Should I allow him to go?

amother

Puce

Tue, May 23 2017, 5:16 pm

ds is 8. he has adhd and language pragmatics issues. socially he doesnt get things very quickly. hes a very giving kid. but I have a neighbor he wants to play with. they sometimes dont get a long with each other. not sure why. I dont get involved. I dont want them fighting. for some reason it doesnt always work out. would you allow your dc to go when you know he has these issues. and can get into fights. he has improved recently. I dont know what to do. this child is more or less ok. he has a temper sometimes though.

FranticFrummie

Wed, May 24 2017, 3:35 am

When you say "fights", do you mean verbally or physically? I know boys can play rough, but does he ever get aggressive, or does he just argue if he doesn't get his way?

How do the other boy's parents feel about your son?

My DD was a difficult child (HA! She still is.) She had a BFF who she fought with a lot at that age. I did social stories with her a lot, and had many talks with BFF's parents about DD's social issues. They tried to be understanding, but there were a few times when I had to smooth things over.

It was a lot of work, but I felt like it was worth it to teach DD how to be a better friend. DD and BFF were both 'only children', so they were both a bit controlling and bossy. BFF benefitted a lot from learning how to deal with DD, too.

Now, I'm talking about girls squabbling. With boys, it can be different. If there is physical fighting going on, I would absolutely insist on being present at all times, and ready to step in and stop it the second I saw anything start to ramp up.

imasinger

Wed, May 24 2017, 6:21 am

amother wrote:

I dont get involved. I dont want them fighting. for some reason it doesnt always work out. would you allow your dc to go when you know he has these issues. and can get into fights. he has improved recently. I dont know what to do. this child is more or less ok. he has a temper sometimes though.

I agree with everyone else.

As another mother of several kids with ADHD, I beg you to get involved.

ADHD often involves impulsivity and social skills issues.

If he is misinterpreting details in social settings, he may often see an insult where there was none, or miss an opportunity to work out a problem. In that case, it is important to have a parent watch what is happening, and help him learn to deescalate tensions or prevent fights.

What neurotypical kids pick up more or less intuitively often has to be broken into steps and spelled out for kids with issues. While it's great that your DS has been improving, if he's still getting into fights with this kid, he likely still needs help.

What kind of help is he getting for his issues? If it's just medication, then it could be wearing off after school, and there is often a time of day when these kids suffer a rebound effect, and have less self control than even on an unmedicated day. It's not a great time to play with someone who also has a temper.

amother

Royalblue

Wed, May 24 2017, 5:38 pm

Aside from possibly getting involved during play time, I have another recommendation.

You should be watching them play, and whether you interfere or not, after the playdate is done, sit with DS and go over problem encounters and ask him to help you brainstorm about what the problem might have been, and what would be a better way to react next time.

amother

Puce

Wed, May 24 2017, 5:48 pm

thanks imasinger and royal blue. its so heartwarming that people help each other so anonymously. yes ds has adhd. yes he doesnt do well in social situations. he argues and tries to be the boss. he thinks he has the best ideas. and not willing to give in at times. as this other kid also gets that way at times. but they have good days and bad ones.

I will ask this boyu to come to me. good idea. I thought of that. though it cant always be in my house as this kid will want him to come to him at times too.

ds is very argumentative. so when hes that way I dont allow him to go anywhere. he knows that.

amother

Puce

Wed, May 24 2017, 5:51 pm

amother wrote:

this doesnt work with him well. he is not the kind of child you can do that with. infrequently I can do that with him. usually not. hes mostly the type where he learns from consequences. like if hes argumentative and doesnt play nice. I wont let him go the next day and that helps him. its not about lets sit and discuss hes not good with that.
one thing that does work is "think about how your behavior made you get where you are now" how has that worked for you? that makes him think. he needs that independance.

amother

Puce

Wed, May 24 2017, 5:53 pm

his way of getting his way is to argue with the other person. he doesnt know when to stop arguing. he doesnt realize that this you need to give in to continue playing even though you wont always get your way. he is a real saw loser. he cant handle losing a game.