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Forum
-> Interesting Discussions
amother
Saddlebrown
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Tue, May 09 2017, 6:06 am
I read the thread and didn't respond because of how disturbed I was by what the thread turned into.
I started thinking about all the times I've read a post, gotten worked up by what I was reading, and responded from that "triggered" place.
As a person who is both a survivor of s-xual abuse AND a sibling of a child with Asperger's I totally get WHY people responded the way they did.
What I'm wondering for myself is how I can keep myself from shooting from the gut when threads trigger me - 'cause although I wasn't cruel in this thread I HAVE been cruel in others...
What do you think?
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amother
Cobalt
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Tue, May 09 2017, 6:17 am
So glad you started this thread.
1. Remember that whatever you post is not really anonymous
2. Remember that the other person is a REAL person
3. Imagine what you would want to hear in the same situation
4. If you are triggered, or angry, say nothing
5. If necessary, start a new thread, as you have now
6. If you goof, and someone gets upset, don't get defensive- apologize
7. If you have been - let's say 'harsh' in the past, forgive yourself. The op was meant to read what she read. It is not good for a person who is in a bad situation to ONLY hear encouraging words- this may make her make less of the situation than she should
8. Think of bishvili nivrah haolam- the thread is there for you as well. Will you be thoughtful? Kind? Aggressive? Use the thread to improve your own middot
9. If in doubt- delete
That's just my rather opinionated view.
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amother
Apricot
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Tue, May 09 2017, 9:06 am
I was actually thinking that shalom bayis and other forums that are usually for discussing personal issues should have an option for the OP to block a certain poster (even a certain amother) from posting if they feel they are being too unkind.
I know there is a current option just to block for yourself, but that doesn't help if there's continuous dialogue between these and other posters.
I know others wouldn't like this idea (and it's probably too complicated to implement anyway), but I don't think it's fair to deny someone the support they need just because someone else is triggered or is going through a rough patch and feels a need to take it out on others.
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5*Mom
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Tue, May 09 2017, 9:25 am
amother wrote: | I read the thread and didn't respond because of how disturbed I was by what the thread turned into.
I started thinking about all the times I've read a post, gotten worked up by what I was reading, and responded from that "triggered" place.
As a person who is both a survivor of s-xual abuse AND a sibling of a child with Asperger's I totally get WHY people responded the way they did.
What I'm wondering for myself is how I can keep myself from shooting from the gut when threads trigger me - 'cause although I wasn't cruel in this thread I HAVE been cruel in others...
What do you think? |
Great question!
1. Recognize when you have strong emotions in response to a post or thread. If you have something to say, type it up in a Word document and sit on it for a day or at least a few hours before posting it.
2. Ask yourself what your goal is with regard to your post.
3. Ask yourself honestly what style of communication is most likely to achieve your goal and what style of communication might be counterproductive.
4. Review your post with #2 and #3 in mind to see if your post as written is more or less likely to achieve your goal. If likely, post. If not, revise, hold off and review, or let it go.
Out of all these steps, honest awareness of our own primary and secondary emotional responses to the things we read is probably the most important one.
I have been guilty of posting hurtful judgmental or snarky posts and I have adopted this approach for myself.
I also want to add: Reread the offensive or triggering posts once you've calmed down; they may not read the same the second time around and you may discovered that you've missed or misinterpreted something the first time.
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mamamia1
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Tue, May 09 2017, 10:03 am
Thank you for starting this thread.
I feel like the OP and all posters have said beautiful truths respectfully.
5* mom thank you for a great post and guidelines
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youngishbear
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Tue, May 09 2017, 10:13 am
Cobalt and 5mom, a like wasn't enough.
If the lists are too long and complicated for some, remember that people are complicated. No one can change another person, and certainly not by force. The best way to help someone grow through the medium of an online forum is to cheer them on and give them the confidence that they can do it themselves (or with help).
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