Going to Charity Dinner during Aveilus

amother

Babypink

Thu, Apr 27 2017, 1:11 pm

Let's say my Rabbi says I can go but sibling will say that they are not going cuz their Rabbi said no. They might even make this up to make themself feel like they are mourning more for parent. Would you go to the dinner? It might get back to sibling that you were there.

amother

Puce

Thu, Apr 27 2017, 1:16 pm

amother wrote:

If your rabbi says OK, and you want to go, yes.

We invited siblings in aveilus to DS2's bar mitzvah luncheon (no music). They consulted different rabbis. One was told OK, and came; the other didn't feel comfortable, and didn't. They still get along, and to the best of my knowledge, neither feels superior to the other.

zaq

Thu, Apr 27 2017, 1:56 pm

amother wrote:

I follow my rabbi, not anyone else's. So should you follow yours. And I live my life, not my siblings'. So should you live yours. If I wanted to attend the dinner, and my rav approved, I would go. B"H in my family nobody tries to outfrum anyone else, nor does anyone try to prove that his or her mourning is more sincere than anyone else's, but if it makes your siblings feel more devoted if they don't attend, so be it. That doesn't have to affect your decision.

I don't see why your siblings would make up an issur either way. If anything, inventing an issur makes their mourning seem less sincere, not more, since they're implying that they want to go but won't only because their rav nixed it. Aderabba, if someone wanted to be ostentatious about mourning, the thing to say would be "my rav allows it but emotionally I'm still not up to attending public gatherings."

And if you did attend and it "got back to" your disapproving siblings, (horrible expression, makes it sound as if you're having an affair or something equally disgraceful) what of it? We each mourn in our own way, and the most sincere mourning is done in our hearts, where nobody sees.

amother

Smokey

Thu, Apr 27 2017, 5:26 pm

There's also an issue not to wear shabbosdik or dressy clothes during the week while in aveilus, especially for a parent. So if you would normally dress up for this dinner, you should definitely ask your own rav.

My mom once went to the hall of the charity dinner where her relative was being honored while in aveilus. She did not dress up and did not go into the ballroom, but she did sit in the lobby and we did bring her food. Had it not been her relative, she would not have gone at all.

So...definitely ask! But also, if your siblings all have different rabbonim, that's okay. Everyone should do what is right for him/her.

amother

Sienna

Thu, Apr 27 2017, 10:15 pm

There is an organization that my family is involved with across a few generations. A grandparent who had contributed to the organization was niftar and they honored said grandparent at their next function. The children, who were still in aveilus, came to the function and sat at the table for the speeches but did not eat there according to each of their poskim.

Chayalle

Thu, Apr 27 2017, 10:18 pm

I'm one of 7 sisters, and we each were told different things at various times. We respected that everyone followed their own Rabbi.

The only area where we all agreed we would ask the same Rabbi - and we agreed which Rabbi - was for my youngest sister's wedding. We felt we'd all want to do the same thing - so we asked a very big Posek - and he told us not to take one iota of her joy away that day, and do everything as normally as possible....and we all followed that.