Difficult teenager

tichellady

Sun, May 07 2017, 10:48 pm

It's hard to know what's really going on and to judge the situation that's why I think therapy is a good place to start. I know you are worried about her lying and acting in therapy, but I would at least try it- or start just with you and your husband. This is your relationship with your child- you need to invest more in it. I'm sorry it's so difficult and I'm not casting any blame, just saying that you can't give up right now

amother

Honeydew

Mon, May 08 2017, 2:28 am

Thanks to all the kind ladies who took the time to respond and offer advice. I just want to point something out to amother grey.

It's extremely harsh the way you criticised me and my parenting skills. This is a child whom from the age of 6 has become a very difficult child. Before puberty has even been hit. I've literally neglected my other kids in order to give this unhappy child everything from love time and extra attention where possible. I tried to fight all battles. Till I realised at some point that it shouldn't have to be this way . I cannot b held responsible for her moods, dissappointments unhappiness and chutzpah. I am not saying that sending her away is an option only that the whole family is suffering from this individual. I have seen adults who spend their lives complaining about everything and just generally being victims. I don't want that for her but at the same time I cannot control it. I came on this group to find support. Which bh I got from most. So pls choose ur words carefully before you jump to conclusions.

chani8

Mon, May 08 2017, 3:20 am

Around age 6 she started becoming difficult? Can you pinpoint any significant events around that time? Sounds like your daughter lost respect or trust for you back then. If all your kids were difficult then I'd say it's your parenting, but since you can state an age when she got difficult and she's your hardest child since then, I'd suspect some kind of 'incident' that changed her. Something to think about.

In ten years when she's an adult and can tell you all about her life, what will she say? Will she have a story to tell about age 6? Will she tell you that you weren't there for her at age 14? Because unless you strangle her before then, she will grow up and become a young woman (sooner than you expect) and she'll have 'what to say' about her childhood and how you treated her. My kids are mostly adults now and they all reminisce and tell me 'all about it'.

If there is any way you can stop caring so much and stop being hurt by her and stop worrying that she's turning into that 'someone that she reminds you of', you wont regret it. By 17 they make a big jump in maturity. By 21 you wont believe how interesting is this child you raised. I used to say to myself, "just dont care." It sounds horrible but it works for those of us who care too much. I would think to myself about that one child: I dont care what you wear, I dont care what you do, I dont care what you eat, I dont care about whatever it is that you do that used to cause me pain.

She sounds extroverted, so perhaps for now, you can simply keep her busy outside the home as much as possible. Brainstorm ways to make your life with her easier, besides foster care.

As for not loving her unconditionally, you dont have to love her. You have to behave in a loving and kind manner. You dont even have to do that, but it will make you feel better about yourself and possibly make her feel loved and maybe even make your relationship more stable. Also, try to make her see the love. "I do xyz for you because I love you."

All those things you do for her because she wont do them for herself, tell her about it. "I picked up your dirty clothes off the floor today because I love you." Every.little.thing. And say it in a nice way. It will help both of you.

yksraya

Mon, May 08 2017, 8:14 am

It seems to me your DD is having "oldest child syndrome" that has gone awry. It's clear to me that she feels ashamed that you are taking her to therapists, therefore she is lying. Most of her behavior is that of a strongminded teen that is fighting with you for power. So stop fighting back and ignore the outbursts. It's frusterating, but the only thing that will help her calm down and stop.

Also, every night before you go to sleep, write 3 things about her that you like. Every night add 3 new things to the list. That will make you focus on the good and can really make you like her more.

chayamiriam

Mon, May 08 2017, 8:43 am

Wow chani8 I loved your response. I have an adult daughter who really gave me a hard time as a teen. I wished I saw your response then lol. But somehow she grew up into a wonderful wife and mother. It would have saved me so much heart ach if I hadn't taken her I hate yous so seriously. When I think about it I just should have ignored 99 percent of her words, but still somehow we both got through it and survived. I thought many a night how her dad got the better part of the deal by just walking away!! Now she is the light of my life, a kind wonderful devoted daughter!

amother

Bisque

Mon, May 08 2017, 11:57 am

amother wrote:

I would do fam therapy but as I said she's an amazing actress and isn't at all honest. Which I forgot to mention above, she is constantly lying. It breaks my heart. My DH and I really try to do good and b examples she just ruins everything. She's been this way for most of her life. I always thought she would grow out of it. Unfortunately it is just getting worse.

