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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Kids Close in Age



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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Sun, May 21 2017, 6:29 am
I have two pre-teens close in age and the younger one like to copy the older one a lot. She won't actually tag along to things that are only for the older one, but if the older one asks 'are you going to xyz?' the younger will often say 'I don't want to go myself but if you're going I'll come along' or 'I'll go if you go' etc. A recent example, on Shabbos afternoon the older one asked 'are you going to sleep in the afternoon?' and the younger one said 'If you're going to sleep then I'll go'.

I understand where the younger one is coming from, she enjoys spending time with her older sister, and also doesn't like going places herself, but this really annoys the older one.
What would you do?
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crust




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 21 2017, 6:42 am
Empower the younger one to develop her own choices and way of thinking.
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Sun, May 21 2017, 7:01 am
crust wrote:
Empower the younger one to develop her own choices and way of thinking.


The younger one does think independently and likes different things, she's just a little insecure. She feels like she's missing out when she doesn't do things together. For example, if the older one goes to a relative she'd rather go along then stay home and have nothing to do. And on Shabbos afternoon she'd rather be awake if the older one is awake. I do understand where she's coming from. I realise that she has her insecurities but I don't think this behavior is so unusual.

(Note: As the oldest in my family, with no sister close in age, I've never dealt with anything similar in my own life.)
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MiracleMama




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 21 2017, 7:04 am
amother wrote:
The younger one does think independently and likes different things, she's just a little insecure. She feels like she's missing out when she doesn't do things together. For example, if the older one goes to a relative she'd rather go along then stay home and have nothing to do. And on Shabbos afternoon she'd rather be awake if the older one is awake. I do understand where she's coming from. I realise that she has her insecurities but I don't think this behavior is so unusual.

(Note: As the oldest in my family, with no sister close in age, I've never dealt with anything similar in my own life.)


If you don't think this behavior is so unusual (and I would agree) why do you think there is something you should be doing about it?
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Sun, May 21 2017, 7:09 am
MiracleMama wrote:
If you don't think this behavior is so unusual (and I would agree) why do you think there is something you should be doing about it?


Because the older one gets very angry and picks a fight about it.

I don't think it's such a big problem for the younger one to want to go along, but I do think it's a problem for the older one to insist she's not going to grandma if sister comes along or to start getting out of hand because her younger sister said she'll only go to sleep if she does...
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crust




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 21 2017, 7:22 am
Why do you think the older ones behaviour is unusual?
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Sun, May 21 2017, 7:24 am
crust wrote:
Why do you think the older ones behaviour is unusual?


I don't think it's unusual either, but I do feel the need to do something about it as it's causing lots of negativity in our home. And unusual, or not, Wink that's a problem.
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crust




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 21 2017, 7:45 am
amother wrote:
I don't think it's unusual either, but I do feel the need to do something about it as it's causing lots of negativity in our home. And unusual, or not, Wink that's a problem.

I understand. Just wanted to make sure I got you right.
I would talk to each of them separately. Both need to be understood and validated first.
Then I would proceed to see if there's room for negotiation. Can the older one do one thing together with the younger one? How many times a week? Month? Year? If at all.
Maybe the older one feels that her identity is being stifled by her younger sister? Maybe she takes it as a responsibility and it's too much?
Either way, as the adult In the picture you have to address this open mindedly without trying to control the outcome. The last thing you want is the older one to have resentment on the younger one or the younger one to feel like the older one is doing her a huge favor by including her in her life.
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Sun, May 21 2017, 7:55 am
crust wrote:
I understand. Just wanted to make sure I got you right.
I would talk to each of them separately. Both need to be understood and validated first.
Then I would proceed to see if there's room for negotiation. Can the older one do one thing together with the younger one? How many times a week? Month? Year? If at all.
Maybe the older one feels that her identity is being stifled by her younger sister? Maybe she takes it as a responsibility and it's too much?
Either way, as the adult In the picture you have to address this open mindedly without trying to control the outcome. The last thing you want is the older one to have resentment on the younger one or the younger one to feel like the older one is doing her a huge favor by including her in her life.


