What does my child need?

amother

Sienna

Wed, May 03 2017, 2:44 pm

My 7 yr old son is constantly bothering his younger sister and making her cry. If she is playing with something that he doesn't even like, suddenly he also wants to play with it. No matter what I give him, he wants more. If I give him 2 cookies, he wants 3 etc. Nothing is ever enough. He walks around complaining that he has nothing to do, that he doesn't have enough toys, that he wants to watch more videos. He cries when I don't let him watch a video or if I turn it off sooner than he would like (all the time). He is constantly complaining and never satisfied. He always says that he is bored (unless he is watching a video).

Today I lost it with him because he is also completely defiant and doesn't follow any instructions. I feel terrible but also don't know how to deal with him or what to do so that things can change. When I tell him something I usually feel that I am talking to a wall. He speaks to me with complete disrespect.

What do other 7 year old boys do in their free time? Are there games/ toys that a boy his age must have (that we likely don't)? Have I been too permissive to him that he is now taking advantage of me? Am I not disciplining him enough? What am I doing wrong?

Would greatly appreciate any advice or direction.

crust

Wed, May 03 2017, 9:42 pm

There is a method called the holding technique. It's a simple as it sounds. You hold the child every day for as long as he wants.
At first it may seem endless as if they will never want to let loose. But slowly, With consistency they feel safe enough to run off in less than a minute.
It is very healing for a jealous/defiant/intense child.
Make sure the baby is taken care of, your phone is off so you can fully be with the specific child.
Thankfully your child is young enough. It is really worth to give it a try.
Nothing to loose.
Hatzlucha!

seeker

Thu, May 04 2017, 1:10 am

It sounds to me like what he needs is to learn more positive coping skills. Some (many?) kids just don't naturally develop the ability to cope with disappointment or to focus on the positive rather than complaining side of life. This happens to some kids even if they've had excellent, positive parenting. Fortunately, these skills can be learned, just some kids need more teaching than others.

seeker

Thu, May 04 2017, 1:57 am

My kid used to (still does sometimes) cry when I turned off screentime. I think for some kids it's just triggery, they get such cravings from the screens. The behavior was dramatically reduced when I set a policy that if there is a fuss when I turn it off, then there will be no screen time for two days (this would depend on what your usual is. If the child is usually on screen every day, then it would be more reasonable to say no more for the rest of that day. We use it less frequently so the rest of the day would be meaningless to my kids.) You need to be proactive with this kind of thing because if you do it in the moment they just get more hysterical. Before STARTING the video is when I'd tell them "you can watch until _____. When I tell you it's time to turn it off, you need to turn it off right away. If there is any fighting instead of turning it off, then there will be no iPad at all tomorrow." and then remind them again later "Ipad time is over in one minute. Remember to turn it off right away or no iPad tomorrow." And because they have a habit, don't be too picky about attitude - at the beginning anything less than a fit doesn't need to count.

amother

Pearl

Thu, May 04 2017, 2:50 am

We limit screen time to no more than 20 minutes at a time and the kids must do a vigorous physical activity immediately afterwards. Bike riding, jump rope, jumping jacks, put on music and dance, whatever gets them moving and energized. Their brains and bodies are asleep after screen time and need to be woken up.

amother

Sienna

Thu, May 04 2017, 9:09 am

Thanks for all the responses however I think the issue with my son is more than just about screen time. There is a general disappointment about everything, defiance and boredom...maybe it's time for professional advice.

amother

Fuchsia

Thu, May 04 2017, 11:47 am

It does sound like it is bigger than screen time, but other posters ideas about screen time might demonstrate in one area that you are setting limits and following them. This might be what your child needs in a lot of areas. So why not start with the screen time and then adapt it for other areas.

amother

Seafoam

Thu, May 04 2017, 11:50 am

Would you describe him as a sensitive child?

I'm a big fan of child psychologists and think it's a shame that most people resort to it only when issues have really blown up. Trust me, I understand how costly it can be- but the payoff can be tremendous. Learning how to relate to this particular child and help him build skills is just as important as chumash and math imo.

FranticFrummie

Thu, May 04 2017, 2:21 pm

Does he have any friends in the neighborhood? It sounds like he needs to get out of the house and play ball, ride his bike, and rough house with other boys his age. The other kids will help him learn cooperation and conflict resolution. There will be scuffles and arguments at first, but it will all work itself out if you don't get involved.

If that doesn't work, a social skills group with a therapist might be needed.

amother

Blush

Thu, May 04 2017, 3:03 pm

Sounds a lot like my 5 yr old (minus the screen time).
I cant do the holding thing, he doesn't like it. He barely tolerates hugs.
He is also very explosive and super defiant with the smirk .
I read the book the explosive child, made no difference when we tried it with him.

amother

Floralwhite

Thu, May 04 2017, 4:09 pm

I have a nephew who sounds just like your son
my sister is really struggling (hes 9)
he is never happy/satisfied with anything, from the toy, the food, activity, you name it.
he always has something to complain about.

the only time he isn't unhappy or complaining my sister says is when she lets him be outside, with his friends, playing ball and doing wtvr he wants. (obv with safety precautions)
she says she sees a difference in some areas like boredom and bothering siblings...

on a side note- I found with my kids, the more I talk and explain why I am not giving them 3 cookies instead of 1 (thats just an example), the more they ask and kvetch and complain abt it and it turns into this long, convoluted conversation, where essentially I start bargaining with my kids.
now I just simply ignore. they can talk from today till tomorrow about the unfairness, but they will not get me to comment. and for us it works. (in certain areas)

amother

Sienna

Sun, May 07 2017, 8:58 am

amother wrote:

Thanks! Yes my son needs to be outdoors all the time but unfortunately it's not always practical!

amother

Firebrick

Sun, May 07 2017, 11:36 am

amother wrote:

Not the op, but ds is quite similar and I believe he is a highly sensitive boy. I'm just so worn out from him. Any specific recommendations? Sorry op don't mean to hijack your thread but I his really caught my exhausted attention.