Can you give some examples of what she is lying about and what she says is unfair? What do you say to her when she says these things?

amother

Tangerine

Mon, May 08 2017, 11:57 am

amother wrote:

My oldest dd was the same. She terrorized everybody at home but was a role model and popular and straight A student outside the house. I didn't know how to deal with her. I practically hated her and thought that she hates me also. Now she is 20 and is a great sweet person. I regret so much for all fighting I did with her and that I took it personally. I wish I could make it up to her but I can't. Now my 13 yo dd starting to act out. I just show her love and try not yo take it personally. I think I should have gone to therapy more also.

I want to add to my previous post.
I saw later on that she wrote in her journal: mommy hates me. I love mommy. It broke my heart. Please try to stand by her for another 3 or 4 years. It is crucial to her development and you can just try to reward yourself and your kids for the suffering that you endure. It is all a nisayon and please take care of this child. She is not fully developed and is crying for help attention and/or love. All our suffering is measured and we don't know why.

amother

Gray

Mon, May 08 2017, 12:54 pm

amother wrote:

I just want to point something out to amother grey.

It's extremely harsh the way you criticised me and my parenting skills. This is a child whom from the age of 6 has become a very difficult child. Before puberty has even been hit. I've literally neglected my other kids in order to give this unhappy child everything from love time and extra attention where possible. I tried to fight all battles. Till I realised at some point that it shouldn't have to be this way . I cannot b held responsible for her moods, dissappointments unhappiness and chutzpah. I am not saying that sending her away is an option only that the whole family is suffering from this individual. I have seen adults who spend their lives complaining about everything and just generally being victims. I don't want that for her but at the same time I cannot control it. I came on this group to find support. Which bh I got from most. So pls choose ur words carefully before you jump to conclusions.

You are right, I was harsh. I apologise. I'll try and say this as gently as possible.

I have read what you have written. You have told of your trouble, pain, etc. Not once have you written with any empathy about your daughter. It is all how she lies, she ruins everything, she is ungrateful. You have given everything and she has given nothing.

When I read a parent writing about their child like that it tells me that they are having trouble parenting this neshama and that they have forgotten that it is their task to do so. To reach out, go to classes etc.

It is not the 14 year olds (and certainly not the 6 year old's job) to be the child you want. it is your job to be the parent they need.

Lots of kids (especially girls) are like this, and then suddenly "grow up" as an older teen. The question is, will she want to have a relationship with you when she does? Given that you don't want one with her when she needs you the most.

Fox

Mon, May 08 2017, 1:08 pm

chani8 wrote:

If there is any way you can stop caring so much and stop being hurt by her and stop worrying that she's turning into that 'someone that she reminds you of', you wont regret it. By 17 they make a big jump in maturity. By 21 you wont believe how interesting is this child you raised. I used to say to myself, "just dont care." It sounds horrible but it works for those of us who care too much. I would think to myself about that one child: I dont care what you wear, I dont care what you do, I dont care what you eat, I dont care about whatever it is that you do that used to cause me pain.

I can't like this advice enough!

It sounds, OP, as if you're seeking a reciprocal relationship with your DD. That's a great goal, but it's just that -- a goal. Kids with strong wills or personalities often zig-zag their way to loving relationships with family members.

I use this metaphor so much I should change my user name and avatar to "Mama Goat," but it once again summarizes your situation: Your DD knows how to get her mother's goat because she knows precisely where it's tied.

You place lots of value on relatively cooperative, obedient children and a calm, cheerful household. Your DD recognizes this and can create a tsunami of drama with the slightest tweak of her behavior and attitude. As Chani8 suggests, let go of that value. Or using my metaphor, move your goat.

Therapy is an absolute necessity, as well. Your concern that your DD is too manipulative for therapy is unfounded. Trained, experienced therapists do not think in terms of "blame" for problems -- they try to help people identify and change patterns of behavior that are damaging.

Parenting is a job before it's a relationship. Focus on doing the job and the relationship will ultimately improve.

Mon, May 08 2017, 7:16 pm

dear mother,
I just want to say that I feel for you! it is sooooo hard!!!
my friend has a 12 year old d who's so difficuld - ever since she bacame a person (maybe at 6, I think a girl's 'personality' might develope just than but I dont know if that makes any sense...) - that it turnes all of her parenting into a burden! kids like this can be totally impossible and you've been trying so hard.
I can only give u a bracha that Hashem will send u a great Yeshua soon!!!
and the happy endings that were mentioned here should happen to you really quickly.
hold on and don't forget to daven!!!