DS is really tough on his younger siblings (and me)

amother

Ginger

Wed, May 17 2017, 11:23 am

My teenage DS is constantly either telling off his younger siblings (one in particular) for various infractions, and/or telling me what a lousy job I am doing for not making sure this younger sibling is better behaved.

I know it might seem that way, but it's coming from a good place, he is worried about his younger sibling (who does not do great socially) and wants him to have more friends etc. I've explained to him that I appreciate and share his goals but the way he's going about it is not helpful to the younger sibling (and it's disrespectful to me as parent to be parenting in front of me).

The main question I have is how do I explain to him what's age appropriate and what's not? How do I explain the concept of picking your battles and not constantly giving negative feedback to someone all day? I've tried the above and I think he just doesn't believe me. I think he still truly believes that if he tells his younger sibling "don't be weird and annoying" (without explaining at all what about the behavior is weird and/or annoying) or "stop crying, people don't want to be friends with someone who's sensitive, you shouldn't care that person a did b to you. . ." enough times, it will suddenly sink in and younger sibling will have tons of friends and be grateful to him forever. . .

I can get him to stop (somewhat) by being tougher on him for doing it but I really also want him to understand WHY what he is doing is wrong/inappropriate/not helpful so that he is not resentful and convinced that I am a terrible parent setting up the younger child for failure (which is where he stands on the issue right now).

If there are any books you recommend (for the teen read), that might be a good option.

I should mention that he was somewhat like this as a young child (not great picking up social cues, sensitive, hard time making friends) and I guess is still like this to some extent (which probably explains why he's having a hard time now realizing that killing his relationship with his younger sibling by yelling at him all day will not ultimately be helpful to either of them). I know he feels like he's saving his younger sibling from a lot of pain that he himself went through (because if he points out that the child is "annoying" then he will stop being annoying) so this is an especially. . . emotional issue for him I guess.

Okay, fire away. . .

mummiedearest

Wed, May 17 2017, 11:28 am

tell him that his behavior, as much as it comes from good intentions, is just as inappropriate as the younger kid's behavior. you know he cares about appropriate behavior, so he needs to take a look at his own. you love him dearly, just as you love your younger child, and you will parent both of them as you see fit and with love. he can discuss his concerns with you, out of earshot of that child. he should not scold the other child, nor should he reprimand his mother. any concerns need to be addressed to you in a respectful way.

Chayalle

Wed, May 17 2017, 11:35 am

Welcome to teenagehood - the stage of life that includes young people who know so much better than their more-experienced parents....

Tell your son that you have people you consult (I hope you do) for Chinuch-related questions and such, and you get the advice and guidance you need from those who are experienced in the field. There is a broad picture here, and children learn at their own pace, not necessarily at the pace we'd like to set for them. Let him know that you appreciate his perspective and are available to discuss any concerns he may have, so long as the conversation maintains a respectful tone.

amother

Ginger

Wed, May 17 2017, 11:36 am

mummiedearest wrote:

That addresses how to stop his behavior. My primary concern at this point is explaining to him how/why what he is doing is not helpful. I have tried already (to explain all that) and I don't think it really sank in, hence my posting here. . .

MyUsername

Sun, May 21 2017, 1:53 pm

Tell him that you are the parent, and the job of parents is to parent the children, and teenagers are not supposed to parent children. Tell him that you see that he has some concerns and some of them are valid, and so instead of parenting his siblings, he should come to you with his concerns privately (set up a weekly meeting if you feel that would make it more real to him), and you will be happy to hear them and take them into account in your parenting. Give him examples of how him parenting is not his job, such as in school if a student took over teaching another student in the middle of a classroom lecture even though the teacher is there, or at work if one employee tells another employee what to do or how to do it when he's not the other one's boss. In both situations, even if the first person is right, there is a time and a place for everything, and a breakdown of responsibilities which needs to be kept to make sure things run smoothly.