baby exposed to.
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