Can I share this secret with my children?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Aqua

Tue, May 09 2017, 11:00 am

To update everyone, I asked my sibling, and as I predicted, he/she doesn't care and is leaving the decision up to me.

For now, I think I'm just going to leave it . . .

amother

Pewter

Tue, May 09 2017, 12:19 pm

amother wrote:

To update everyone, I asked my sibling, and as I predicted, he/she doesn't care and is leaving the decision up to me.

For now, I think I'm just going to leave it . . .

Certainly leave it until kids start asking questions again - and then explain how we don't talk about other people, and if they have questions, they should call their uncle/aunt... but then explain the concept of being polite when asking questions about peoples personal lives. I'd expect that out of respect to you and your DH that your sibling would appropriately sanitize the answer.

pause

Tue, May 09 2017, 12:55 pm

If this sibling is keeping up the charade in front of all close family members, including you, can it be possible that you don't "know" about it? I am very against being dishonest with children. Down the line they will find out the truth and lose their trust in you. But in this situation, can you play it as if you truly don't know? As if you're not "in" on the secret? Is it possible?

And I'm just wondering how long this sibling is planning on hiding the truth? If s/he was 17 then and is now 27, I can see how telling it then would be painful, and while telling it now will be painful too it won't be more painful than it'll be at 32 ... or whenever s/he chooses to get married ... or to do something else which will out him/herself.

amother

Aqua

Tue, May 09 2017, 1:15 pm

pause wrote:

I agree with you about my kids being upset down the line when they find out I wasn't being honest with them, that's a big reason I want to tell them. But I don't want to lie "even more" and tell my kids I didn't know about it!

Yeah, the marriage thing, when it happens one day hopefully, will be a problem. Until then I guess we're just hoping for the best. . .

amother

Gold

Tue, May 09 2017, 1:26 pm

My aunt has two siblings that married non jews. The younger kids didn't know until they were into their high teens. But she didn't offer the info. Someone else told them by mistake.

amother

Emerald

Tue, May 09 2017, 2:03 pm

I don't see why you feel so bad about keeping this information. Since when are people's personal choices something to be discussed?
If you keep it a non-issue there's no reason for your children to be upset.

Iymnok

Tue, May 09 2017, 2:16 pm

We have family that used to be frum. We answer our kids questions sensitively. Our siblings remain respected, but we o not condone their actions. In turn they respect us and dress/act accordingly when we meet up.

princessleah

Tue, May 09 2017, 4:42 pm

How about something like, "does uncle/aunt X keep Shabbos? Honestly, probably not, but I don't involve myself with other people's frumkeit, it's between him/her and Hashem. It's not really our business so we don't need to talk about. If you ever have questions about your frumkeit or how we do things in our family, please ask and I'm happy to talk to you about it."

amother

Fuchsia

Tue, May 09 2017, 5:11 pm

I dealt with this exactly situation with my kids with my SIL. Basically I waited to be asked but when I was, I told the truth, and each time we had a long talk afterwards about how we need to be respectful to everyone. And, I don't think there is anything wrong with explaining to an older child that something is not for discussion outside the immediate family. There are many circumstances where that will be the case throughout their lives.

amother

Smokey

Tue, May 09 2017, 7:36 pm

I dont understand how and why this is kept a secret especially from your parents. Doesnt this sibling plan on getting married? Are your parents involved in shiduchim for that sibling? Why mislead anyone? The truth needs to come out because more importantly this sibling will never be getting proper support by not being loved and accepted for who they are.
Talking from experience here,we have a otd sibling which my young children all know about and we explain things very matter of fact. We are all extremely close to this sibling and sibling is getting lots of love and support.

amother

Silver

Wed, May 10 2017, 3:02 pm

I have a slightly different scenario. One of my parents brothers is schizophrenic, as a child, I didn't know - he is highly functional, we didn't see him often and I would never have been able to tell from his behavior. But I did pick up that there was some major secret about him, but no one would discuss it - this is as young as elementary school. I secretly gathered every hint and clue that I could (e.g. bits and pieces of overheard conversations among family members), but couldn't figure it out. When I was a teenager, my best guess that he was schizophrenic, but couldn't ask anyone in the family, since it was obviously a secret. So I carried that secret around myself with no on to talk to or turn to. As an adult, I finally asked my parents if he was schizophrenic and they were shocked that I had figured it out. I also then found out that most of the family knew, but not me. I was so upset. I had spent years carrying around the burden by myself with no one to turn to, and didn't understand why they couldn't just tell me, especially if other people in the family knew.

I know you probably think that your kids are clueless, but they probably aren't. It's better to tell them what's going on, and have it be a secret to some people but have them be able to have open communication with you and each other about it, rahter than havng them keep anything and everyting about it to themselves so whatever their thoughts and feelings are need to be a secret from everyone, including you as their parents..

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