Exactly. Sometimes I insist on the older one being flexible, and at other times I encourage the younger one to let go, but I don't want to stifle anyone, nor do I want to step in when they can learn to deal with the challenge on their own.

It's a balancing act of sorts and I'd love to hear from anyone that's BTDT.
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Sun, May 21 2017, 8:13 am
I was the older one growing up. And I would get really really angry with my younger sister. The problem was that there weren't so many kids our age to play with near where we lived so to not have her tag along with me to friends meant her being home all alone.

Firstly I want to reassure you that today we are closest friends. We have managed to move on to an amazing relationship though then we were ready to kill each other.

Secondly, the dynamic with us was that my younger sister was the more outgoing "cute" one. I was very shy, though I loved having friends. Inevitably she was more involved and popular in whatever we were playing, or when we were older, in our conversations. This made me really jealous. Just understanding where they may be coming from can help. Giving me respect, privileges etc as the older sibling would have gone a long way in my case.
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crust




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 21 2017, 8:21 am
amother wrote:
I'd love to hear from anyone that's BTDT.


I haven't only been there I AM there!!
I encourage my girls to make thier own social circle. I believe that it's great for thier self esteem. I think that having good friends will not only be worthwhile in thier teenage years but for their future also.

When it comes to family simchas I encourage younger one she should try to pretend that older one isnt there. Have confidence to find company without relying on sister.
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Sun, May 21 2017, 8:39 am
Thanks for weighing in Seafoam amother.

Crust, it's good to hear from someone who's BTDT. Let me explain a little more. These two kids have different personalities, different friends/social circles, so no tagging along in that respect. They think independently, like different things, have different hobbies etc.

It's more with family, and at home when running errands etc. My younger DD doesn't have any relatives her age. There is one relative the age of the older one, and another couple whom are a year or two older than both hence they all hang out with each other.

The thing is that they don't have any friends nearby either which makes it more complicated.

I believe older DD needs to be more understanding but I don't want to push it or make her feel resentful.
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crust




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 21 2017, 8:49 am
amother wrote:
Thanks for weighing in Seafoam amother.

Crust, it's good to hear from someone who's BTDT. Let me explain a little more. These two kids have different personalities, different friends/social circles, so no tagging along in that respect. They think independently, like different things, have different hobbies etc.

It's more with family, and at home when running errands etc. My younger DD doesn't have any relatives her age. There is one relative the age of the older one, and another couple whom are a year or two older than both hence they all hang out with each other.

The thing is that they don't have any friends nearby either which makes it more complicated.

I believe older DD needs to be more understanding but I don't want to push it or make her feel resentful.


I can totally relate. I brought up the family simchas because that's a major struggle; older one has/makes friends and younger one has no cousins her age.
I still believe they will end off being better sisters if I don't put pressure on older one.
I put it this way; what would I do if one of them was a boy?
If they like to hang out with each other ma tov ima noim... but I don't let myself get involved in a fight. Rather than pushing the older one to be with the younger one, I offer my own company if necassary.
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Sun, May 21 2017, 9:04 am
crust wrote:
I can totally relate. I brought up the family simchas because that's a major struggle; older one has/makes friends and younger one has no cousins her age.
I still believe they will end off being better sisters if I don't put pressure on older one.
I put it this way; what would I do if one of them was a boy?
If they like to hang out with each other ma tov ima noim... but I don't let myself get involved in a fight. Rather than pushing the older one to be with the younger one, I offer my own company if necassary.


Thanks for your response. My children don't actually have a problem at family events b'h and take it for granted that they'll be together. It does sometimes come up though when older DD wants to go to their aunt who is a couple of years older than her and younger DD feels like she's missing out if she doesn't go along as there are no other young aunts and she feels just as close to her as older DD
.
Writing about this (and hearing responses) has been helpful and is helping me realize there might be a different pattern at play here. I need to think about this some more.
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