Maybe there is someone who can enlighten me!

amother

Beige

Thu, May 25 2017, 2:49 pm

We are having concern with our 5 yr old son. At home he is great. Behaves, plays, regular smart kid. Last yr in nursery he was in the same school as this year and everything was good. He went happy and came happy. At the end of the year when teacher came back from having a baby she mentioned he had a time sitting in circle time.
Over the summer he went to a backyard day camp, was fine there. Would tell me he wants to stay home after a few weeks there. he didn't cry going but didn't love it. ( he is very sensitive to heat so maybe he didn't like being outdoors.)
He plays on the block with neighbors. Sometimes will get moody about who he will play with and who not.
The drama started this year in school. In the beginning of the year all was quiet. November time teacher calls me to get him evaluated for OT because he has fine motor issues. I knew he wouldn't be approved for that alone, but I saw sensory concerns too, so after mulling it over, we started the process in December, trying to get him services.
During this time in January he started crying hysterically every morning that he doesn't want to go to school. I thought it was very very odd. After a couple of days with me literally leaving him screaming , I called the school to inquire and they said he is happy there. When this continued my husband spoke to the teacher who finally admitted that 95% of the day he is making trouble and "needs to be redirected." He was very much not happy and not doing well at all but they didn't tell us. Seems till November he was plying nicely but after that started bothering the boys.
When we heard this we tried to get him additional services, and in February he started getting OT and seit.
Nothing improved the situation in the classroom so we spoke to the school many times to switch his class which they finally did right before Pesach.
In this class he is much calmer, doesn't make much trouble because the other children are calmer. However, he doesn't want to interact with the boys. Will always prefer to play by himself. When I picked him up I saw for myself that the whole class is sitting around the table and he was on the side by himself playing with a paintbrush by the sink.
Again at home he plays with his siblings and acts so normal. What could it be that makes him act developmentally off inn school? Any insight is most appreciated!!

amother

Papaya

Thu, May 25 2017, 5:11 pm

I had a really hard time in school too from ages 5-7.

Turned out I had undiagnosed ADHD. But that wasn't all of it. I was also getting teased, which I don't think my parents knew, because I didn't talk about it for some reason. I also had some sensory problems.

Anyway, my parents took my to a child psychologist, who got to the bottom of some of my issues and helped me learn some coping mechanisms. I highly recommend it.

amother

Slateblue

Thu, May 25 2017, 5:16 pm

The classroom is a very particular environment that is not really duplicated in other settings. It requires a different skill set, which he may or may not have. If he is getting services at school, I would be curious to know what insights the therapists there have. Also, you should be getting more specific feedback from the school. Can you call a meeting with the teachers and early childhood director? This is definitely something worth exploring further.

amother

Royalblue

Thu, May 25 2017, 7:39 pm

Most importantly I would ask your son about his perspective. I think he will give you very valuable insight.

What definitely is a red flag for me though that the school did not inform you and kept punishing your son. Definitely not okay! Especially because at least according to your writing he does seem to be well behaved boy.

Sometimes the reason for a child to misbehave could be simple, like because the school is excellent but it is not the right fit for the type of personality your child is, to more serious reasons like being bullied or chasve shalom worse.
I would definitely try to get to the bottom of it what happened. Hug your son support him. Be there for him and dont rest until he finds himself in safe and supportive environment!

amother

Beige

Fri, May 26 2017, 10:16 am

Thank you for all the replies. I would like to take him to a child psychologist if anyone has a recommendation in NY.
To the one who said it is odd about the school not telling us, yes it is very odd. I can't really trust what they tell me because they were dishonest all year.
He is doing much better in his new class, I just spoke to the teacher yesterday.
He still has some off days, where he will just not be in the mood and will bother the kids. other days are great, and he participates and is motivated..

FranticFrummie

Fri, May 26 2017, 11:35 am

OP, your son might just be a natural introvert, and only feels comfortable playing with people he knows well. He may take a long time to warm up to new kids. There is nothing wrong with that!

I played by myself, or with one friend, all through school. I'm also sensory and have ADD.

I suggest an evaluation for ADD, and talk to him about what he loves in school, and what he doesn't like about school. Really listen closely, and he will let you know. Sometimes it's easier if you have him draw you pictures.

My DD had problems in school with bullies, and girls who tried to get her in trouble with the teachers. Every year I'd spend a few days randomly showing up and sitting in the back of the class all day. I bring a coffee and a book to read, stay way out of everyone's way, and just keep one ear open at all times. After a while, the kids tend to forget I'm there.

This lets DD know that I care, and lets the teachers know that I'm actively involved. It also lets the other kids know that I now know what they look like and what their names are, so if Sarale gives DD a hard time, I know exactly which kid that is.

Chaperoning field trips is priceless. You get to see your child and his/her classmates in their natural state, running around, being goofy, and doing their own thing. I managed to befriend some of the bullies, away from DD. The girls now treat me with respect, because I treated them with respect. By extention, they started respecting DD more.

Good for you for being on top of this! You don't want a child who is going to start being more and more school avoidant because something didn't get addressed early on. IMHO, just hoping that the child will outgrow it is not the best course of action here. You have to put the school on notice that you are watching them.

Oh, one more thing, and this is important. When approaching the school, don't be antagonistic, no matter how mad or frustrated you are. Say something like "Dovi doesn't seem to be happy, and I hear he's been giving Morah X a hard time. How can I help you and support you as a parent? We need to be a team, and I'd like to work together with you to figure out what's going on."

As long as you approach it as "How can I make your job easier?", they will be more open and helpful to you. Play to their self interest!

amother

Seafoam

Fri, May 26 2017, 11:48 am

OP- your post didn't necessarily scream this, but I'm just suggesting bc this came up recently with someone I know.

Their daughter sat by themselves all the time at school, difficulty adjusting in pre-k- the mom knew that her daughter was on the spectrum but everyone kept invalidating because daughter was so high functioning.

Finally the mother took her to get tested and it turns out her daughter does have autism and it was amazing mom was so insistent because now she's getting very early intervention. I know the family well and the daughter seems totally involved when it's just very close family friends and members.

If not for knowing about the diagnosis, I never would have known, especially because of how she behaves when I'm there. (Sure- she's behavioral sometimes, but I could have chalked this up to a child misbehaving.)

Does your ds have difficulty reading facial expressions or show any other signs he could be on the spectrum in addition to the isolating self and sensory? Again, your post didn't necessarily scream this, but if you think this could be a possibility, maybe get him screened. If he is on the spectrum, the earlier he gets intervention, the better.

ETA- just re-read your op and that last paragraph is pretty much exactly how her daughter behaves. During circle time she likes to go off by herself. Prefers to sit and play alone than with other children.

amother

Cerulean

Fri, May 26 2017, 11:49 am

amother wrote:

OP above, that is so my type to do! But in this class I think it is better. Although maybe I would. Is it illegal? Do you know of a good one?

Pretty certain it's perfectly legal. My concern is that he's insisting he doesn't want to go to school, which is different than a child simply coming home not enthusiastically loving school. I think at age five, a kid should be happy to go to school.

My dd 6 recently told me that an older girl on the bus slaps her on the face and pinches her, and makes sure to do it when no one else sees. Along with threats that "tomorrow I'll hurt you even more". B"H she finally told me about it, and the school promptly dealt with it and I have my happy little girl who loves school back. But she did not tell me right away. Sad

So OP my tortured point is, it COULD be that there's really nothing to be concerned about with your son, and he's unhappy because school is simply too restrictive for him. But, your his mom and you have a mother's instinct, and if your instinct is to be concerned, and you're not finding anything out otherwise, then maybe consider this.