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Forum -> Parenting our children
S/o what does it mean 'not managing'?



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amother
Pewter


 

Post Thu, May 25 2017, 3:13 am
This is a s/o from the other post about how many kids is too many and why do ppl go on to have more when they're not managing... I'm just wondering what it means to 'not manage'. I was one of the posters who said I have a large family, generally happy etc ... but I was wondering if from the outside ppl think I am not managing . ie we don't have any money, are on tuition scholarship and food stamps, I'm counting my pennies, cant afford overnight camp or any other luxuries, major credit card debt, house is untidy and flying most of the time, I have kids with serious medical issues, two are in therapy, dh and I have therapy together, I run around to doctors and therapists all the time... buy my kids clothes at thrift stores or they wear hand me downs.. live far from close family and often feel lonely.
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amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Thu, May 25 2017, 3:22 am
I can't speak for those who were writing in that thread though from my perspective you have your life in your hands. Running around to therapy and doctors means that you are taking control of your situation. Whereas I have two kids and we just don't get around to therapy even if we (dh and I) really could do with it. Pushing the issues under the rug, especially when life is very hectic, is much easier unfortunately.
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crust




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 25 2017, 3:32 am
I'm so sorry for you. You have so much in your plate. Who cares what people think? It doesn't matter.
Do you have physical help? I don't want you to burn out.

Not having money or having major credit card debt doesn't mean you're not managing with the kids. It means you're not managing financially. Although for myself it would definitely add stress which zap my strength leaving me depleted to cope with the many other obligations you point out in your post.

Thrift stores anf hand me downs are only an issue if the items are from mesishelech and your kids look it. You don't want your kids to be made fun of. We have to make sure they are dressed according to thier peers.
If they are decent clothing, you fresh then up, you fix them accordingly, and your kids look normal in them, then Whats the problem?
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amother
Pewter


 

Post Thu, May 25 2017, 3:45 am
Cant afford cleaning help. I used to take it anyhow, but when its cleaning help or food, you just buy food and figure out a cleaning system that's not going to exhaust you. like, in my case I have designated days to things so its not overwhelming - floors one day, bathrooms another day, laundry 2 x a week etc.
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crust




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 25 2017, 3:52 am
I was referring about physical help with the children who have major medical issues and need so much Dr visits.
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amother
Taupe


 

Post Thu, May 25 2017, 4:23 am
As the op of the original thread, I think not managing is largely about how you feel. Do YOU think you are managing? Do you feel your kids are well cared for and won't resent their upbringing? And if not, back to my original post, my question was why someone in that situation - where she feels she is not managing (not saying that's you) - would feel like there is no choice but to just keep having more til past her breaking point.

But like another poster wrote, you are doing what needs to be done, taking everyone to appts etc. And that's more than others so kudos to you! You are caring for the ones you already have. And keep doing that!

Whenever I see a mom who's in over her head and can barely do the basic work w her kid, I always look at the amazing work she is doing just bringing her kids to therapy week in and week out even in the midst of a chaotic life. And I already see a great mother.
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amother
Pewter


 

Post Thu, May 25 2017, 6:49 am
Thank you . that's a really nice thing to say (opp of other thread!)

re physical help re appointments, no, I'm generally on my own. dh works long hours, I am far from close family. I know many ppl who make a big issue about bringing more than 1 kid to other kids appointments, but I just do it, doesnst really bother me so much.
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Thu, May 25 2017, 6:50 am
being a penny pincher, and having your kids in therapy are considered managing! you sound in control of your struggles, and have a plan, and are taking care of things!

while I would say, who cares what ppl think ? and who cares if ppl think you are managing, I hear what you are asking..

I have a neighbor who recently had her 4th and her oldest is 5, and frankly I dont even have to talk to her to see she is totally not managing
-her kids do not look like they are wearing clean clothing
-they were walking around yesterday with snack bags for supper
-the mother is out of it and completely glazed over
-her tiny shoe box of an apt is a flying mess and really dirty
-her dh does not seem to be around at all
now granted she has a newborn, so life is very hectic, but this was how she was before the baby came also.
just out of it, not on top of what her kids were doing, not dealing with her kids when they really needed her, no structure, no routine, she never went anywhere with her kids, she would just let them play outside and roam around...

and as a neighbor and semi friend, its hard to watch.
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amother
Azure


 

Post Thu, May 25 2017, 8:05 am
amother wrote:
As the op of the original thread, I think not managing is largely about how you feel. Do YOU think you are managing? Do you feel your kids are well cared for and won't resent their upbringing? And if not, back to my original post, my question was why someone in that situation - where she feels she is not managing (not saying that's you) - would feel like there is no choice but to just keep having more til past her breaking point.

But like another poster wrote, you are doing what needs to be done, taking everyone to appts etc. And that's more than others so kudos to you! You are caring for the ones you already have. And keep doing that!

Whenever I see a mom who's in over her head and can barely do the basic work w her kid, I always look at the amazing work she is doing just bringing her kids to therapy week in and week out even in the midst of a chaotic life. And I already see a great mother.


I think you are mixing 2 things with the bolded questions. I posted on the other thread (single mom of 2) that I don't FEEL like I am managing, but my I also feel like my kids are well-cared for and won't resent their upbringing. You still haven't really explained what "managing" means. If you knew me you would say I am definitely managing. My kids are happy and well-adjusted. They have clothing and food and everything they need. My apartment is (mostly) neat. Do you call that "managing" even if I sleep little and feel exhausted and stressed all the time trying to juggle my kids, my job, and my household responsibilites?
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